AITA for saying my best friend settled for her husband because she was desperate?

Two longtime friends, Mia and the storyteller, clash over their differing life choices. Mia settled down with kids, while the storyteller plans to solo travel. During dinner, Mia criticizes her friend’s decision as irresponsible.

In response, the friend brings up Mia’s rushed marriage history, implying she married out of desperation, referencing Mia’s hurtful past with an ex who used her for a green card. The fight leaves both feeling hurt. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for saying my best friend settled for her husband because she was desperate?’

My bff Mia and I, both 32F, have known each other since we were 12 but only became close at university. We’re different in many ways, like our views on marriage/kids. I never want to get married or have kids.

Mia has had her wedding planned since she was 10 and always told everyone that she’ll be married by 27, travel for a year before having her first kid by the time she turned 30. Mia always tells me I’ll change my mind one day, she brings it up often and it’s annoying.

Backstory: In 2015 Mia reconnected with an old classmate on FB, Pete, from our home country and they started dating long distance. Four months later she visited Pete and told everyone they were engaged.

I asked her if she was sure and she said they were in love and can’t wait to be married so she can sponsor him and be together in the same country. I’m ashamed to say my first thought after she told me was that he was using her to get a green card.

Their wedding was planned for summer 2016 but in early 2016 it was revealed Pete had been cheating with his ex and she had DM’d Mia pics/screenshots of their texts because she found out about the wedding and felt guilty.

Mia confronted him and they argued for hours with him admitting he was using her for a green card and would’ve divorced her later. In 2018, Mia again reconnected with another classmate, Jay. So Mia, Jay & Pete all went to primary school together and Jay & Pete are friends and Jay knows about what happened.

Mia and Jay got married in our home country in late 2019 and I was her MOH. The immigration process got delayed because of Covid but Mia and Jay were finally reunited in 2021. Months later she announced she was pregnant and gave birth to a boy in Feb 2022.

Everything was moving super fast but Mia was happy to be a mom at 30. I recently started a new remote job that gives me a lot of freedom so I decided I would solo travel. I have a close group of friends and we do a weekly girl’s night.

Mia gave birth again in October and haven’t been able to join us so last week she invited us to her house for dinner. During dinner a friend asked me about my travel plans (at this point only this friend knew). When the others found out they were happy for me. Mia was quiet and seemed annoyed.

One friend said she was envious of me and wishes she could do the same. Mia scoffed and said anyone could do it if they were irresponsible. It got quiet and I just stared at Mia. I asked her what she meant; I said I’m spending my own money and I’ll still be working so how am I irresponsible?

She said I haven’t grown up yet and only wanted to have fun when I should be settling down. I told her I don’t want to settle down and just because I’m not married with kids doesn’t mean I’m not a grown up.

She said my life is meaningless so I said “At least I’m not desperate enough to fly to a different country and marry the first guy I saw.” I think I’m the AH for basically throwing the whole Pete thing in her face knowing how hurt she was. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Zamastyle −  ESH. Mia brought it on herself with jealousy induced comments but you dug in deep to hurt her back. Are you sure you two are friends?

Edit: your title is a bit misleading. You didnt say she settled. You said she was desperate and you dismissed any possibility of real feelings in her relationship. That comment was equally hurtful to jer partner if he was present.

throwaway-rayray −  NTA – it’s amazing people are talking about how she’s belittled Mia and was needlessly cruel when Mia literally told OP her entire life is meaningless because she doesn’t have a man and children. For the sin of talking about upcoming travel.

If that’s not needlessly cruel and bitchy I don’t know what is? It’s clear though based on this you aren’t BFF’s and it would be weird to continue this friendship.

Hello_Spaceboy −  ESH how are you guys in your 30s and still acting like catty teenagers? Stop hanging around with people who say underhanded stuff to you and stop responding by verbally one-upping the insult. Smdh.

SoThisIs4everHuh −  I’d say NTA. You reap what you sow. Don’t throw rocks and hide your hands. Don’t dish what you can’t take. Mia is in a paradoxical place of looking down on you for not having the same goals and desires for motherhood while also envying your childless freedom.

If you feel bad for what you said, then your next steps are really in your hands. I don’t know what your cultural background is so it’s difficult to really have full context. But I mean? You get what you give…

[Reddit User] −  Nta. She threw stones while living in a glass house. She could have just kept her mouth shut or said she was happy for you, instead she acted like a bratty teenager and went out of her way to insult you. Literally I’m convinced that women are the worst friends. They cut the deepest.

There’s always one rattle snake in the bunch, and no matter how good of friends you are or what you’re dealing with, they will do anything to take a bite out of you while your on the rise, empowered and feeling good about something.

raquelle_pedia −  NTA. Mia started it and you just threw an insult back at her. It’s not a crime to not want to settle down. She had no right to judge your choices and call your plans meaningless just because she can’t find any worth in them.

Your life is just about as suited for her as hers is for you. She judged your choices and you just reminded her of one of hers.

ERVetSurgeon −  I never wanted kids and I am single after one marriage. Because of my choice to be single and no kids, I retired at 56, with no debt, a paid off horse farm, and five vehicles (all paid for). Mia is jealous and you are right, she settled. Drop her and go enjoy your child free life. You won’t regret it.

slendermanismydad −  Just drop this woman. You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you. Her comment was straight up stupid. Calling you irresponsible for not creating burdens for yourself. 

Specialist-Cut313 −  NTA. Love the end . She deserves it .

BelphegorAcedia −  NTA. What you said is REAAAALY harsh but it’s something that could understandably be said in a heat of a moment. Especially after what Mia said to you. She was being an huge AH.

If you wish to still be friends with her, you could apologize, because as I said, it was a cruel thing to say, but she provoked you, so you can’t take all the blame.

Was it fair to bring up Mia’s past in the heat of the argument, or did both friends cross a line? Share your thoughts below!