AITA for revealing our net worth when my wife constantly says we are broke and making me look bad with money?

A Redditor (31M) has been with his wife (30F) for 10 years, and while they are financially well-off, his wife constantly claims they are “broke” and makes comments that undermine his ability to provide for the family.

Despite going over their finances regularly and agreeing on a modest lifestyle, his wife often talks about how they can’t afford things in front of others, which makes him feel ashamed.

After years of her doing this, he finally revealed their true financial status at a family dinner. His wife is now upset, calling it “gloating.” Read the full story below to see how this conflict unfolded.

‘ AITA for revealing our net worth when my wife constantly says we are broke and making me look bad with money?’

I (31M) have been with my wife (30F) for 10 years now and she always has had this habit of making me look bad with our finances. Whenever anything regarding spending money comes up she will always say how broke we are and she doesn’t have the money to do this or buy that. The thing is we are doing well financially.

We have decent jobs and combine our salary is roughly $125k/yr. As of today our net worth is more than $1 million but less than 2. I had saved/invested a lot before getting married so I gave us a good head start.

I control the finances/take the lead but we both agreed to living a very modest life. We both have our cars from college for example (Honda & Toyota). She knows everything about our finances because at least once a month I go over it with her every time I deposit money in our investment accounts or our kids college funds.

For banking we have an emergency fund and I budget everything else to go straight into investments. We basically stay right at $10k in our banks savings account and $500 in our checking account after bills.

EDIT: Most of the time there is more than $500 in our checkings but once I pay our CC each month I then move anything extra. We always use the CC so its not like we only have $500 to spend. Our CC limit is $25,000.

A few months ago we had dinner with her friends and they talked buying a new car. My wife said something like, ‘I wish I could get a new car but I’m always broke after paying the bills. We still have our college cars!’ (EDIT: Wife does not want a new car). She will go on to talk about if she had money what she would want to buy and it always makes me feel ashamed.

This ‘I’m broke story’ has been happening for years. When we were driving home I asked her about. She understood we have the money but its how she feels because her bank account is always low. I said I can increase our budget or keep more money in our bank if she wants. Since we are doing well I’m okay with spending more.

She said no and again was happy with our finances. I explained that when she says we are broke it makes me look bad and I feel ashamed. Its as though I can’t provide for the family and/or I am bad with money. She doesn’t see it that way.

The same conversation has come up numerous times about us being broke. Recently, I reminded her numerous tikes it makes me feel and look bad infront of friends and family.

I told her if she keeps saying stuff like that I will reveal that we are doing well with money. I gave her a few reminders I’d eventually do this but she kept going with the I’m broke story.

At a dinner with her sister and parents the same I’m broke story came up. I piped in and said, ‘It’s weird to hear a millionaire say they are broke.’ My wife said, ‘Haha, I’m not though.’ And I quickly say, ‘We are millionaires and you know that.

We go over our finances every month.’ Well the I’m broke story stopped after that and the night went on as usual. A little later the same thing happens with her friends and I use the same line.

Now my wife is mad at me for using that line and revealing roughly how much money we have. She said it seems like I’m gloating. I say its better than making me look like I’m running us into the ground fincially. So AITA for revealing our networth when my wife says we are broke?

EDIT: Final update for now as we have a long weekend planned. Some key points I saw a lot of and wanted to give answers.
-I’m pretty open to us spending money and I don’t restrict her spending. She has the CC to spend money monthly.

Most of the month we have far more than $500 in our checking but I move anything above to our investments once I pay the CC every month. I know I won’t have any big expenses then. If I do we have the CC limit and the $10k emergency cash.

-We live on a really cheap area and had a low cost of living. We never felt rhe need to upgrade ungrade until we wanted to start having kids. I didn’t have to change our lifestyle much to save a lot.

-My job is in demand and pays well because nobody wants to live out in my area. So after expenses I take home a lot more than I would living in a major city. Probably 3 to 4 times more net savings annually if I had to guess.

-She doesn’t want a new car and has told me that multiple times. She doesn’t like driving and feels comfortable with her current car.

-She doesn’t know what she wants to do when she retires. I know I’ll be golfing, games, and eating edibles most days. I don’t do any of this much now because we have kids and they will be my focus for a long time.
I maybe golf 1 or 2 times a month amd thats the only times I take edibles.

