AITA For “ruining” Christmas for my in-laws and blowing up their relationship with my husband, because I told the truth (possibly from ego)?

A Reddit user shares a family drama involving their in-laws and Christmas plans, questioning if being honest about the situation caused unnecessary fallout and reignited old wounds for their husband. The story explores themes of family dynamics, boundaries, and the consequences of telling the truth.

‘ AITA For “ruining” Christmas for my in-laws and blowing up their relationship with my husband, because I told the truth (possibly from ego)?’

In summer we were speaking with my MIL & FIL (\*H\*usband’s stepdad), Christmas came up & they were vocal in their sadness we’ve never spent a Christmas together. We have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, & we live in a different province. Where we live my MIL has a dozen other family members, and where they live it’s just them and SIL (17f, half-sibling to H).

Both areas have extreme and unpredictable winter weather, and it’s about a 19hr drive each way between us. We all drive to see each other in the good weather months, but we don’t drive further than a couple of hours away in winter.

Instead of paying for the 5 of us to fly to see them at Christmas (and paying to kennel the dogs/cat or get a sitter), I offered to pay for the 3 of them to fly here to stay with us because it’s cheaper, it’s easier (flying with one teen vs 3 young kids), and they’d also get to see the other pockets of family who live here.

They were really happy, and I told them to look into their schedules/book time off, and let me know the dates they wanted to travel. I’ve been reminding them I need dates for months – they both work shift work (which is sometimes opposing, so they don’t always share the same days off), and SIL has school.

I reminded them each time that I’m not  booking this until they give me the specific dates they plan on traveling. My last reminder was the last week of November, where I told MIL on a phone-call that the flights were booking up, it’s a small town and there aren’t many flights to start with – I NEED them to solidify their plans, book the days off, and let me know.

I told her this will be the last time I ask for the dates, and I’ll wait for them to get back in touch when they have them. Then I mentally washed my hands of them. She called me on the 15^(th) of December with their dates, and I went online with her on the phone so we could book it – flights are booked up.

I opened the option of them coming in the New Year and having a late makeshift Christmas, and she said “it’s not the same though”. I just said “that’s a shame”, and we ended the call. Now, I know I’m not the AH for any of this, but possibly for the fall-out.

Yesterday I ran into H’s cousin, who was talking about how s**tty it is that the flights didn’t work out for my in-laws. I agreed, but mentioned how annoying it is to listen to them complain about missing Christmas with us when all they had to do was provide dates.

Well, apparently the in-laws have been telling the family that this was MY fault, that I dropped the ball, and now they’re going to be home alone, again. So I let him know that this has been in the works since June, that I hounded them for weeks, reminded them at every turn, that I was willing to pay for everything and ALL they had to do was give me dates for their stay/travel, they resisted, and we tried to book the minute they finally gave them to us.

The cousin told his parents what I said (he’s not the AH, I’d do the same), his mom told her sister (MIL). MIL called H and was yelling at him about how I ruined their Christmas and was talking “s**t”.

H told his mom he never wanted to spend Christmas with them anyway and this all worked out perfectly, that they should be kissing the ground I walk on for being the only reason they got to see their grandkids, that the only reason they have a relationship with us is because I’ve facilitated it,

that I have overcompensated for their short-comings to ensure it, that I was trying to give them a nice big family Christmas because I have a loving and generous heart, and they s**t all over it with their ineptitude…then, “I wasn’t even surprised, you’re as useless as a paper hammer”, and he hung up on her.

The whole family is up-in-arms between the flights/Christmas, me telling the truth, and then H telling the truth. H was NC with his mom when we met, the result of a traumatic childhood with a lot of n**lect and abuse.

They forged a new relationship after we got married (she seemed to have changed, is a good mom to SIL, stable marriage), but he has always kept her at arm’s length, minimal effort, uninvested. I’m usually the one making calls, sending cards/gifts, planning trips to see them.

He’s been happy for the kids to have that relationship (she’s been a better nana than she was a mother), but knows they will never be close. He was happy to keep the new status quo.

