AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year?

A Reddit user, 30F, is feeling burned out after a disastrous Thanksgiving last year where her in-laws took all the food she cooked, leaving no leftovers. After the passing of her husband’s grandmother earlier this year, the user went above and beyond to support her mother-in-law during a difficult time.

However, despite her efforts, her mother-in-law has become standoffish. When her MIL asked about Thanksgiving this year, the user refused to host, citing exhaustion from her 50-hour work week and frustration over being taken for granted. The MIL cried, and now the user wonders if she was too harsh. Read the full story below to see if you agree with her decision.

‘ AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year?’

Last year, I (f30) and my darling husband (DH) (m30) hosted my in-laws for Thanksgiving. It was a disaster. I am a nurse and work nights, I was exhausted, I was late making dinner, my DH’s grandparents had to get fast food bc I took too long to cook.My mil was supposed to bring three sides but she ended up bringing one frozen meatloaf that was about six inches long to feed 9 people.

Essentially, she brought nothing to share, they came over and at the end of the night they packed up all of our food and took it with them. (We were under the impression they were putting the food in our fridge bc that’s what they said they were doing).

We had absolutely no leftovers. Earlier this year, my husband’s grandmother died after a 3 week hospital stay. I did everything I could to be there for mil. I brought food, showed up every other day to spend time with grandma, drove grandpa back and forth to visit.

When she passed I bought mil a dress for the funeral, I checked in on mil, Hubbie and I drove grandpa to the funeral. Ever since my mil has been standoff ish. I don’t know why, I’ve run myself ragged to take care of her. Her own children don’t check in on her as often as I do. (Or did).

A week ago she called me to ask about Thanksgiving dinner and I told her I wasn’t cooking. I was tired, I work a lot (50 hours a week) and I don’t appreciate people taking food they didn’t cook out of my kitchen.

She immediately started crying and telling me she lost her best friend, it’s the first holiday season without her mom, she’s sad, she’s lonely. I told her tough luck. I’m tired of being taken for granted. She called my DH who said he is staying out of it, but that now might not be the time for me to make a “grand statement”. AITA?

Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. A week ago she called me to ask about Thanksgiving dinner and I told her I wasn’t cooking. I was tired, I work a lot (50 hours a week) and I don’t appreciate people taking food they didn’t cook out of my kitchen. She immediately started crying and telling me she lost her best friend, it’s the first holiday season without her mom, she’s sad, she’s lonely.

I told her tough luck. I’m tired of being taken for granted. She called my DH who said he is staying out of it, but that now might not be the time for me to make a “grand statement” Now is definitely the time to make a stand. Make this your hill to die on OP. Make sure DH has your back against his e**itled acting mom.

East_Parking8340 −  They all seem to be takers, no giving or altruism in the whole bunch of them. I think you have bigger problems than the actual TG dinner. I’ll be honest, where was DH during all this? He could at least have put the bird in the oven while you were still at work or having a snooze and peeled and chopped the veggies (that part of prep is not rocket science).

DH shouldn‘t be staying out of it, he should be supporting you and keeping your MIL under control – she is his mother after all. He’s trying to stay neutral purely for his own benefit – doesn’t want to be in either protagonist’s bad books. His very silence, though, is actually supporting your MIL and egging her on.

It’s telling her that he isn’t against her position and attempts at emotional manipulation. His silence is telling you that he doesn’t care how much you work (or earn) and how tired you may be he will not assist you in any way, shape or form.

Did he contact his family to ask why they took everything last year? I’m guessing no. He didn’t tell them that their actions were ill mannered and could (petty as it sounds) equate to theft – you wouldn’t dine at a restaurant and then raid the kitchens for more free food to take home with you.

DH lets all this happen. Where was DH when grandma and grandpa needed him? Why wasn’t HE running around after his mother? Again HIS mother, HIS family. Why didn’t HE buy your MIL a dress?

I wonder if you have been coerced into providing other financial support to his family either directly or having to shoulder more than your fair share of the bills because he is? Is the dress the only thing (I suspect not).

You know, her car broke down, the roof is leaking or just that her income / pension doesn’t stretch as far as it needs to. If this hasn’t happened yet I suspect it will soon. Actually, I wonder whether you are the major or sole breadwinner full stop, why else could DH not buy the dress?

I believe you need to sit in quiet contemplation (and with as much emotional distance as you can muster) and consider what you would say if this was happening to your BFF. About the manipulation, the laziness, the demands, the easy thefts, the entitlement, the lack of support. Everything. You’re NTA but if you continue to let them all take advantage of you, you will be.. Edit for typo

OscillatingFox −  She called my DH who said he is staying out of it. There’s half of your problem. Tell him that from now on he manages his mother, he checks in on her, he takes her calls, and if he wants her to come for Thanksgiving he’s absolutely welcome to take charge of hosting. That means he plans the food and the schedule, does the shopping, and cleans the house if you’re going to cook.

The other half of the problem is, of course, you. Why are you doing all the work to host your husband’s family? If none of her kids check in on her, why is it your job? Why is it up to you to help with the hospital visits?

Frankly it sounds MIL is a s**fish person who’s raised s**fish kids and you need to take a big long step back and ask why you’re singlehandedly trying to fix a family that isn’t terribly nice.

MariKJa −  NTA – it’s time your husband manages his family. He can’t only be a bystander. Personally I would help out grandpa if needed and everything else is a DH problem.

Also your MIL couldn’t make the side dishes like it was discussed beforehand last year, never communicated about it and took your food with her home I assume without asking. She wouldn’t be much help this year either.

Jazzlike-Bird-3192 −  NTA. I’m sorry, but your DH…not so darling. Does he acknowledge everything you’ve done for his family? Does he see the way they treat you? Choosing to stay out of it is a wimpy, AH move on his part. Tell him to grow a backbone and deal with his family because you are sick of it.

wlfwrtr −  NTA Tell husband you’re not making a grand statement, you are doing the same as him and staying out of it. If he wants to host then he’s more than welcome to do the cooking and everything else that is needed for them. They have other children whose homes they can go to but you’re staying out of it.

curiouslycaty −  NTA. if your husband doesn’t want to make a grand statement it’s so nice of him to volunteer to cook the meal, clean the house and prepare everything.

_s1m0n_s3z −  Ignore the waterworks. You’re being manipulated. NTA.

Final_Figure_7150 −  She called my DH who said he is staying out of it.
He can’t stay out of it, she’s his mother. If he doesn’t have your back in this, you have as much of a husband problem as you have a MIL problem.. NTA

Dimgrund71 −  NTA. “Dear MIL. Of course you are welcomed at Thanksgiving or any time. Just know that I peraonally shamt be cooking this year. I am simply too tired. Please coordinate withnyour son / my husband and the rest of your children / family about who is to bring what foods. I look forward to sleeping in, waking to the smells of cooking, maybe coffee in bed, and enjoying eating the leftovers for a week.