AITA for “ruining” my future wife’s cousin’s reputation in the family?
A Reddit user (34M) shared how a past matchmaking experience came back to haunt them. After an amicable separation from a prospective partner, E, over differing lifestyle preferences, the user got engaged to someone else.
M. Unknowingly, M shared the reason behind the earlier separation with her family, only to discover that E is a distant cousin. This revelation sparked family drama, as E’s choices were criticized, leading her to accuse the poster of ruining her reputation. Read the full story below to see how it unfolded.
‘ AITA for “ruining” my future wife’s cousin’s reputation in the family?’
Almost 2 years ago, I(34M), was tired of dating; so I asked my parents to arrange some dates with prospective women. (Basically an arranged marriage). And that’s how I met E. E was very kind, funny and smart, so after two dates, when we sat down to discuss what we wanted in marriage.
I was thinking that she was the woman of my dreams. Sadly, we were not compatible, mainly because I wanted to keep living with my parents (I am an only child), and she didn’t. We had a very cordial separation.
(Just to avoid people asking this in the comments, we will not be living in the same house per se, more like a separate house in the same plot, so we can have privacy, so that I can take care of my parents in the future since they are still young and active ATM)
Fast foreward about 3 months, and I met my current fiancée, M. We were very compatible, so we got engaged very fast. And we fell in love during our more than a year long emgagement. Last month, we finally set the wedding date, so we had a party, and I got to meet her extended family.
It turned out that E is M’s distant cousin (E’s uncle is married to M’s father’s cousin). Which was no issue for me, I just thought that it was a funny coincidence. What I didn’t know was that, after I told M about the reason it didn’t work with E (months ago, before I knew they were related), M has told her mother, sister and close cousins.
And when it became obvious that it was their cousin, everyone shamed her. Not because she didn’t want to live with her in laws, but because she created problems between her brother and SIL, because her SIL refused to live with E’s parents.
Now, I didn’t know anything about this, until I received a very scathing voicemail from E, screaming at me for gossiping about her, and for ruining her reputation in the family. She said that I was an AH for even trying to paint her in a bad light after we parted ways. So AITA?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Basic-Regret-6263 − NTA. Your wife’s family are all mean gossipy assholes, and that SiL is definitely right not to want to live with them, even if she would be ok living with some other in-laws. You, on the other hand, were just trying to be up front with your new wife.
While obviously not all details should be shared with her, something like “yes, E and I dated, but we broke up over some basic incompatibilities,” was a reasonable thing to tell her. You didn’t know how awful they all were, or that your new wife would spread discord the way they did.
I would have a serious talk with your wife and tell her that she violated your trust by gossiping about private information you shared with her, and that makes you not feel like you can’t talk to her freely, because you can’t trust her.
theabsolutegayest − Okay, to confirm I understand: When you and E first met as a potential couple, you parted ways cordially because you wanted to share a multi-generational home with your parents. This is culturally normal for your community, but she wasn’t interested. No drama or conflict was involved at the time.
Your parents then introduced you to M, with whom you are compatible. You did not know she was related to E. As part of the marriage negotiations, you shared with M’s family that E didn’t want to live with your parents to assuage your future MIL’s concerns.
*Separately,* E harassed her SIL because said SIL didn’t want to live with E’s parents. E’s hypocrisy has now been outed to her family and is causing problems. None of this has anything to do with you. You respected the E’s life plan wasn’t compatible with your own, and at no point did you agree to keep that a secret.
You did not spread gossip for the sake of it, nor did you deceive anyone about what has happened. I say you’re NTA, and I suggest you and M keep out of whatever problems E is dealing with.
3batsinahousecoat − From the post and your other comments, you didn’t ruin her reputation. She did. For giving her SiL a hard time for not doing the exact same thing she refused to do – she just didn’t want anybody to KNOW she was guilty of the same behaviour.
DesertSong-LaLa − NTA – Gossiped? A decision not to marry is based on facts. If she was against the living arrangement she should have no problem if others knew. She should feel confident of her decision and not feel challenged by opposing opinions.
You were not malicious. How others reacted to your statement is not your responsibility. Her reaction to you was inappropriate. She needs to manage her life and family relationships; not you.
SnooPets8873 − NTA and I suspect if she weren’t getting reamed out by the family she would realize this was a bad coincidence and not you coming after her. It is unfortunate in terms of the trouble it’s reopened but these things happen because the communities are so /interconnected.
When I went through this matchmaking process, my biggest barrier was actually that I couldn’t be honest. I couldn’t say that I’m not religious because if they told the aunt who introduced us, I’m screwed.
I couldn’t dress how I would normally dress because if they reported it back to their brother and he told his cousin or others, again, I’d be screwed. I couldn’t say that I have no problem with alcohol because if that guy said anything, no one,
even the ones whose sons drink and do drugs, would set me up again and while I didn’t care, my parents would be miserable. My mom couldn’t tell a guy’s mom why we didn’t want to get married (he had a secret girlfriend of 5 years who contacted my family to give us a heads up) because if she had told her the truth,
it would have caused him and his family a world of trouble and embarrassment. In a culture that imposes such harsh judgment on everyone and the consequences to women are 10x worse than what happens to men (if anything at all!),
I have always operated under a principle that I don’t tell anyone about those guys if there is a chance they know him and I definitely never tell anyone in the community anything about women unless it makes them sound like an angel. It’s just a s**tty system for everyone except the judgmental old people.
Ok_Seaweed3034 − NTA It was a very normal thing to share with your future wife. You honestly had a duty to share your history with E with M.
She would have found out eventually and it would have looked really bad for you if it hadn’t come from you. It’s not your fault that E had behaved in such a way that she did or that M decided to gossip about your history with her and shame her.
Aromatic_Recipe1749 − NTA. You didn’t paint her in a bad light. You simply commented on why a relationship didn’t work out. She sounds like she went off the rails just because she was exposed as a h**ocrite.
HistoricalWeek9378 − NTA. Honestly you didn’t do anything wrong E is just mad that they got caught being a h**ocrite!
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Do you think the Redditor is at fault for unintentionally sparking family drama, or should E take responsibility for her family’s reaction? How would you handle sensitive topics when discussing past relationships with a partner? Share your thoughts below!