AITA for refusing to recommend my boyfriend’s work after he wasn’t receptive to my feedback?
A 28M illustrator, specializing in children’s books, agreed to help his boyfriend (30M) transition into the same field by recommending him to contacts. After reviewing his boyfriend’s portfolio, he offered constructive criticism, noting the work resembled Quentin Blake’s style and needed more originality.
Though intended as helpful, the feedback hurt his boyfriend, who accused him of being overly critical. The illustrator decided not to recommend the work until it aligns with market standards, leading to tension, with his boyfriend feeling unsupported and saying he’ll manage on his own. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for refusing to recommend my boyfriend’s work after he wasn’t receptive to my feedback?’
Both my (28M) boyfriend (30M) and I are illustrators (fyi: we’re both men; sometimes I get misgendered by people that are speed reading). I work with children’s books and get assignments from different publishing companies,
and he has done mostly corporate work but is interested in shifting towards children’s literature as well. So I agreed to recommend his work to some of my contacts, as soon as he prepares a portfolio that’s more fitting to the market’s demands.
He sent me some stuff he’s working on and I tried to give him some honest feedback. One of the things I said is that his work looks a bit derivative of Quentin Blake’s style (that’s the illustrator who worked in most of Roald Dahl’s book) and that he should keep practicing to showcase a more unique personality.
Despite telling my bf that this is part of the process – even mentioning that Tim Burton’s early illustrations were declined by publishers who found it too derivative of Dr Seuss -, he took the feedback very personally and I could tell he was a bit hurt.
I told him he must get used to it if he wants to build a career in this business, and if he likes his work as it is he can try to get his foot in the door through other means and maybe receive other opinions, but I will not be using my own network to recommend a professional that I don’t think is quite there.
He now told me to forget all about it and he will do it without my help. He makes it seem like I’m taking the “my way or no way” route. AITA for this?
See what others had to share with OP:
miggovortensens − Maybe you could connect your boyfriend with other freelance illustrators so he can get other feedback without blowing his chances with the publishing business? It’s hard when personal and professional relationships start to mix,
and it’s possible that your feedback hit him differently because it was coming from his boyfriend, who he was counting on to be supportive and not taking this as “work talk”. Either way, this is not a “my way or no way” situation like he’s suggesting – you’re entitled to be protective of your connections and your own career. You’re NTA.
alien_overlord_1001 − NTA. This is why I won’t give references for people I don’t think are up to the job. Your reputation is on the line as well – you recommend someone who is obviously copying the style of another artist, it makes you look amateurish.
Never mix business with pleasure – he is trying to leverage his relationship with you to help him make contacts professionally, and he is upset because you are treating this request as a professional one, not a personal one. As you are both in the same – I assume quite competitive – industry, the lines between professional and personal need to be very clear.
blottymary − His feelings may be hurt but you have to protect yourself and your business relationships. You’re a professional in a niche area and therefore have a good idea of what’s original and what isn’t. He should trust your judgment and maybe take a class or two to hone his skills and develop his own style.
You’ve given him constructive criticism and he can’t handle that. If he continues to use the same portfolio to try to get gigs, he will likely get rejected and slowly lose his confidence. He might be the type of person that needs to learn the hard way.
The other alternative is that he could get lucky and find another publisher that likes and will use his work. You’re trying to protect him and I think he’s sensitive and doesn’t see it that way. I think you did this for the right reasons and didn’t know the backlash that you’d get from him. At the end of the day it’s a him problem.. NTA
almalauha − NTA If you recommend someone whom you do not think is there yet based on your own professional experience in this field, it will reflect badly on you and your contacts in the future might no longer be open to you proposing artists to them. Might be best to not mix business with pleasure in this instance.
SuperPookypower − You’re clearly doing what you think will be most beneficial to him. It’s understandable that he is frustrated, but NTA.
Gold-Carpenter7616 − My boyfriend is a programmer. I used to be one before I became a project manager for IT. When he looked for a job, he was adamant to not take any feedback he asked me for. I was honest with him, as someone who is also a team lead,
and who does job interviews for our company, so I have some experience in what people are looking for. Nope, he wouldn’t listen to me. It felt like a stubborn toddler trying to wrestle me for his freedom to be stupid. I had to drop the rope there.
Decline any feedback, and told him he’ll figure it out on his own. He was glad that I stopped patronising him. Might have helped that my friends, who are programmers, said exactly the same as me. Side note: he’s from a different country, and he wasn’t aware how our job interview culture is different.
He got a job now, and he is happy with it. So it worked out. I need to let it go. Although I didn’t recommend him to certain companies with my name attached to it, because I wouldn’t want to risk my integrity with them, but I never told him, so…
EmilyAnne1170 − Illustrator here. Everyone’s style is derivative. The question is whether it’s derivative of something that’s out of style at the moment. If you’re telling him “I really don’t think this will sell” based on your expertise then that’s fair, but it’s still just your opinion.
But he should be getting feedback/advice from other people in the industry besides just you. What if he puts a lot of time into developing a new style that suits you, and it still doesn’t sell? You said that was one of the things. Is the real reason you don’t want to go out on a limb for him because of those other things?
McDuchess − ESH. Both of you are jumping to the getting hired phase and any ramifications that has, without going through the get plenty of feedback from those who know stage. You may be the only person he knows who is an illustrator for children’s literature.
But you are not, in fact, the only illustrator for children’s literature. Steer him toward professional groups that specialize in your area of art, and he can get feedback from people who are not emotionally tangled with him.
It’s just reality that negative feedback about one’s passion, no matter how carefully it’s couched, hurts more, and is more likely to be rejected because of that, from one’s SO.
WickedAngelLove − Personally I feel you could have worded this differently- you could easily say “I can’t make any promises but if something comes up that matches your style, I will recommend you” (I assume this is true- but if you wouldn’t recommend him at all then that’s another thing).
You already told him to keep working on developing his own style but to say “if you must then I won’t help you” is mean, even if true. But i will go with NAH because I do agree with him, you are saying “do it the way i think it best or no way” because that’s what you said- if you don’t change and you really want to do it, find someone else to help you.
Lovingly-ducky − NTA. Business is business and should not mix with other facets of your life. If you professionally don’t recommend him then don’t. Its on your partner that he took it personally.
Balancing honesty with support can be tricky in relationships. Was the illustrator fair in prioritizing professional standards, or should he have backed his boyfriend unconditionally? what do you think? share your thoughts below!