AITA for refusing to make calls to social services on my gf’s behalf?

A Reddit user seeks advice on whether they’re wrong for refusing to call social services on behalf of their girlfriend, who struggles with phone anxiety and executive dysfunction. Despite offering emotional support, the user draws the line at handling the situation entirely for her, leading to conflict. Was their response reasonable? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to make calls to social services on my gf’s behalf?’

My (30M) partner (29F) has phone anxiety and executive dysfunction. A lot of the time, I need to be on top of things like bills, coordinating repairs, etc. I’ve more or less accepted that. Without revealing where we live, she’s been unemployed for nearly two years and has been on social services payments this whole time. I’ve been (and still am) working full time.

She has a fair chunk of savings from when she did work and we currently live with my parents, so there aren’t many household expenses at the moment though obviously she doesn’t get much income. Recently, we went on a long vacation, and before doing so I told her that she should notify social services that she would be leaving the country, as they would have to pause her payments until she returns.

Four weeks into vacation she gets an international call from them which she missed, and a notification that she now owes them money. So obviously she didn’t do that. I kept my mouth shut since scolding her wouldn’t really do anything; just to get it sorted out when we returned.

Now, two weeks after we’re back, she comes in whole I’m working from home, saying she’s too anxious to call them and get it sorted out. I offer to be there on hold with her, since I still need to work. She says I could call them on my behalf when I’m on lunch break. I refuse, because these calls take a notoriously long time and would almost definitely eat into my work hours as well.

She’s now calling me s**fish and the AH for refusing. I asked after finishing work if she called; she hasn’t answered, just saying “why does it matter to you?”. AITA?

Additional context: I’m currently in therapy for various things. She’s on the spectrum and hasn’t been to therapy in years, despite me telling her to start again. She cites the cost (which is admittedly pretty expensive). I also have to pay for our couples therapy when we do that. The social services line is only open during typical work hours. My work isn’t always busy, but I do receive calls from clients out of the blue so it’s expected I’m at least present and ready to answer during work hours.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Competitive-Dish-343 −  Even if you wanted to call, they won’t talk to you about her payments. She needs to call and deal with this or they’ll garnish her future payments.

Fatty_Bombur −  Just what exactly does she bring to relationship? She doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute financially, won’t or can’t take care of things herself and won’t get the therapy she needs to ease the situation. NTA.

Slight-Book2296 −  You’re NTA. It’s not your job to babysit her. She’s an adult, and she needs to learn to handle her own stuff, even if it’s tough. Suggesting therapy again might help, but ultimately, it’s up to her to take the initiative.

daphuqijusee −  JFC, OP, forget this issue for a second – I’m worried for your safety!! What if you have some sort of medical emergency at home? Is she going to be ‘too anxious’ to call 911 to get you help? Will she just sit there crying while the life slowly fades from you and then sit at home with your rotting corpse in the living room because she’s ‘too frightened to call for help’? What if you guys have kids? OMFG, OP, this is a bigger issue than you realise… NTA.

A9J9B −  Info: is she in any way a partner to you? Because it sounds like you are basically paying for her, organising everything for her and you also get guilt-tripped if you don’t do what she wants. So you are basically a personal assistant who pays his boss and has a full-time second job (your actual job).

crypticninja99 −  NTA. The phone anxiety is tough, and it is sweet that you help her with it. But if you are saying that you can’t because you are working, that is it, she will have to do it or get help from someone else. Otherwise she turns into the a**hole for not caring that her stuff would be affecting your work! That is obviously not okay.

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  NTA This is her personal finance business that only she can inquire about. When it’s anything of a personal nature and privacy laws are present, she is the one who needs to call. She probably has social anxiety, as fear of using a phone is a very common symptom of that condition. But she needs to face her fears and call them to get this straightened out. Otherwise, they might stop her payments altogether and I doubt she wants that. She’s a big girl, and can handle it.

ApprehensiveBook4214 −  NTA.  Sounds like it’s time to pull back before this becomes enabling.  If she’s forced to deal with her responsibilities herself she may get motivated to go to therapy.

Accomplished_Two1611 −  I guess she either has to go down there or do the old fashion thing and write a letter documenting the issue, attaching verification from doctors about issues which inhibit her functioning.

Cosmicshimmer −  Aww, man. I’ve been her, I know that paralysing fear over picking up the phone knowing I’m the one that’s caused my own cycle of misery. That said, your approach of offering to be with her as moral support whilst SHE makes the call, was correct. What she wants is for you to enable her current anxieties which doesn’t help her at all, in fact it worsens the anxiety in the long run. NTA. You can’t do it all for her and you shouldn’t do it all for her.