AITA for refusing to let my mentally ill hoarder in-laws stay at my house indefinitely?

A Reddit user shared a difficult situation involving their mentally ill, hoarder in-laws whose house was condemned due to severe neglect. When their spouse wanted to bring the mother-in-law to stay indefinitely, the user refused, citing past behaviors and a lack of action to improve their living conditions. Read their story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to let my mentally ill hoarder in-laws stay at my house indefinitely?’

***Preface:***

My In Laws are in their 60’s. Hoarders. Unhealthy people. Not elderly. Saying: “Well, this is what happens when you get to be our age”. No it doesn’t. Eat healthy and take care of yourself.

They don’t cook, clean, their house is falling apart from n**lect ,n**lect their own hygiene, they reek of urine, and have two cats who urinate and defecate all over the house. Their doctors have passively made comments about the smell. They don’t ask for help or consider nursing homes. They seem to be there mentally, but are just gross..

***Incident 1:***

Winter of 2023, my FIL (+350 lbs) fell and he and my MIL could not get him back up. They called the fire department. FD saw the condition of the house, called the health department and said they had 14 days or so to fix some of the issues around the house before they would be forced to leave.

The humane society came and took their Two cats away (I also know they just feed their cats leftovers from the food they get delivered. IMO they should not have the poor things). There is mold, cat defecation, rot, and I would bet human excitement all around the house. My wife said there were trash bags filled to the brim everywhere.

They got the house taken care of just enough to meet code, and fell right back into it and now it’s worse. FIL recently beat cancer, but has some wounds/infections on his legs and they keep coming back. Not sure on the cause of the infections, but I am certain their hygiene and living environment is causing them to remain..

***Incident 2 (Today), & AITA:***

Today, my FIL fell again and it was a repeat of 2023. FD Called. Health department. The Humane society took the two cats away, again. They have done nothing to improve the house. I heard my MIL say “it’s only gotten worse” over the phone when talking to my wife earlier tonight. The health department has marked it with “red tape” or a “red flag” or something where the house is not permitted for entry at this time, I think is what I heard.

FIL’s leg infections had maggots growing on them. Yes, maggots. He was delirious from the fall and is being admitted to the hospital for a few days. Sounds like a minor kidney injury or something. MIL has been discharged. She does not own a cell phone, and all of her belongings are back at the house which I am not sure they can get in.

My wife is on her way to get my MIL and bring her back to our house. I said no. My wife and I both work from home. We do have the room. My wife said she will sleep in the guest bedroom, which doubles as my wife’s office.

I feel like in a 14 year husband and wife relationship in a house that we own together, my feelings and opinions should be valid, and we should come to an agreement. My in-laws knew in 2023 they had to do something, and they didn’t, and I do not want to be a shelter for that kind of behavior.. AITA for telling my wife “No, your MIL can’t stay here”

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

saintandvillian −  NTA but I would have been more explicit. They can live here or I can live here. Because I would have to leave a partner who forced their hoarder parents, particularly ones this bad, on me.

No_Philosopher_1870 −  NTA. DO NOT LET THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE. They will not leave. They will build a new hoard in your home starting the first day. Contact Adult Protective Services to get them help finding somewhere to live. Given their history, they might already have a caseworker at APS.

It will be very hard to get your wife to understand because hoarding has been so normalized for her. She’s probably taken a lot of crap from her parents with even the gentlest suggestion that they clean up. Hoarders value their stuff more than people, no matter how stained and ruined it is.

You say that you have the space, but they’d be occupying what is now a home office. Anything that is in the room that the inlaws occupy risks being destroyed. It is likely that you are vastly underestimating the amount of work that they will cause and the fights that will result as the result of their occupancy. The only way to avoid these problems is to not allow them to live in your home, not even overnight.

enchylatta −  NTA These people need a higher level of care than you are able to provide (or should have to provide). I don’t know where you live, but if it is the US, call you state DSHS office and speak to someone in Adult Protective Services. This couple sounds like they are gravely disabled.

You do not live in a situation like that without having mental illness. They need to be in residential care, at least initially. Perhaps they would be able to return home with supportive services after some time. I am amazed that the fire department and hospital staff have not initiated something with social services.

WhyAmIStillHere86 −  NTA. Is your wife also planning to do wound care, personal care, cook and clean for two extra people? Where does she plan on working when FIL is released from hospital? Where will he stay? Look, it’s very obvious these two can’t look after themselves. Call Adult protective services and look into care home options

AttemptNo5042 −  NTA. Any visitors/guests must be mutually agreed upon in advance. My estranged parents aren’t allowed on our property and neither is Monster-in-Law. My husband and I have agreed on this for years. Your wife needs to put the marriage first.

Bouche_Audi_Shyla −  Offer (if you can afford to) to help with a hotel. Long term hotels have lower rates. That will buy time to find them both a place. Assisted living may be a decent long-term option. Do not let them in your home. They will not stop the hoarding. At this point, it’s as much an addiction as drugs or alcohol.

My aunt and her husband were like this. He got angry at her one day, and threw a carton of eggs against the wall. My aunt refused to clean up the eggs, because Chaim had thrown them. By the time of the egg incident, I refused to go to their house for any reason.

My aunt got sick about five years after her husband died, and I went with my mom to drop medicine off. The egg mess was still there, FIVE years after Chaim died. My aunt saw nothing wrong with that. Do not let them stay with you, even temporarily!

Proper_Rush_9367 −  Put your foot down and say NO. Your MIL will never leave. She will be joined by your FIL in due course. Tell your wife to get them into a care facility or pay for a hotel etc.

SoSleepySue −  NTA, but you need to help your wife come up with another solution. These are her parents and she wants to help them – that isn’t going away.

So whether it is getting them into low income housing based on their income or putting them up in a hotel or finding an assisted living place for them to stay – you need to help her (wife) figure this out. Right now she’s probably panicking because mom has no place to and it’s logical that a daughter would take in her mom.

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA. These are people you don’t want in your house under any circumstances! Their difficulties are self-inflicted and only required an absolute minimum of care and work to prevent. They’re not going through a minor setback.

If they will do all this to a place they own, just imagine what they’ll do to a place means nothing to them. You will either end up as slaves to them or you’ll find your own place being condemned by the health department.

treehuggerfroglover −  NTA, but also try to understand where your wife is coming from. I don’t think she should be able to move her mother into your shared house without you also agreeing. But take a moment to put yourself in her shoes and consider the other options. No one wants to watch their mentally ill parents become homeless, no matter how much of a struggle it is to have them around.

Maybe if you let her really talk things out with you with zero judgement, just two partners trying to come to a solution, she would feel less like she doesn’t have any options. I don’t know your wife, but I’m willing to gamble and say having her mom move in isn’t her ideal first choice either.

Maybe you two can come up with a plan to get them in a home or somewhere they will really get the help they need. Whatever ends up happening I don’t think you or your wife are necessarily in the wrong and I hope you two can keep being a team in the face of this situation.

Do you think the user was justified in refusing to house their mother-in-law, given the circumstances, or should they have made an exception for family in crisis? How would you balance protecting your own home with supporting struggling in-laws? Share your thoughts below!