AITA for refusing to share my extra income with my wife when she didn’t share hers with me when she earned more?

A Reddit user shared a heated marital conflict over finances. When the couple first married, the wife insisted on keeping separate bank accounts, but now that the husband earns significantly more, she wants to revisit the arrangement.

He believes fairness means sticking to the original agreement, while she feels the dynamic has become unequal. Read the full story below to see if you think he’s in the right.

‘ AITA for refusing to share my extra income with my wife when she didn’t share hers with me when she earned more?’

When my wife \[32F\] and I \[32M\] got married eighht years ago, she made about 15K more per year than I did. Our agreement at that time was that we’d keep separate checking accounts plus a joint for household expenses, with the understanding that money left over after contributions to household expenses, savings, retirement, etc.

Would be put in the separate accounts and we could spend it how we wanted. My wife was the one who insisted on this, and although I was not a fan (wanted joint accounts for all funds), I agreed since she felt strongly about it.. ​

A few years after we married I decided to go to law school. Long story short, I ended up at a big law firm and now earn about four times what my wife does. Since I managed not to go into debt, I have a good bit of money left over after I make my contributions to our joint expenses.. ​

My wife asked me to reconsider this arrangement (she doesn’t feel like its fair that I get to buy most of the things I want while she is on a much more limited budget), and I told her I would not reconsider it since this is what she wanted originally. I think fair is fair since this was her idea, but I do wonder if I am wrong for refusing to reconsider our financial arrangement?. ​. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

wigglebuttbiscuits −  ESH. Is this tit-for-tat counting nickels really the way you want to approach your marriage? Get some couples therapy and talk this out. Talk about how you felt when she didn’t share with you and maybe she can share why it was important to her then but she feels differently now. Sounds like you both need to grow up.

BaggiraBaggy −  ESH. Seperate accounts are perfectly reasonable. My SO and I have seperate accounts, and combine what we need for bills / household expenses. There have been times over the years where he has earned more than me, and times where I have earned more than him. We hold each other up financially when needed.

You and your wife are just playing tit for tat. It was a stupid arrangement at the beginning, and a stupid arrangement now. You love each other right? So be kind to one another. Stop with the games.

notsociallyakward −  Okay, I gotta go with ESH. I had a coworker buddy of mine in a similar situation with his girlfriend to yours, when your wife made more. His job paid a lot less than hers and it just got to a point they were both living different lifestyles. So they eventually became more like roommates than partners.

Eventually they broke up, from his point of view it was because she couldn’t empathize with his feeling s**tty because he was barely surviving. With you two being married for years, isn’t it about time to stop the agreement altogether?

Is there any chance you’re not budging because you might be resentful that she thinks it’s okay to change it whenever she isn’t the top earner while you had to do it for years? OP, I’m not saying either of you are bad, im just saying it’s a s**tty situation and it’s that way because of all parties involved.. I hope everything works out

Bubbilility −  ESH. Honestly, who does this in a relationship? Shouldn’t it be about building each other up and being happy rather than who has more and getting one over the other person? Are you both really happy if this is a divide in your relationship. I’m sorry if this is judgmental but I’m just confused.

callie_cerulli −  I don’t want to go so far as to say youre an a**hole for sticking to the original agreement. But I definitely think it’s odd to make 4 times as much as a partner and still split expenses halfway

ThisSaskatoon −  INFO- did she financially support you while you were going through law school?

Whogetsthebed −  Wow. She was making a little bit more than you, (15,000 isn’t really a lot) and she wanted to keep some of it. And she partially supported you so you got some of it anyways.

And now you make FOUR times her income and won’t reconsider?? My boyfriend makes about 30 times what I make, (no joke) (I quit my job and now work part time while studying for grad school/a Fulbright) and he shares sooo much.

Even before when I was at a real job that paid relatively well we paid proportionately. We’ve always contributed the same percentage of our income to bills. That’s truly fair. I really can’t believe you’re being this selfish

EDIT no it’s not a sugar daddy situation. I’m mid twenties he’s 32. And I used to make around 75,000 before taxes before I quit my job and took a part time one to pursue more schooling. (After discussing it with him first)

Scottiegirl4 −  ESH. Your wife wasn’t great at suggesting this early on, but you don’t state what her reasoning was. Maybe you are prone to spending too much? Regardless, you two are married, and you love each other.

And you make 4 times as much. If you spend tons of money on fun things for yourself, it’s only going to breed resentment. And you will wind up with no wife. You two need some counseling.

lurker86753 −  I’m gonna say ESH. It seems pretty clear that she wanted to keep her money when she made more and is a bit of a h**ocrite for wanting to suddenly share now that you have more. That said, you’re talking about a lot more than $15k now and it seems pretty petty to play gotcha. More than an a**hole, though, I think you’ve been foolish.

You got married when you clearly weren’t on the same page about money and you still haven’t gotten on the same page after several years. Plus, dude, you went to law school. You have to know if she divorces you, she’s entitled to a cut of that money you’re earning. Marital property is marital property even if only your name is on the account.

_babz_ −  ESH – Dude, shes your wife. Does it really benefit you that much to have all that money to yourself knowing that it is hurting your relationship? Yes, her double standard is wrong and unhealthy for a relationship, but you seem to care way more about being right than being happy and having a happy relationship.

Do you think the husband is right to maintain the original financial arrangement, or is it time to adapt to their changed circumstances? Should fairness be about sticking to agreements or reevaluating them as life evolves?

Share your thoughts and join the discussion below!