AITA for refusing to look after the child of a parent who may need to go to hospital?

A Redditor and their family have been repeatedly asked to care for Elsie, the child of a single father, Gary, whom they barely know. While they initially agreed to help during emergencies, including hospitalizations, these arrangements have stretched the family’s limits—especially for the Redditor’s autistic daughter, who struggles with the disruption.

After caring for Elsie twice during Gary’s hospital stays (five days and ten days, respectively), Gary asked again, but the Redditor firmly refused, feeling it’s time for him to make alternative arrangements. The refusal has left the Redditor wondering if they are wrong for prioritizing their own family’s needs. For the full story, read below…

‘ AITA for refusing to look after the child of a parent who may need to go to hospital?’

I have 2 daughters in their early teens. The older one is autistic. A couple of years ago my younger daughter had a sleepover with 6 or so friends for her birthday. A few days later we had a request from the father (Gary) of one of these girls (Elsie) for her to stay over because he had to work a night shift. My wife and I were surprised by this as we didn’t know him and we wouldn’t want our kids staying with someone we didn’t know. We said yes though and she stayed.

Elsie and Gary then signed up for a weekly class that both my kids do. Since Gary doesn’t drive I give them a lift every week. This is the only interaction I have with Gary, I’m not not close with him at all.

Despite this he asked on a few more occasions (maybe 3 or 4) for Elsie to stay at our house. My daughter has grown away from being friends with Elsie over the past year or two and my older autistic daughter doesn’t like the i**asion of her space that having someone stay brings.

It also complicates work from home as we need our office setup as an extra bedroom. Our kids normally cycle to school but Elsie doesn’t have a bike so I need to drive them which is an inconvenience to me. Even so, we always agreed to have her to help Gary out as he’s a single parent and she was in need.

Recently though he has become ill and been admitted to hospital. He asked for her to stay with us while he was in and we agreed as he’s a single father and we felt sorry for him. We ended up having her her for 5 days, but we weren’t sure how long it would be initially. Gary knew he would need to go back in to hospital at some point but made no arrangements for Elsie and assumed she could stay with us again.

He ended up going back in earlier than expected and basically dumped her on us again. We felt we had no choice but to look after her. Again we had no ideas how long this would be for. It was ten days this time and we were all beyond our comfort zone with the situation, but my autistic daughter was really struggling with having a guest in the house for that long.

A few days after Gary got out of hospital he messaged us to say he might have to go in again and that she would like to stay with us again. This is where I may be the ah, I shut this down quickly and said that there is no way she can stay again. I feel bad because he is a single parent and claims he has no one else to turn to, but I feel that he has had plenty of time to sort out other arrangements and that I need to put my own children first. Her mother is alive but not an option for reasons that I don’t know about.

So AITA for not helping out a sick father in need for the sixth it seventh time?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  NTA. I had a similar problem with a neighbor girl. Her single Dad kept saying he was offered extra shifts and really needed the $. Turns out he was just getting high. Are you sure Gary is staying at the hospital?

Have you ever asked Gary where is mom? Where are grandparents? Does he have any family in the area? I guess his answer doesn’t really matter bc you’re done being the long term care provider. Saying there’s no way she can stay here was a bit harsh, but Gary doesn’t seem aware of social norms, so he probably didn’t notice.

Ok-Position7403 −  Hmm. If I were to say YTA it would be because he had no way of knowing this wasn’t working, and so he didn’t really have a way to sort out other arrangements. Because you could have told him when it became obvious he was relying solely on your family.  But, your family has done a lot to accommodate him so I can’t say you’re an AH in any way. Just shortsighted.

And I can’t say he’s an AH because he may be right he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to, and didn’t know that he should be looking. NAH. It would be very kind of you to point him towards other resources- the school, the teachers of the class the kids take together, the hospital-that may be able to help him find another option.

stophittingthyself −  NTA. He might be eligible for emergency foster care. A family friend of mine does this, takes in kids for short term care while parents are in hospital or otherwise too medically sick to look after them. If he hounds you about this, maybe direct him to the right people.

anon200006 −  YTA because you said in your comments that your next step is reporting this to CPS. that’s crazy considering you hadn’t even told Gary you’ve had an issue with this all these years. maybe you should try to let him get his situation figured out before you blow up his life while he’s in the hospital.

National_Pension_110 −  Aw man that’s so sad. NAH. You have been very generous to open your home to Elise and it sounds like Gary is doing progressively worse, health wise, so this isn’t going to end here. Question: when Elise stays with you, does she ever talk about any family or family friends? I understand Gary is a single parent, and Elise’s mom isn’t an option, but what about extended family on either side?

It could be they need to move to another town, but Gary needs to understand that you’re not Elise’s parents and he needs to find a long term solution. He hasn’t asked you—he drafted you into this role.I hope he can find alternative care for the long term, and sadly, it may mean a relocation.

Scroogey3 −  I have to say that YTA for letting this go on for so long without saying something to Gary. He had no way of knowing that you didn’t want to look after her starting back years ago, because you never said anything. He and Elsie may not even know that your daughter doesn’t want to be friends anymore.

You’re NTA for no longer wanting to be responsible for Elsie and asking Gary to make other arrangements but I cannot understand why you didn’t discuss that with him before the latest request.

um0rna −  INFO: did you express your feelings to Gary about Elsie staying at your house the first time it made you uncomfortable or did you wait to tell him that as he was on his way to the hospital (presumably a few months)?

FakeNordicAlien −  INFO: have you ever actually let Gary know that this is inconvenient for you, and that you won’t be able to help out indefinitely? Or have you always said you’re happy to have her, even when you’re gritting your teeth privately? I feel that he has had plenty of time to sort out other arrangements.

If this is the first he’s hearing about you not wanting Elsie there, then no, not really. *You’ve* had several years to consider how much he’s putting you out, but if you’ve never said anything to him, then this is new to him.
You’re not an AH for not being able to take on another kid part-time, especially when one of your kids has special needs. But you might be an AH if you’ve been publicly saying one thing and then privately seething that he’s not reading your mind and knowing that you mean the opposite.

One can argue that nobody should expect a non-family member to look after their kid when they’re in hospital, but that’s something that varies a lot from family to family and culture to culture. Where I grew up, it’s super-common to look after your kids’ friends when their parents need help, for whatever reason. It’s also fine *not* to, if you can’t or just don’t want to, but it’s common enough that nobody would get offended by being asked, or feel like they can’t say what they mean.

snarkness_monster −  NTA. You have been more than accommodating. You’ve helped him out numerous times by watching her despite the fact that you don’t really know him. It’s hard being a single parent, and I commend you for helping out this much to date. But, Gary has taken advantage of your kindness and generosity, and it’s time he made other arrangements.

Mrs_B- −  ESH. I say this because you have left this way too long. If I am reading this timeline correctly, it’s been at least a couple of years helping him out. He has come to rely on you because you have never said no. To draw that line when he’s clearly having a serious medical problem seems a bit cruel.

It’s odd that you ssy you don’t know him after all this time. I think he views his relationship with your family very differently. Not that I am saying you should agree to this last request, I just think you need to be more honest in the future.,