AITA for refusing to visit my dad after my room was converted to an office/bedroom?

A Redditor shared their feelings about their father converting their childhood room into an office/bedroom to accommodate their stepmother’s work needs. Despite their dad’s apology and willingness to revert the change, they have chosen not to stay overnight anymore. This decision has caused significant tension, leaving the dad in tears. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to visit my dad after my room was converted to an office/bedroom?’

I used to visit my dad most weekends and all of summer. He recently got remarried to someone I actually have a decent relationship with. I also have two stepbrothers who are younger and who I don’t really interact with. My dad has a four bedroom house. So all the kids have a bedroom.

When I went to visit last month, I was “surprised” with a renovated room. And by renovated I mean it was converted to an office with a couch that pulls out to a bed. It did look nice I suppose. Apparently my stepmother works from home and needed an office.

I didn’t cry or throw a tantrum. I slept in the room that weekend and have refused to stay the night since. I was really hurt and felt like I didn’t matter. My mom tried to convince me to go back but gave up after I told her I was old enough to decide.

My dad is stressing out and has apologized and said he’ll change the room back but honestly, I’m done. This was the final thing that sealed the deal for me. I told him that as well. I told him I’ll come for day visits and we can have dinners but I won’t be staying overnight anymore.
Was I the a**hole? He did cry and I feel really s**tty about it.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

gbstermite −  NTA. This is why one has to be so careful when blending families. To go from having a room to being made to feel like a guest hurts. There should have been some conversation before any renovations happened. Give your dad a chance though. He knows he messed up and does want to fix it

luckbealady1994 −  NTA I don’t understand how at 15 years old you’re expected to be okay with a pullout couch when you stay with your dad 3/4 weekends a month and all summer…. like damn.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. I can’t believe they tried to sell taking away your bed and giving you a pull out couch as a positive “surprise.” If there is anything your dad can do that would make you feel welcome and want to stay there again, it would be nice of you to share that with him, but you don’t have to.

yogifit111 −  NTA this is classic ‘let me make a second family because I fucked up my first one and pretend everything is business as usual’ bs… Also a lot of custody agreements require the child to have their own bedroom and at 15 you’re still a child.

Wienerwrld −  INFO: How old are you?

S1039861 −  NTA, how did stepmom and dad think it was going to work out when you are there half the time. Had they talked to you prior and came up with a solution it would be different. They effectively kicked you out, and are treating you like a guest and not part of the family.

Gooseberrypeach −  oh hell to the no. NTA you deserve your own room just as much as anyone else. Even if you arent there all the time. And your stepmom can go shove it. She can have an office in her bedroom or convert some other part of the house.

xcarex −  NTA. You shouldn’t be made to feel like a *guest* at your dad’s house. That’s your house, too, even if you don’t live there full time. When it comes to custody agreements, you should have a dedicated bedroom in both homes.

It’s messed up and your dad should absolutely change it back. Your stepmother’s need for an office doesn’t supercede your need for a private space. What were they going to do when you were living there all summer???

polichomp −  NTA. You’re only fourteen, but you handled this with more tact and patience than most adults have. Your father and stepmother didn’t deserve that, but I want to personally commend you on your restraint.

Your pain is justified. Though your father seems to have expressed ~~genuine~~ remorse and has promised to give you a room in his house again, there’s no simple way to repair the damage he’s done to your relationship.

Taking away your room ostracized you from a family unit you may already feel it’s difficult to fit into, and ultimately conveyed priority for his other family over you. Your wording also makes me believe this isn’t the first instance in which he’s acted without your best interest in mind.

In the meantime, I would express thankfulness to your mother for caring so much about your relationship with your father, but ask that you be given the freedom to decide how, and if, you want him involved in your life.

Deciding to keep him at arms length and keeping your expectations low is a fair response to his careless and thoughtless actions until he’s committed to your relationship with him. I’m sorry you had to be the adult in that situation.

Edit: I just saw your reply about the amount babysitting you’re doing. While I don’t feel it’s out of line to ask children to watch their siblings here and there, having you fill in as a sitter for a whole summer has crossed a line.

This is parentification; it can impact children well into adulthood, and some go so far as to call it emotional abuse. You wouldn’t be out of line to tell him you’re not okay with doing that again. If he wanted kids, he can raise them.

[Reddit User] −  Based on the additional stuff you mentioned, NTA. For those saying they’re not entitled to their own room: I’d wager it’s not about not having their own room, it’s about feeling excluded from their father’s family and having their place in their father’s home converted into a convenience for their stepmother (with a couch for them to sleep on feeling like an afterthought).

Given the line about, “this was the final thing that sealed the deal for me,” and mentioning that their father made them babysit for half the summer (e.g., not spending time with OP and foisting the step-siblings off on them), I’d also wager that there’s a backlog of other s**t that has made OP feel excluded from father’s family.

OP: you’re not the a**hole for how you reacted, but it may also be worth thinking this through. Your dad seems like they’ve expressed genuine remorse, so it might be worthwhile sitting down with them, explaining your issues,

how they made you feel, and why you want to distance yourself. Among these should be why they thought turning your personal space into a sterile work room was a gift to you, and why they didn’t tell you beforehand

Was the Redditor justified in feeling hurt and deciding to limit visits, or should they reconsider after their father’s apology? What would you have done in this situation? Share your thoughts below!