AITA for refusing to learn my boyfriend’s parents’ language?

A Reddit user shares a tense situation with their boyfriend, who asked them to learn Polish to communicate with his family during a holiday visit. Despite their willingness to pick up basic phrases, they felt his request to become conversational in just two weeks was unrealistic, especially with their demanding work schedule and ongoing language studies. The disagreement escalated, leaving them questioning if they’re being disrespectful or simply practical. Read the story below!

‘ AITA for refusing to learn my boyfriend’s parents’ language?’

I (27f) have been dating my boyfriend (29m) for a little over a year. We met through mutual friends and immediately hit it off. To this point, our relationship has been nothing but great, except for this one story.

My boyfriend was born in Poland and both of his parents are Polish, but he went to international schools growing up and has been living in the US for the past 8 years. That means that he speaks english like a native speaker, and only speaks polish around his parents or other family members.

I have never met his parents because they still live in Poland and I work a very demanding job so we never really had time to go visit them. But this year I got promoted, which also means more free days, so we will be going to Poland around Christmas and spend like 2-3 weeks there. Since we first decided on going I have been super excited to meet his family and discover the country he grew up in.

Here’s where we started to have a problem: my boyfriend asked if I could start learning polish before we go to Poland so that I could communicate with his family. I completely understand why he would ask and have no problem with the idea itself, however for multiple reasons this would be complicated for me, so I said no.

He got a bit confused and asked why so I explained. First of all, we are leaving for Poland on December 19th which is in two weeks so there’s no way I’ll have time to learn a language in two weeks, especially since polish is pretty difficult. Also, I currently have a lot of work to do before I can leave for the holidays so I have very little time to spare.

And lastly, I’ve been asked by my company to learn Italian for professional reasons, so I’m currently learning and I feel like starting a new language now would make it all tangled up in my head. So I told him that I could learn some simple words and phrases, but that there was no way I’d be able to communicate with his family members in polish in two weeks.

Also for context, both of his parents speak english pretty well, and some of his other family members too. And I suggested that he could translate for us if needed but he doesn’t want to.

He got angry at me and said that I was disrespectful to his family and I wasn’t making efforts to understand his culture. He went on a rant about how Americans never make efforts to speak other languages (I speak 3 languages fluently and am learning another one…).

He even told me that I should just stay here and not come with him for the holidays. I don’t know what to do. I can understand his point of view and try to make efforts but what he’s asking me is just not doable. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong here…

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Special_Respond7372 −  Based on the extra info I’m going with NTA. You’ve offered to start learning some of the phrases, and I’m sure eventually you could be fluent, but it sounds like he is expecting too much for the time frame. Info: is he expecting you to be fluent? Or just to learn some of the language

Right_Count −  NTA and why do I get the sense he’s intentionally bombing this trip? Like he’s not an i**ot, right? He knows you can’t learn a language in two weeks while also learning a different language during a busy work period. Especially when his parents speak English and you’ve only been dating a year.. It’s weird.

dryadduinath −  ….Even if you tried, even if you had nothing else to focus on, no italian and no job, I sincerely doubt you would be able to get more than basic phrases in the time you have.

They speak english. You speak english. You cannot become conversational in a whole new language in two weeks. IDK what kind of miracles he’s expecting of you, but he is, indeed, being unreasonable.

And speaking of “not trying hard enough” how about asking you sooner? How about trying to teach you. How about not springing this on you the same month he expects you to be conversing in polish. . NTA. 

hadMcDofordinner −  Time to reconsider going to visit Poland with him. And maybe. more. You are in the process of learning Italian for work, so Polish is not a priority. If he was so interested in you speaking Polish, he could have spent time during your relationship teaching. you the basics.

Lots of Europeans are anti-American, so don’t take his rant about that too seriously, he wanted to hurt you and insulting Americans came easy to him, Europeans do it like breathing. LOL. NTA You explained why it was not practical for you to learn Polish. now.

His reaction was childish and very revealing about how he sees you. He even forgot you speak several languages already, which meant that you are not the horrible stereotypical American he had renting space in his mind. LOL

LizMixsMoker −  Even if you wanted to, there’s NO WAY you can speak polish in two weeks. You really can’t do much more than learn a few phrases and maybe the numbers. Even the numbers 1-10 are gonna be a challenge for an English speaker.

Wiechu −  NTA and here’s why. Polish is a very difficult language both to pronounce and in terms of grammar. Since you’re a native English speaker there’s another problem – the cases (we have 7) which are a completely abstract/absurd concept for English speakers.

Well, it’s the same for any language that doesn’t have cases. (Allow me to skip explaining what they are). And I’m speaking from experience since my lovely GF is an Australian. Oh and we are not only aware of that, we’re smug about it.

There is zero chance you learn more than basic survival Polish in such short time. Maybe simple phrases like hello, thank you. Conversational Polish is difficult for foreigners who have lived in Poland for years in most cases.

I understand he’d love to be able to express himself in his language as well as his parents would love to have a conversation with you but again – this is unrealistic. Feel free to show my comment to him. Oh and as a side note, here’s a message in Polish to him

“Chłopie, nie ma szansy, żeby się dziewczyna nauczyła polskiego w 2 tygodnie. Spróbuj się nauczyć niemieckiego w tak krótkim czasie, to pogadamy” (Dude, no chance she can learn Polish in 2 weeks. Try to learn German in 2 weeks, then we’ll talk)

Edit: he is saying you’re being disrespectful to his family that speaks English? Given the whole context i see more red flags then during a parade in China and some g**lighting as well. How old is he, 16?

Edit 2: i am Polish born and raised and Polish is my primary language. I speak fluent English and German and understand a lot of Slavic/Balkan languages thanks to my interest in other languages. The one exception are the Czechs but this is because of a lot of misleading ‘false friends’ in our languages.

TomDoniphona −  I don’t believe your boyfriend expects you to learn Polish in two weeks… NTA for not wanting to start learning Polish right now, as you have not been together very long and the relationship may not last. It is a big commitment.

However, if you are serious about the relationship and in it for the long run, yes, you’ll want to learn his mother tongue, in any event, but specially if it is important for him.

Lyzab77 −  Can I say RED FLAG ? Who can ask someone to learn a language in only 2 weeks ? Did he learn englis in two weeks ? Your option is reasonnable. And for that first travel, you could buy an oral translator to help communication when people will talk to each other in polish in front of you.

Being with native will also help you to learn the language. But two weeks before the travel, by your own ? He is the one disrespectful towards you and the efforts you’re ready to make for his family. I also suppose that this travel means you don’t spend christmas with your own family so he should be grateful of your sacrifice ! He needs to apologize and you’re NTA

Hushes −  NTA. Does he usually go off like that and call you a typical American blah blah blah when you say no? If so, that’s a red flag. Congrats on the promotion.

LooksUnderLeaves −  The issue is not about learning Polish. The issue is his anger, his rant about Americans, specifically meant to insult YOU -a multilingual person- and more importantly his saying you shouldn’t go. Which is saying something about how much he values you as a person, IMHO Is he this difficult and intractable in other aspects of your relationship? Because this is over the top and a 🚩. NTA

Is the Redditor being inconsiderate by refusing to learn their boyfriend’s parents’ language, or is their reasoning justified given the time constraints? How would you balance a relationship and cultural expectations in this situation? Share your thoughts!