AITA for refusing to support my niece’s lifestyle?

A Reddit user stepped up to care for their niece after her parents were imprisoned, but financial and behavioral challenges are testing their limits.

The niece is struggling to adjust to a simpler lifestyle, while the guardian faces criticism for refusing to indulge her luxury tastes and tolerating bullying behavior. Read the full story below for all the details.

‘ AITA for refusing to support my niece’s lifestyle?’

My sister and her husband were sent to prison at the start of this year, and sadly won’t be released for a few years. That left me to look after their 15 year old daughter Amy. I was perfectly happy to do this, but as most of their wealth was seized for being “ill gotten”, it’s meant that I’ve been having to care for her out of my own pocket.

Once again this doesn’t bother me, but it’s meant massive life changes for the kid. Firstly, they sent her to a private school. I can’t afford anywhere near those fees, so I had to transfer her to a local school. She was upset at this at first, but she quickly made friends and is excelling academically so this isn’t a huge problem.

She’s been off school for the last few months anyway due to the situation. A bigger problem is clothing. Like my sister Amy loves fashion and designer stuff. She’s still got a lot of stuff that her parents got her, but she’s always on the lookout for new clothes.

Unfortunately, I can’t afford anywhere near the sort of stuff she likes, and I also have two children of my own whose clothing I have to pay for. I have told my sister this, but she insists I should “make allowances” because her daughter is going through a tough time.

Amy also really doesn’t get along with my daughter Hannah, who is 11. She bullies her, calls her stupid and ugly, tells her none of her friends really like her etc. She has made her cry on many occasions and and often continues to taunt Hannah while she cries. Yesterday I caught Amy trying to buy a dress costing over a thousand with my card. I was fuming and had a long conversation with her.

She cried, and sobbed that she just wanted one nice thing. My sister called from the prison, and Amy cried over the phone that she hates here and I treat her unfairly. I spoke to my sister afterwards and she begged me to go easy on her daughter because she’s “still adjusting”.

I put food on this kid’s plate. I buy her whatever clothes I can afford, even if they aren’t to her taste. I take her to visit her parents as much as possible (they’re held in different facilities) and I do all of that on top of working and looking after my own children.

I told my sister that I was willing to look after her daughter for as long as she needs, but if anything like the card incident happens again, or if she continues to pick on my daughter, there will be serious consequences for her. My sister wanted to argue but they get limited time on the prison phone.

I think what I’m doing is right. I get that the kid is going through a tough time, and I’m doing everything I can to be there for her. But I can’t just tolerate bad behaviour or bullying, and I can’t afford to pay for her expensive clothing. The fact that she’s struggling to deal with what happened to her parents doesn’t change that.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

[Reddit User] −  NTA, obviously. But how are you supporting this child’s transition? Is she in therapy yet?

Sweeper1985 −  NTA. Your sister is at a whole new level of entitlement here. Her own choices have placed Amy in this situation, and it’s fallen on you to care for her. You have stepped up and it sounds like you’re doing a bang-up job.

Your responsibilities are to ensure that Amy is fed, clothed, housed, educated, and loved/supported. You’re doing all those things. Your responsibilities do *not* extend to buying Amy designer clothing, much less a dress that costs $1,000 if you are on a budget.

Amy is indeed going through a tough time but she needs to learn a couple of tough lessons. Namely, your income can’t cover the same lifestyle that her mother’s ill-gotten funds did, she is not owed designer clothes, using your credit card without your permission is absolutely stealing, and is not justified by “wanting one nice thing”.

Good for you for role-modelling some sane and reasonable values for this poor girl before she grows up to repeat all of her mother’s mistakes.

Flocceenaucee −  Am I harsh? Sit this kid down (15yo ffs) and give her a few home truths. Her previous lifestyle was funded by the criminal proceeds of her criminal parents who because of their crimes are now banged up.

Now either get a bit of character and learn to adapt with grace to your new circumstances n budget or go into care. She’s already showing criminal tenancies by taking your card w/out your consent. Her choice.

YTA for letting this Verucca Salt continue to abuse your kids doing untold damage to your (previously happy) kids and making them feel unsafe in their own home.

Edit: for the comments about counselling and Verucca’s loss – puhlease. This kid needs boundaries, and thses are the basics. Sure she can go to counselling and she has an incentive to take it on board. Sound like she needed counselling to be a decent human being even before her change of circumstances.

You don’t get to destroy my kid and get my sympathy. Edit: thank you so much for my very 1st award

CashieBashie −  NTA is your niece in therapy?

Tiamat_fire_and_ice −  NTA. I know you said that money is kind of tight but you need to shell out for one more expense: therapy for Amy. Maybe you can get someone to see her on a sliding scale proportionate to your income.

She’s bullying your daughter because she feels powerless and a younger child is the one person she can have power over. You’re a great aunt/uncle for going the distance.

A lot of people would have let Amy end up in foster care and not have thought twice about it. But, you *have* to get that girl professional help. As for your sister, her irresponsible behind doesn’t get a vote on anything after what she’s done.

So, she can stop whining to you about going easy on Amy. By the way, no 15 year-old needs a thousand dollar dress and you can tell her that I said so.

