AITA for refusing to loan out my sitter?

A Reddit user shares a story about refusing to let their son’s sitter, Mike, work for a parent who previously expressed discomfort with male sitters. Despite the fact that Mike has been instrumental in helping their son with behavioral issues, Luke’s mom initially refused to allow Mike to supervise their sons’ playdate.

However, she later requested Mike’s services when she needed a sitter herself, leading the Reddit user to refuse, feeling it was hypocritical. Read the full story below to see how the situation unfolded.

‘ AITA for refusing to loan out my sitter?’

My ex and I share custody of our 9yo son Caleb. He had ODD and ADHD when he was 5. It was so bad that he got kicked out of summer camp and went through multiple sitters all before he was 6. His mom and I worked so being a SAHP wasn’t an option.

A few summers ago, we found our unicorn sitter- Mike. We have no idea Mike makes it work but he does. Caleb has been a different kid ever since Mike started working for us. He is so well-behaved, polite and social. Mike is like his best friend. We joke that Mike is Caleb’s executive assistant.

Earlier this year Caleb became friends with a classmate named Luke. They wanted a sleepover playdate and everything was good until we said that Mike would pick up both boys, bring them to my place, go to the pier and then back home to go to bed. Luke’s mom flat out said she wasn’t comfortable with a male sitter. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn’t.

She said it was too weird for a male to babysit and wasn’t cool with it. I said she didn’t need to explain herself and there would be no playdates with our kids outside of school. She wasn’t expecting that. I told her if she’s not okay with a male caregiver then she probably wouldn’t be okay with Luke spending the night at my place since I’m a single dad.

I pointed out that she was the first parent to have a problem with this and Mike occasionally works for other families at the school. She was offended that I was offended.

I ran into Luke’s mom who said she needed a sitter for a couple of weeks as her old sitter quit and the new sitter wasn’t free until mid-September. She then asked if Mike would be free. She even said she would need an overnight.

I said you can’t be serious. You said you didn’t trust Mike and now you want him to watch your son so you can have a social life? I admit that it took guts to ask.

I told her no, we will not share our nanny. You said that it was sus when a guy has a childcare job. She said she was joking and that Mike is a nice guy. I said I know he is but you can’t use him.

For the record, the days and times that she needed him are days where he is working for us. She would had paid him on top of what we pay but Mike would be at Luke’s house or his place. My ex and I don’t mind Mike double dipping on sitter fees by watching more than one kid because he can make a lot of money and Caleb gets a playdate. This was an exception where I did her a problem.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

laughinglovinglivid −  I’m not going as far as to call you TA here, because I know *why* you did it, but I think you should have given Mike the option to make this decision for himself – told him your concerns, her previous comments, and your thoughts on the subject, and let him decide for himself. He could need the money, or he could just want to prove one archaic person wrong, but either way, he deserves the choice.

Quiet_Clothes_4446 −  Ultimately i’t’s nor your place to make the decision for Milke, unless you have some contract signed where if wants to freelance a little he needs your permission. in that sense, YTA.

But, i understand your reservations. Let Mike know, and explain why you delayed telling him, but you have to let Mike decide. Withholding this from him and him finding out another way will not be good for your working relationship.

lilmisspandapants2 −  ESH. #campaigntoFreeMike

Old_Stress_3414 −  Everyone saying that you’re t ahole has OBVIOUSLY Never dealt with a false allegation or seen a friend deal with one.
I’ll never forget the shame, not even as a single dad, when I had to argue with cops at a splash park that I was watching my 4 YO Autistic son, and not “perving” because a Mom there called the cops on me.

THEY DREW THEIR GUNS ON ME IN A PUBLIC PARK INFRONT OF PEOPLE.
NTA, this woman is disgusting and can’t be trusted. You protected him like you should.

Nancy_Drew23 −  Not your call.

revengeofthebiscuit −  YTA because you can’t loan out humans, as you do not own other humans. This was Mike’s decision to make. Also is he a sitter or a nanny? Huge difference.

Stunning_Recipe_3361 −  Unpopular opinion but NTA. As a masculine nanny myself, there is a lot of discrimination against male or masculine caregivers. I would NEVER want to work with any parent that said something like that.

You saved Mike the trouble of having to deal with someone who probably wouldn’t have treated him well. If the family I work for approached me with this situation I would immediately decline because this woman clearly wouldn’t treat me with respect and would put me in at the very least a very uncomfortable situation.

I trust the families I work with to share my values and know when another family would actually be a good fit for me. Plus if it’s during times I’m already working for a family I like, I wouldn’t even think twice about saying no. All in all I think you did the right thing and saved everyone time and hassle. This wouldn’t have been a viable option for Mike.

PurpleMuskogee −  Soft YTA. I can see why you are reluctant, but shouldn’t Mike be the one deciding? You have just refused a work opportunity on his behalf.

vicariousgluten −  YTA. I’ve read you post and a few of your comments and my read on it is:
You’ve set the precedent with Mike that you don’t mind him double dipping because he makes more money and Caleb gets a play date.
Caleb and this kid want a play date and had been trying to have one.

So now you’ve decided to punish this woman you’re doing it by denying Mike the chance to earn more money and denying your son and his friend a play date.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  NTA. Gender Bias sux and this woman is awful.