Her biggest issue through this new relationship has been her flakiness – this issue with making plans/ committing is very normal for her and has been frustrating for us (H thinks it’s because she really just deep-down still doesn’t care, and posited that her refusal to give dates was because she never actually wanted to come, so she sabotaged it). He is now totally done with her (we all are, by extension).

So, AITA for my impulsivity and annoyance (maybe a little ego), which led me to tell the truth to the wrong person, making me the catalyst for an entire familial implosion? Should I have just taken it on the chin and removed my feelings from the situation? I feel REALLY bad.

H has been brought right back to those feelings he worked so hard to work through. He seems somewhat relieved to be done (despite never previously expressing any regret over reconnecting – fully in, but emotionally removed from her), but I can tell it’s awoken that sadness he carried for a long time.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Variable_Cost −  Why are you spending emotional energy on your inlaws who don’t want it, don’t need it, and don’t appreciate it. You’ve done your part. They need to make an effort.

rebelliousrodent −  You told the truth to a person that was told a lie that made you, and only you, look like the bad guy. You didn’t go out of your way to humilliate anyone, nor to feed your ego. Someone told you wrong information about youself directly to you, and you corrected the information on the spot. You are never the a**hole for that.

MIL ruined christmas all by herself, and by the sound of it, she would have done something else to ruin christmas on actual christmas day, so I’d call this a win. Just, support your husband, and for the love of god do no try to push him to mend things with anyone.

Not for his sake, nor the kids’ nor SIL’s. If anyone wants to believe MIL, that’s on them. If she didn’t want any fallout, she shouldn’t have lied. It really is than simple. I hope this calms down soon so you all get to enjoy the holidays.

6poundpuppy −  NTAH…but it’s quite clear you are just seeking validation for doing what any normal person would do in the same situation. Clearly your in laws are not worth any emotional investment and husband knows this and has already closed that door. So, in actuality…you are a bit of an AH by trying so hard to keep a connection between your family and the in-laws. Please give it up….for your husband’s sake and for your own sanity. It’s long overdue.

GodsWarrior89 −  Nope. You went out of your way to be accommodating to your in laws. It sounds like you do a lot for them already. If they can’t see that & see how they botched the dates, then that’s on them! Enjoy your Christmas with your kiddos!

Abby_Rain_87 −  NTA. I think your husband is correct his mother did this on purpose she is a n**cissist she probably planned this just to put the blame on you. I don’t think you were being impulsive by telling the cousin you were just being honest. Don’t feel bad enjoy your holidays.

Outside_Frosting9957 −  He is nc with his mother for a reason and you come in and try to make it seem like you know best. Now you know why he keeps her far away

l3ex_G −  Why do you even care about her? Stop wasting your time and energy. You didn’t do anything, your husband was let down again and I hope he keeps the no contact

TheRealRedParadox −  NTA but Sounds like you should have trusted your husband’s judgemental the first time when he was NC. 

jgas94 −  NTA, you told the truth. Your in-laws’ flakiness isn’t your fault. Focus on your family.

DisneyBuckeye −  NTA. You said your husband reconnected with his mom after your wedding. You’ve been married long enough that you have 3 kids, and during that time, they never once came out to see you for Christmas.

You went out of your way to try to facilitate that for them and they just sat on their thumbs. And then when it was a last-minute mad scramble for tickets (which would have been probably twice as much BTW), it was too late. You tried for 6 months to set this up and they couldn’t do it.

That’s one thing, but for her to LIE to everyone about it? And to people that you see regularly?? That is just dumb. And sometimes you can’t fix dumb. You didn’t cause this. His mom did with her complete and utter lack of action and then her lies. You are correcting misconceptions about the bad information she’s spreading. You absolutely should defend yourself.

I know you’re worried about your husband, but this was probably a really good thing. It sounds like he’s had a lot of pent up emotions about his mom, possibly even going back to when he was NC with her the first time, and he was able to get them all out. Yes he’s sad about it, but it’s probably really cathartic for him as well.

Do you think the user was justified in sharing their side of the story, or should they have let the situation go to avoid further drama? How would you handle strained family relationships during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!