WorriedOrchid −  NAH — Amy isn’t a spoiled b**t, as some less than kind people have been commenting here. She’s a traumatized teen who’s just lost both her parents to the prison system and now has to adapt to a very, very different way of life and it’s an extreme adjustment for someone to do without her parents by her side and in a totally new home with a “sibling” when she was used to being the only child.

Yes, Amy’s behavior cannot continue this way and OP and Hannah do not deserve to be treated this way, but Amy also more than deserves compassion from us commenters. I read in the comments that OP is hopefully going to get Amy therapy and I think that will help her a ton.

Op is also n t a here for setting boundaries and limits with Amy, because she can’t afford Amy’s old life and she also is now responsible for teaching Amy how to live in the “real” world and she also will be responsible for showing Amy what a real family is like, one that doesn’t rely on illegal behavior.

arezoofr −  A $1000 dress is not a nice thing, it’s a crazy caprice. 15 yo is old enough to understand that she was spoiled with ill-acquired money, that this was illegal and can’t go on.

You are doing the right thing by saying no. The problem is how to “force” her change, and most of all, to stop her from bullying your kids. I really don’t know what you should DO. Is there some specialized educator you could get in touch with?

chocopie18 −  NTA. Did your sister ever explain to her daughter why her parents went to prison? It obviously had to do with having money they weren’t entitled to or it wouldn’t have been frozen.

When she visits them do you know if her parents are telling her this is no big deal, everything’s cool, we’ll be back on top again really soon and everything will be like it was?

If the daughter has not faced and isn’t facing what’s happening, that the money and lifestyle are gone and she better get right with you fast if she wants dinner and a roof over her head, this may need some sit downs between you and your sister to explain the way things are going to be.

“Your parents are in prison because they done wrong and took money that wasn’t theirs. It’s gone forever. You won’t get it from me and if you try to take it there will be consequences; look to your parents for reference.”

harry_jackson00 −  NTA. You are putting up your best effort. Amy is going through a lot, that doesn’t excuse her misbehaviour. You are an adult, and taking care of her, for free, even though you are not required too. You could have said no.

She shouldn’t get away with trying to use or card or bullying your daughter. Bullying is not forgivable. If Amy wants expensive stuff, tell her to get a job, she is 15, she can do part time and spend her own money on designer clothes.

And if your sister keeps wsking you to go easy on her, tell her to earn money herself, and send it to her daughter for spending. I am really proud of you for taking Amy into your care and giving her a good life.

Special-Parsnip9057 −  NTA. Firstly, the kid is old enough for a conversation. Have you talked to her about the situation- I.e- your parents weren’t wealthy on their own- they stole from others? So her inflated sense of wealth is no longer?

That you do not have that kind of money, and therefore she is going to have to deal with the current reality? That it is not at all acceptable that she steal from you or bully her younger cousin?

That there will be consequences for continued evidence of either? I’m sure this seems rather obvious, but given the shock she’s been through maybe she hasn’t fully processed all this.

And despite all of that, let her know that she is loved, which is why she has a place to live right now. And that, while it is unfortunate that she has been thrown into the mix of all this, it is what it is and she has to adjust to it.

She has a minimal amount of time to position herself well for future goals and success so she’d better get to work. She no longer has her parent’s wealth to rely on to maintain her previous lifestyle.

Secondly, you need to have a conversation with your sister. Not only is her daughter also paying for her crimes, but she did a job on her daughter.

She has thus far raised a selfish and entitled mean girl who sees nothing wrong in trying to steal from the only family who can take her in, and bully her younger cousin.  She is a product of their hubris and now this girl is set up badly for the life she will have to have.

She will have to grow up rather quickly and realize that while none of this is her fault, it is what it is. Her mom has to stop making excuses for her behavior and asking you to do so. It’s a really rotten situation for all.

However, allowing the kid to live in denial about her situation will not help her overall. Right now she has a roof over her head, food, clothes, and can see her parents. You will need to provide her a clear set of reasonable boundaries for her behavior and hold her accountable to them.

And, you need to tell your sister the same. This is the reality of the situation. She needs to inform her daughter that she is lucky to have a place to live with family, and has to pull it together and adjust to the new reality, because life will never be as it was again.

She is going to have to learn how to be successful on her own and in a legal way. She will likely need to grieve for the life she lost with her parents for a bit, but having those boundaries in place and holding her accountable will hopefully provide her the structure she needs to build a new life going forward.

In the meantime, depending where you live, most cities have counseling services available on a sliding scale basis so if you cannot afford much then it may be low to free cost for her to be able to access. She is going to need to work through some issues to process everything that has tossed her world upside down.

And, if the attempts at stealing or bullying continue, you will have to hold her accountable to that behavior. Which may mean calling police, or getting children’s services involved and re-homing if it gets that bad. I would call children’s services and see what your options are if this behavior escalated and she puts your family at risk.

You need to know what boundaries you can enforce. Hopefully she will come to the realization that while her life will never be as it was, she is lucky that she has a soft place to land and start over.

Is the guardian right to draw the line on expensive demands and enforce rules for the niece, or should they show more leniency given her difficult circumstances? How would you balance care, discipline, and financial responsibility in this situation? Share your thoughts below!