-I’ll speak more with my wife about this. After reading posts I think she may not feel like its her money since she never saved much before we got engaged.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

macaroni_rascal42 −  NTA. She was dismissive of your feelings and was constantly lying to the people around her. It’s a classic case of play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Elli_Khoraz −  NTA. It’s very weird that your wife feels the need to constantly downplay and pretend that she’s poor.
What about all the people who are actually struggling?Very weird, and a s**tty thing for your wife to do. It’s good that you called her out on it.

InterminableSnowman −  INFO Why does she downplay your combined wealth?
Is she worried her family will ask for financial assistance? Is the crack about her college car because she’s sick of using am old car but doesn’t think you’ll agree to buying a new one?

And why do you feel like it’s specifically calling you out? Is she saying you’re not earning enough, or that you’re spending all the money? I feel like there’s something going on you haven’t told us.

BroadElderberry −  ESH. Paychecks, Politics, Prayers. The 3 forbidden dinner conversations.
It sounds like your wife falls back on the “I’m broke” line to cover up her insecurities of not “keeping up” with her social circle.

And I get that you’re not pleased with her comments, but having an argument about your finances in mixed company is…just kind of classless. No one needs to know how much money you make or don’t make.

It’s weird that you think her comments make *you* look bad, since you both work, and it doesn’t seem like it’s common knowledge that you manage the finances? I mean if someone’s wife tells me “we’re broke,” my first thought isn’t “oh, it must be the husband, he’s bad at money.” That I think is your own insecurity.

J0sey_W4les_23 −  ESH – Bro… your wife has $500 in her checking account and drives a beater… for all intents and purposes she lives like she is broke. Throwing out that she has $1M in YOUR investment account does not make it seem like she is lying, it makes it seems like you are a controlling a**hole.

Conscious-Jello2148 −  ESH. It seems like there is such tension in your marriage over money that your wife is acting passive aggressively like T A by complaining that you’re broke nonstop in front of family and friends, and then you responded with the nuclear option of revealing your full financial details

(only soft T A on that, because you did give her full warning you were going to do it). The reason might be these details from your post and comments: that you’d saved 80% of your combined $125K income for many years, lived in a 600 sq ft apartment for 4-5 years, and are driving cars that are around ten years old, as your wife is watching her friends get new cars.

I think you have been wise with your money and that’s a great thing. But have you been a little too frugal? Has your wife been unhappy for ten years because she had no breathing room to enjoy any discretionary spending at all, and has this been a recurring argument that’s now playing out in front of an audience?

It sounds like what both of you really need to do is to talk to each other about what is really bothering you about your financial situation, because your wife sounds unhappy and it seems like she’s uncomfortable telling you why she’s unhappy (since she didn’t take the initial offer to rework the finances).

What you probably need is marriage counseling, not Reddit, which would get to the source of the problem. And I’ll probably get downvoted to hell for this comment, but I’m trying to be honest.

SamRaB −  ~~ESH~~. YTA, now that I know your wife isn’t on the investment account. Classic financial abuse.Original comment: Don’t come to Reddit for your marital problems. Your wife is unhappy and has made that very clear.

Now she’s seeking backup hoping you’ll figure it out since whatever hints she dropped to just you aren’t even mentioned here. They went completely unnoticed. Talk to her with the goal of solving the issue.

Then, resolve the issue. My amateur read is that she wants more control of the money she earns, but you won’t know if that’s true until you ask her honestly. Oh, and there should be no repercussions for her stating honestly how she feels and what she wants. Fix your marriage before it’s too late.. Edit2: Thank you for the award!

RamblingManUK −  NTA. You’re just being honest, she’s just throwing herself a pity party by acting broke.

[Reddit User] −  I mean, is she allowed to spend things on herself? You said you control the finances. I mean. Would she have to get your permission to get a new car?What does it mean that “you control the money”? If you’re controlling her paycheck, how much she gets, etc, that’s really bad.

Significant_Sock_489 −  ESH Your wife is repeating this self depreciating line because she feels embarrassed when speaking to friends about her older car etc. Shes then not being clear to you that she does want a new car, because she feels bad for saying it. You both need to communicate honestly to one another.

Either way stop having public conversations about money and what you can and cant afford in front of people its crass and even more so when you have money.

Was the Redditor wrong to reveal their financial situation, or was it justified after repeatedly being made to look bad in front of others? Do you think it was “gloating” or simply standing up for himself? Share your thoughts below!