AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?

A Reddit user shares their disappointment after their boyfriend’s well-intentioned birthday surprise—a reunion with estranged parents—went wrong.

The user walked out of the dinner due to the emotional distress caused by the unexpected meeting and now finds themselves at odds with their boyfriend, who feels his efforts were unappreciated. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?’

The article has the next update at the end.

My boyfriend (26M) and I (23M) have been dating for a little over eight months, and on early November it was my birthday. I was excited, as it was the first time we were going to be spending either of our birthdays together, and he had spent all of October teasing a ‘surprise’ he was planning.

Now, for context, I should mention I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. He knows this, and we have spoken in detail about why that is the case. My parents are out of my life, and have been for the past two years, he knows all this.

Because of my relationship with my parents, for the last couple of years, I spent my birthday with my best friend, who I consider family. So, when my boyfriend let it slip on my birthday that the surprise he had planned was a family dinner, I had sort of assumed it meant my sister and her husband, and my friend and her partner. I was wrong.

The surprise he had planned was flying in my parents from a whole different city. I was confused as to why he would bring them, but I might have overreacted, I don’t think I even stayed there for more than thirty minutes before I walked out of the restaurant and drove home.

I don’t really remember much of it, I just couldn’t sit there and listen to my parents belittle me while my boyfriend was sitting there.
The next day, my boyfriend showed up to my place. I knew we were going to talk about the previous day, but I guess I was expecting him to apologize. He didn’t.

Instead he got angry at me for ‘ruining the surprise’ he had been planning for a long time, and he said he just wanted to give me a chance to have a normal relationship with my parents. I understand where he is coming from, I guess, but I really didn’t appreciate the way he went about it.

I told him this, and he wasn’t really receptive. He just said that as my boyfriend he had a right to want to know my parents. I can really see what he means, but I can’t help to still feel like I’m owed an apology. So, am I the a**hole for ruining my birthday surprise?

Update here: https://aita.pics/oeJvo

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

tosser9212 −  “My parents are out of my life, and have been for the past two years, he knows all this.” “Instead he got angry at me for ‘ruining the surprise’ he had been planning for a long time, and he said he just wanted to give me a chance to have a normal relationship with my parents.”

F**k. That. S**t. This is not something a loving partner does without consent and much discussion. Your BF doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that you need to reconcile with your parents, and he doesn’t get to b**ch you out when you react to such an unpleasant surprise by leaving.

He’s doing s**t like this at 8 mos. This will be your life: he deciding that you’re not proceeding on a path he thinks best so he’ll simply correct it for you.. Again. F**k. That. S**t. NTA

AellaReeves −  NTA. Your boyfriend AND your parents are. The only people that ruined anything were your parents and your boyfriend. Instead of making up with you your parents continue their bad behaviour.

Instead of standing up for you, your boyfriend allows their bad behaviour. Your boyfriend does NOT have a right to know your parents when you removed them from your life.

Then instead of seeing what s**tty people they are, your boyfriend thinks you still need to have a “normal” relationship with them. You deserve a man, not a bratty little boy who thinks you did anything wrong. Give yourself an early Christmas present and d**p him.

Dragon_Fire_Skye −  Omigosh. You’re so NTA. Your boyfriend however. . . I suspect this isn’t the first time he’s disrespected you. He has no “right” to know your parents, your siblings, your friends, your bank balance, or even your favorite color. Does he always make everything about him?

silly_panda_105 −  NTA. This boy (not even a man) reeks of some sort of savior complex or something where he feels the need to step in and “do what’s right for you” instead of respecting your wishes.

It’s just feeding his own ego and the fantasy in his head. This will be something he will always do. I don’t like saying d**p him…but d**p him (even if he does try to apologize). You can do so much better. And you deserve so much better!  

_s1m0n_s3z −  You need a new boyfriend. D**p the man. You don’t want to be with anyone that stupid. NTA.

EllieCrown2 −  NTA. I am no contact with my mother. If someone close to me did this I would never forgive them. Run for the hills, before you end up with a partner that disrespects you in the same way your parents did.

This_Grab_452 −  NTA. Your boyfriend is giving very entitled/controlling vibes. Sure, he “has the right to want to know them” (lol) just as much as anyone has the right to *want* anything.

I *want* to meet a bunch of famous people and I sure as hell have the right to want it, but I’m not going to become a stalker to make it happen. Is this a relationship ender? Probably, especially given his lack of remorse and understanding that what he did was very much out of line.

OzSpaceCadet −  NTA. He didn’t plan this surprise for you, he planned it for him. He wanted to look like the good guy, the knight in shining armour who saved the day.

If you wanted to reconcile with your parents, you could’ve taken the steps to do so, on your terms. He overstepped massively and dismissed your feelings along the way and is now blaming you for it. Get rid of this AH.

Neither_Pop3543 −  So he was sitting there, listening to them belittling you, and is mad you left? He wanted you to allow them to treat you more badly ON YOUR BD?. NTA and d**p him.

If he had realized he had listened and been horrified, realized what a dumb fantasy that had been, and apologized…. yeah, well. Some people grew up blessed and have difficulty imagining others really had it differently. But when people double down on whatever they hurt you with, just realize they don’t really care about you and move on.

KateNotEdwina −  This person has no consideration for you and your feelings. The disrespect is astounding. You’re NTA but he certainly is. Hope you’re rethinking the relationship.

Was the boyfriend wrong for arranging the surprise without considering past trauma, or should the user have tried to appreciate his intentions? How would you navigate boundaries in such a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!