AITA for “ruining” my mom’s Thanksgiving?

A woman (34F) and her sister tried multiple times to confirm Thanksgiving plans with their mom (54F), who repeatedly said she wasn’t sure. Without solid plans, the woman and her fiancé decided to join his mom’s celebration instead.

When the mom finally reached out the day before Thanksgiving, she became upset upon learning they had made other plans. Despite offering to visit with her kids, the mom told her not to come and later posted on Facebook, claiming no one cared or showed up.

The woman responded by sharing a screenshot of their conversation, which led to family members siding with her and her mom deleting the post. Now she’s wondering if she mishandled the situation. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for “ruining” my mom’s Thanksgiving?’

I (34F) often b**t heads with my mom (54F). She’s high-strung, high-maintenance, and n**rotic, while I’m the opposite. In the two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, my sister (35F) and I asked our mom about her plans for the day. She said she wasn’t sure and would get back to us, but she never did.

The conversation came up a few more times, and still, no plans were made. So, my fiancé (35M) and I decided to do Thanksgiving at his mom’s house instead. We’ve been together almost 8 years, have 2 kids, and have done the last 2 Thanksgivings at his mom’s because my mom never made plans.

About 4 days before Thanksgiving, she asked if we had plans, and we said no. I had given up on hoping for dinner with my mom. My fiancé likes to cook turkey and offered to help his mom, so it worked out for everyone. The evening before Thanksgiving, while I was on break at work, my mom called.

She asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving, and I told her we were going to his mom’s house. This set her off. She cried, made a scene on FaceTime, and accused us of not loving her, saying his mom was more important, and that this would be the third year in a row it was at her house.

I tried to reassure her, reminding her that we had tried to make plans earlier, but she hung up on me. I spent most of my lunch break trying to comfort her, telling her we loved her just as much and that if she’d made plans sooner, we would’ve gone there.

I also said I’d still visit her with the kids, but we wouldn’t be hungry as we’d already eaten. That upset her more, and she told me not to bother coming. She said she wasn’t doing anything now and didn’t want us there. Thanksgiving came, and we had a great day with his family.

I didn’t go to my mom’s or call her because she shuts off her phone when she’s mad. The next day, I saw she posted on Facebook, saying she hoped everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and that nobody called or showed up, and she was hurt. Here’s where I may be the a**hole.

I showed the post to my sister, and we both got upset (her more than me). I posted a screenshot of our conversation on the post, pointing out how she told me not to come and shouldn’t play the victim when it was her fault nobody came over.

She deleted the post after realizing other family members were siding with us, and I haven’t heard from her since. So, Reddit, AITA for “ruining” my mom’s Thanksgiving?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA for going elsewhere when your mom refused to commit. Also NTA for “ruining” her Thanksgiving when you did no such thing.. However… I spent most of my lunch break trying to comfort her, telling her we loved her just as much and that if she’d made plans sooner, we would’ve gone there…

TA for coddling her later tantrum and dramatics and for you apologizing for her own actions (or inactions). As for her woe-is-me post, she posted in public, you replied in public.

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  NTA You did not ruin your mother’s holiday. SHE did, by being indecisive and waiting until the last moment to decide to talk with you about it. Let her know that you aren’t a mind reader, and don’t like to leave plans for holidays up in the air until the last minute.

Next year, talk with her early and when asking about plans for the holiday, set a time limit to when you need to hear confirmation from her. Otherwise, you will go ahead and make other plans. Don’t let her negativity weigh upon your heart for the holidays. She brings about her own misery with no help from anyone else.

embopbopbopdoowop −  NTA Next time she pulls a bait and switch, don’t spend your lunch break comforting her. Don’t spend *any* time comforting her. Tell her if she wants you to spend Thanksgiving at her house, she needs to invite you to Thanksgiving at her house when you ask her about her plans for Thanksgiving.

throwaway_virtuoso71 −  Your mom pulled the n**cissist’s classic D A R V O tactic on you for the Thanksgiving brouhaha. You did not ruin Thanksgiving, she did, but used DARVO tactics to make you feel like you did, hence your asking “am I the AH for RUINING Thanksgiving, when you didn’t.

Emotionally m**ipulative and emotional blackmailing moms are the worst. My own mother is a textbook case and the most unforgivable sin in their eyes is when you (a) do not do the song and dance to console them in their dramatics as they act the victim and/or (b) call them out on their fabrications and shine a light publicly on their undeserved self aggrandizement or victimhood.

It causes them a narcissistic injury and the vitriol they are capable of responding with is otherworldly! You, kind human, are guilty of (b) in her eyes and she is waiting for you to apologize for “hurting her” by telling the truth and removing the secrecy. This is no longer about Thanksgiving.

It is now about exposing her. She was betting on not being challenged publicly and she lost. The only reason she is not unleashing wrath on you is because she’s got you to at least meet requirement (a) so there is still a hook of power she feels she still has in you.

Don’t reach out. She will hold out for a bit and you will start hearing from the flying monkeys she will constantly complain to. Stay strong! And next time she tries the dramatics, remove yourself and immediately disengage.

Current-Name1334 −  NTA. You called her out on her bs and it sounds like she needed it. I mean this in the nicest way, but I really think your Mom could benefit from a good therapist. Her expectations in this situation were unrealistic and her reactions were pretty wild.

Quirky-Ad-6674 −  NTA you did exactly what she asked. It’s sad when the parent acts like the child. She caused a problem and then expects comfort while giving the silent treatment. If you continue to let her act like a baby then it will never stop. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with her.

Question: why haven’t you or your sister hosted Thanksgiving? If you were to host then both your mom and your partners parents would be able to attend. Make it a potluck to spread it the work and make everyone feel like they’re important.

Lumpy_Ear2441 −  NTA ~ Just reading your post and description of your mom makes ME want stay away from her. Your mom is a d**ma queen, life sucking pain in the ass. If you still want a relationship with her, you need to set your boundaries and STICK TO THEM.

If she doesn’t make plans until the last minute, then gets pouty when you’ve made other plans, instead of coddling her and feeding into her drama, let it go. When she brings it up, you say “Mom, we’ve already had this conversation. I’m going to hang up now. I have things to do”. After a while, she’ll see she can’t keep guilting you. It’s worth a try.

unimaginative_person −  Tell her next year she has until November 1st to decide if she is having Thanksgiving at her house. Maybe she wants one of you to invite her over. Of course if this is it she needs to learn how to communicate

BoredofBin −  NTA! Your mother just reaped what she showed. You are not an a**hole but your mom definitely is.

hadMcDofordinner −  Do not spend time consoling your m**ipulative, over-emotional mother when she gets upset over things like this. Just end the call/conversation and let her get on with it.

She WANTS you to play the game and feed her drama. Stop, you’ll waste less time and she’ll maybe learn that you are not going to play by her rules anymore and be less dramatic.. NTA

Was she justified in defending herself publicly, or should she have handled her mom’s frustration differently? How do you balance family dynamics during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!