AITA for refusing to let my bf’s brother stay with us after we get married?

A woman (24F) is facing a difficult decision in her relationship with her boyfriend (25M) over his plan to have his younger brother (15M) live with them when they marry in 2-3 years. She agreed to let the brother stay during high school but expects him to move out once he turns 18 and attends college.

Her boyfriend insists the brother stay through college, causing tension as the brother has been disrespectful to her. Feeling hurt and disrespected, she proposed alternatives, but her boyfriend accused her of being unsupportive of his family. She is now considering ending the relationship due to their irreconcilable differences. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to let my bf’s brother stay with us after we get married?’

My (24F) bf (25M) and I have been together for 4 yrs, planning to marry in 2-3 yrs. His family lives overseas, and he’s been independent since a young age. Future plans have been coming up, including his wish for his bro(15m) to move here in 2-3 yrs, finish high school, and attend college while living with him.

We currently live separately and decided not to move in until marriage. Our relationship has generally been respectful and communicative, though the last year has been rocky, primarily due to family-related issues.

My issue is if we are planning to get married in 2-3 yrs and his bro comes to live with him then, that would mean that our married life would start off with 3 people in the family. I have told him that if his bro is coming here to finish hs and not an adult yet, then he can stay with us.

While this would make me somewhat uncomfortable to start my marriage in a house with my husband and his bro, I understand that his teenage bro would not be able to live by himself. However, my bf is persistent on having his bro stay with him, even after he starts college and FINISHES college.

To give a bit of context, I have spent time with his family to get to know them. His bro looks up to my bf a lot, has love and respect for him and would do ALMOST ANYTHING that my bf tells him to do. However, his attitude towards me is not the same.

He often is very disrespectful towards me, calls me names “jokingly”, or even treats me like I am not better than anyone in his family. Their family laughs it off saying that “he is just being a teenager”. Like I mentioned earlier, while I don’t have siblings, my cousins are the closest to me and some are around the same age as my bf’s bro.

They have never been rude to my bf; if there was a time where they have, I have made it clear that it was not okay. Therefore, I expect the same respect from my bf. I suggested that his bro can stay with us until he is 18. However, after his bro turns 18, he would have to move out.

This would be when he goes to college after hs. Furthermore, if my bf is worried about his bro, we can have him live next door, as long as it is not under the same roof, and I get my privacy in my own home. However, my bf did not like this idea.

We had a lot of arguments about this and my bf would not budge from this decision. At this point, I have told him that if after we get married, I cannot spend private time with my husband, then I would not be okay with continuing this relationship. My bf accused me of trying to keep his family away from him.

He went as far to tell me that because I am an only child, I never understood the value of family. I am just upset, feel disrespected, hurt and heartbroken. I have thought about this for a while,

and I have decided that if my bf and I are not on the same page about this, it would be best to breakup and go our separate ways. To this, my bf accused me of giving him an ultimatum.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA He often is very disrespectful towards me, calls me names “jokingly”. You’ve tried to compromize despite his behavior. At this point, I have told him that if after we get married, I cannot spend private time with my husband, then I would not be okay with continuing this relationship.

Which is entirely reasonable. I am just upset, feel disrespected, hurt and heartbroken…if my bf and I are not on the same page about this, it would be best to breakup and go our separate ways. Agree. I’m sorry but you deserve a lot better. You’ve been brave, honest & communicated your needs & feelings clearly.

To this, my bf accused me of giving him an ultimatum. And instead of meeting you halfway & prioritizing your relationship he’s polarized & offered nothing toward a solution. It’ll hurt but you’ll heal & when you’re ready hopefully you’ll meet someone who *will* prioritize & value you.. All the very best.

No_Roof_1910 −  OP, if you back down, I promise you that your hubby is gonna railroad you with his little bro and who knows who and what else in the years down the road.. This IS a hill to die on OP.

bamf1701 −  NTA. Even without the brother’s attitude towards you, it’s reasonable for you to want to have some privacy when you are newlyweds. Add to this the brother’s lack of respect, and you pretty much have an air-tight case.

the whole “he’s just being a teenager” or calling it “jokes” is a sign that the whole family has a level of disrespect towards you, otherwise they would require that he treat you respectfully. In the end, having someone live in your home (even a family member) is a “two yes,

one no” kind of thing – either one of you have a veto in this decision because it has such a big impact on your life. And you have made a huge compromise by saying that he can stay until he is 18. The fact that your fiancee is not willing to compromise in any way is not a good sign for the future.

ElleArr26 −  You absolutely should go your separate ways. NTA.

AnonAnontheAnony −  NTA – you even offered a few comprimises but no, you don’t have to be comfortable with people staying with you if you don’t want.
Family is family but your home is your home.

JJJones101 −  NTA. I believe your compromises were fair. Your boyfriend is only making things worse at each step of the way. Giving him an ultimatum is what you’re doing but it’s completely fair. You have set your boundary and it is his decision.

Ok_Stable7501 −  His family doesn’t respect you and your BF is cool with that. End. Of. NTA

blackwillow-99 −  NTA go your separate ways. For him to even go there shows his colors. Him allowing the disrespect from his younger sibling was always a problem m it’s not a teen thing dude is a j**k or probably sees you as an obstacle. Him living you guys with the attitude nope.

katcatm −  So you are 24 and have been together for 4 years which means you started dating at 20 and then you want to marry at 2-3 years which means 26-27. Are you sure the person that fit your criteria to date at 20 fits them to marry for the rest of your life?

Sounds to me your bf is not respectful towards you and tries to manipulate you into saying yes by accusing you. Also, keep in mind that your partner will ask you to do all sorts of things for his brother like cook for him, clean up after him etc.

do you want to take on all that extra work and basically “raise” someone who disrespects you already? And if that is his behaviour in front of his parents what will it be when no one is present?. NTA

_s1m0n_s3z −  They’ll agree to your plan, but if he moves in, he’s not going to move out when he turns 18. Everybody but you will want him to live with you, and the rest of the family will just ignore your objections. I’d tell your fiance that bro’s presence is a deal-breaker, and that you won’t consider marrying him under that condition. NTA.

Is she wrong for wanting boundaries in her future married life? Or is her boyfriend justified in prioritizing his brother’s needs? How do you balance personal boundaries with family obligations in a relationship? Share your perspective below!