AITA for (rudely) refusing to give my kid’s hand-me-downs and old toys & furniture to my sister?
Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when favoritism and double standards come into play. OP, who became a mother at 20, experienced what she believed was “tough love” from her parents—only to watch her older sister receive an entirely different level of support when she became pregnant.
While OP struggled with postpartum depression and a lack of emotional and physical help, her sister is now being pampered and given everything she needs. To make matters worse, OP’s parents are now demanding that she give up her daughter’s old baby items to furnish a nursery for her sister’s child. OP refuses, and the backlash is intense. Is she in the wrong, or is she justified in standing her ground?
‘AITA for (rudely) refusing to give my kid’s hand-me-downs and old toys & furniture to my sister?’
Expert Opinion:
Favoritism in families is a well-documented phenomenon that can have lasting emotional impacts on the children involved. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in family relationships, states that “perceived favoritism in childhood can lead to lifelong resentment and strained relationships, especially when one child is denied the same level of care and support given to another”.
OP’s experience of being treated as an independent adult while her sister is coddled speaks to this deeply ingrained issue.
What makes the situation even worse is that OP was in a vulnerable position, needing emotional support during her pregnancy and postpartum period. According to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, “New parents—especially young mothers—thrive when they have a strong support system. When that support is denied, it can lead to lasting emotional scars”.
OP’s parents did not just refuse financial assistance; they actively avoided emotional engagement with her pregnancy, which likely contributed to her postpartum struggles.
Analyzing the Conflict:
At the heart of this situation is the glaring double standard in how OP and her sister were treated. OP was expected to navigate motherhood alone because she was “an independent adult,” yet her sister—who is also an adult—is being completely catered to. The emotional neglect OP faced is compounded by the demand that she now give away her daughter’s belongings to help furnish a nursery for her sister’s child.
This request is not just about baby furniture—it symbolizes an ongoing pattern of dismissing OP’s struggles while providing unwavering support to her sister. OP’s refusal to comply is her way of setting a boundary, something that she was never given the space to do before.
Furthermore, the reaction from OP’s family, calling her “petty” and “resentful,” suggests an unwillingness to acknowledge past mistakes. Instead of recognizing that their treatment of OP was unfair, they are doubling down and trying to guilt her into compliance.
Professional Insights:
Dr. Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents, explains that “families who play favorites often gaslight the unfavored child into believing they are overreacting, which can lead to self-doubt and guilt”. OP’s parents’ insistence that she is being immature and resentful is a classic example of this manipulation. They are attempting to rewrite history to make it seem as though their behavior toward her was justified while demanding that she now make sacrifices for them.
Additionally, child psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone states that “siblings who grow up in unfair environments often struggle with resentment in adulthood. If these issues are never addressed, they can cause permanent rifts in family relationships”. If OP’s parents continue to ignore the disparities in how they treated their children, they risk alienating OP completely.
Solutions & Lessons Learned:
- Setting Boundaries: OP is well within her rights to refuse to give away her daughter’s things. Just because her parents now want to be involved doesn’t mean she is obligated to accommodate them.
- Addressing the Double Standard: If OP’s parents want a relationship with her moving forward, they need to acknowledge the disparities in how they treated their daughters. Avoiding this conversation will only widen the emotional gap.
- Breaking the Cycle: If OP chooses to remain in contact with her family, she should ensure that her daughter is not subjected to the same favoritism in the future. She can decide what kind of relationship she wants for her child with these relatives.
- Financial Responsibility: OP’s sister is receiving plenty of help from their parents, so it should be on them to furnish the nursery rather than expecting OP to foot the bill for their generosity.
- Self-Preservation: It may be best for OP to distance herself from her family if they continue to belittle and guilt-trip her for setting boundaries.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
OP’s parents made it clear that they wanted her to be fully independent when she became a mother. Now, they are bending over backward for her sister and expect OP to contribute. The hypocrisy is undeniable. OP’s decision to refuse their request is not an act of pettiness—it’s an assertion of her self-worth after years of being dismissed.
The real question is, should OP even maintain contact with a family that treats her so unequally? Or is it time for her to step away entirely? What do you think? Let us know your thoughts!