AITA for refusing to talk to my husband’s ex-wife’s wife?

A Redditor (38F) is navigating a challenging co-parenting situation with her husband’s ex-wife and her wife. Despite efforts to maintain respect and boundaries, the ex-wife’s wife frequently makes passive-aggressive comments and undermines the Redditor’s role in the children’s lives, including remarks about her lack of parenting experience.

Frustrated by the constant disrespect, the Redditor has decided to stop engaging with the ex-wife’s wife altogether, focusing only on necessary communication with the ex-wife. This decision has led to accusations of being “difficult” and “inappropriate” from the ex-wife and her wife, who claim the Redditor is not prioritizing the children’s best interests.

The situation is further complicated by the Redditor’s pregnancy, adding stress to an already tense dynamic. For the full story, read below…

‘ AITA for refusing to talk to my husband’s ex-wife’s wife?’

I (38F) am married to my husband (50M), who shares custody of his two kids (16F and 12M) with his ex-wife (48F). His ex is remarried to her wife (48F), who has become extremely involved in the co-parenting dynamic.
They have been divorced for eight years when my husband’s ex-wife left him for her current wife. I met my husband almost six years ago, we married earlier this year.

From the beginning, I’ve tried to be polite and respectful when interacting with his ex-wife and her wife, but over time, I’ve grown to avoid any direct contact with them, especially his ex-wife’s wife. Every time I do engage, she finds a way to talk down to me or make passive-aggressive comments—both to my face and indirectly through the kids.

For example, she’ll say things like, “I’m surprised you’re here, with you it’s always hit or miss,” or, “we’re too old for what you do.” She’s also made snide remarks about how I am not good with the kids “you can always ask me questions as I know how to parent them.”

The kids have picked up on it, too. They’ve mentioned things like, “stepmom says you don’t really know how kids because you don’t have any,” or, “stepmom and mom said you’re only involved because Dad needs help.” It’s incredibly frustrating, especially because I’ve made every effort to build a good relationship with the kids and respect their boundaries.

I finally decided that for my own sanity, I’m done trying to engage with her. I still talk to my husband’s ex-wife when necessary, but I won’t involve myself with her wife anymore. Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed. Now, the ex-wife and her wife are accusing me of being “inappropriate” and “difficult” because I won’t speak to her or coordinate directly with her. They insist that her involvement is “necessary” and that I’m not prioritizing what’s best for the kids.

But here’s the thing: I’m not refusing to co-parent. I’m refusing to subject myself to someone who consistently disrespects me and undermines my role in the kids’ lives. My husband agrees with me, but I’m still questioning whether I’m doing the right thing for the kids by drawing this line

Additionally, I am pregnant and this is causing me great stress. The ex-wife is already creating conflict with my husband every chance she gets. She interferes with our custodial time every week and constantly berats him in the parenting app they use to communicate. AITA for refusing to talk to his ex-wife’s wife?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

ktjbug −  There’s literally no reason you have to be talking to either of these women. They aren’t your children and they aren’t your responsibility and if the person who is responsible for them won’t manage those relationships it’s not your burden to take on.

NTA and pass the reins over to your husband. I’ve driven step daughter back and forth occasionally and still not interacted with mom via text or phone once; all of it is through my husband. Probably why I like her fine enough.

Adventurous-Smile251 −  NTA Let your husband be the point of contact with them. They’re only pissed off because they’ve enjoyed trying to belittle you and you’ve cut them off. Also sounds like jealousy with you being a lot younger. If in future you unfortunately have an interaction with them and they’re mean, call them out and say you’ve heard menopausal symptoms can be hard and thank god I don’t need to deal with that for a long time.

justvisiting1973 −  “Did you mean to be so rude…?” Then just tilt your head and stare while you wait for her to answer…. NTA.

CeramicSavage −  Nta. She’s obviously very high conflict and talking to her is nothing but stressful. There’s no reason to deal with her at all.

Particular-Try5584 −  NTA. Sounds wise to go low/ no contact with them, they aren’t co parenting, they are b**lying. Also consider getting a mediated parenting plan that is legally tied up properly. And a parenting communication app… so everyone communicates through the court ordered app and it notes tone and insults. Will sort a lot of the nonsense out.

While you are at it… get the kids into some kind of therapy, and warn the therapist that the ex/ex’s wife are warming up alienation and you want a good relationship with your step kids and can the therapist help facilitate this.

AriasK −  NTA As a step parent myself, I think it’s kind of weird to have any contact with the exes partner outside of pleasantries when you see each other. My husband does all of the communicating with his ex wife and the kids step dad and I have no communication at all outside of seeing each other in person on the kids birthdays etc.

Traditional-Load8228 −  Whatever you do, do not bad mouth them to the kids. And ask your husband to ask the ex to stop badmouthing you to the kids. The kids hear it and repeat it and it affects everyone’s relationship. It’s not fair to the kids to put them in the middle like that.

If the kids do tell you something bad that’s been said, react maturely and model the behavior you’d like the kids to learn. If they pass on something just say “oh I don’t want you to be out in the middle of things. I love you and I love spending time with you”. Or something like that.

TwistSuccessful3349 −  You are NTA for not talking to your husband’s ex-wife’s wife. Her passive aggressive comments and constant criticism are hurtful, especially saying that to the children, and it’s ok to set boundaries. You’re still co-parenting by talking to his ex-wife, so you’re doing what’s best for the kids while protecting yourself from unnecessary stress and conflict. Just avoid her as much as possible and try not to let her remarks get to you

HighwayManBS −  You know who’s TA? Your husband! Why is he not shutting this down and standing up for you? You have a right not to be bullied and belittled. You’re doing your part and making an effort with the kids NTA.

notsosprite −  Is it “you know nothing about kids” or “you are there because the dad needs help”? They can’t have it both ways.. NTA.