AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a “Family Code of Conduct” contract?
A woman canceled hosting Thanksgiving after her sister tried to enforce a “Family Code of Conduct” contract, which included rules like assigned seating, a dress code, and banning overlapping conversations. The family is now upset with her decision, leaving her questioning if she overreacted or did the right thing. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after my sister handed out a “Family Code of Conduct” contract?’
This happened recently, and I’m still baffled. For context, I (32F) have hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my house five years ago. It’s always a little messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?
This year, my sister (29F) decided she wanted to “help bring some order” to the gathering. At first, I thought she just meant coordinating who would bring what dishes or helping with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of what she called a “Family Code of Conduct.”
She handed these out and insisted everyone read and sign them before attending Thanksgiving. Some highlights included:
* A rule against “overlapping conversations” at the dinner table, with suggestions for taking turns like “a respectful debate club.”
* A “ban on political or controversial topics,” with her as the final arbiter of what was too heated.
* A dress code of “smart casual” because “holiday photos should reflect well on the family.”
* Assigned seating that she claimed was based on “optimal personality compatibility.”
She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.
She doubled down, saying I was being ungrateful and stubborn. I canceled hosting, and now the family is mad at me. My mom thinks I should’ve just humored her for the day, while my brother (35M) is refusing to go anywhere unless “no one tries to draft a holiday constitution.” I’m torn. Was I wrong for standing my ground, or should I have let her run the day to keep the peace?
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
Excellent-Highway884 − Just host your brother lol. Tell everyone else that if they’re happy about a code of conduct they’re free to attend your sister’s house. However you will not be hosting.
Born-Horror-5049 − I’m with your brother. This would make me skip Thanksgiving all together. NTA. If she wants to be the Thanksgiving police she’s welcome to attempt this at her own house.
Sensitive_Note1139 − Simple fix- Tell her she’s welcome to not come to your house for Thanksgiving. Host the family members who are willing to come. Never do something to “keep the peace”. That just leads to more problems down the road.
When your parents get upset and say anything again, let them know they are welcome to go to your sister’s and live by her rules for the holiday. Thanksgiving is stressful enough without BS rules.. My MIL has only a couple rules:
1- Food will be on the table as soon as it’s done in the afternoon. If you can’t make it on time there will be leftovers.
2- No one may talk about religion or politics.
3- Little kids may have chicken nuggets if they want them.. These rules prevent drama.
TheVaneja − NTA she has a hell of an ego to think she has any business dictating how family dinner can go. I personally would have simply uninvited her unless or until she stepped down.
Cali_Holly − NTA. I will not be humoring someone who tries to create rules of conduct in my own damn home. And I stand by what I stated. IF sister wants to create this rules of conduct? Then yes. She can host. And I don’t know why you all are mad at me? Sister was the one trying to tell you all how you should act.
Hannah-King − You’re not wrong for standing your ground. Thanksgiving should be fun, not a corporate meeting with rules! It’s your house, your choice.
Kmia55 − Your mother wanting you to “humor her for the day,” is nothing more than your mother wanting her peace, not anyone else’s. It is the equivalent of saying, “Well, that’s just her personality,” which is BS. Your sister is being rude and your mother knows that, but doesn’t want to confront your sister herself. Actually, your post made me laugh. I’m thinking along the lines of you handled it like a boss. Still laughing. You did good.
MRSAMinor − My father did this for his 75th birthday. I was not to engage in conversation with more than two people at once. I was not to discuss any controversial topics such as gay rights in the Mormon church because he had one Mormon friend there. I was to be completely d**g and alcohol free.. I was to RSVP immediately.
I waited several months, and a few weeks before Dad’s party my cousin convinced me to just go along with it. My father said it no longer mattered that I agreed – I’d disrespected him by waiting. It’s a control thing. It doesn’t really matter where it comes from – it made me feel s**tty. And I don’t have any history of getting into fights with his guests.
It was just hand-wringing, but it was cowardly and s**tty of him to make up rules to make me feel like an outsider who can’t behave at parties. He ended up throwing his own sister out with my cousins in the middle of the party, and they no longer speak to him. He’s getting worse every year.
GarlicAndSapphire − I’m trying to think up some of my own bullet points for our Thanksgiving.
•no bra removal until after the main meal. Before dessert is fine.
•if you use the last of the cocktail sauce with the shrimp, *there’s more in the refrigerator just like every other da%n year, (Joe)*
•if you see a dog poop or pee on the floor, clean it up immediately.(Sarah)
•Ffs, Steve, turn the fuxking TV down.
•you do not get to have an opinion about champagne vs prosecco vs cava if you didn’t contribute (but are still drinking it, Katie)
ifdefmoose − NTA. Your sister sounds like a real control freak. But perhaps you can find a way to cancel her attempt to control the entire family without canceling your family’s Thanksgiving.. Good luck.
Was canceling Thanksgiving the best way to handle this situation, or should she have found a compromise to keep the peace? How would you respond if a family member introduced such rules for a holiday gathering? Share your thoughts below!