AITA for refusing to host in-laws for Christmas?’

A 26-year-old woman hosted her husband’s family (10 people in total) for Christmas last year after buying a new home. Despite everyone enjoying the visit, she found the experience exhausting and doesn’t want to make hosting a recurring tradition.

Her husband feels hosting family is central to Christmas and is already discussing plans to host again next year. While she suggested alternatives like having guests stay at a hotel or hosting less frequently, her husband insists they have the space and should embrace the tradition. She wonders if she’s wrong for refusing. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to host in-laws for Christmas?’

I’m 26(F) married happily to 30(M). We bought a 4bd, 3 bath house in 2023 close to Christmas and as a holiday gesture, my husband asked if we could host his entire family which includes -mum, dad, 2 sisters and their partners, 4 nephews – for Christmas.

They would stay 4/5 nights , spend Christmas and leave on Boxing Day. Relevant back story: None of them live in town and all live about 5-8 hours drive away from us in a remote town. In previous years, Christmas was hosted at his parents or grandma’s place with other extended family members(aunties and uncles).

2023 was the first time all the members of his family could be under one roof and celebrate.. I was strongly opposed because

1. I just didn’t want to host 10 people for 3 nights. I’m a huge introvert and don’t even want to be around my own family /friends that much.
2. I didn’t want to set a precedent and have it become an expectation going forward.

I grudgingly accepted as a one time thing and everyone seemed to have a blast. Adults had the rooms, kids slept on a pike in the den. I planned food menus, activities for all 3 days. Everyone pitched in and helped especially with the Christmas dinner and there were no major incidents.

However, I was still extremely relieved when they left. Fast forward to this year and we have been asked about our plans and if we can host this year but we both work Christmas Day. Although he’s told them ‘no’ for now , my husband is already insinuating to me he would like to host them for next year.

I’m putting my foot down because I’m not setting a precedent to house and host every alternate year. My husband is making me feel like I don’t understand the point of Christmas and it’s supposed to be with family even if it’s slightly inconvenient.

I have suggested everyone getting a hotel and just having Christmas Day gifts and dinner here but he feels we have the space to have everyone over. I would even be okay with maybe every 5-7 yrs but not every 2nd year but he wants it often so ‘it becomes a tradition ‘.

I know he’s not going to throw me under the bus and if I don’t agree, he’ll be the one to tell them no. I just don’t want to commit to something this big every other year.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  Offer every 4th year. Mum and Dad, Sis 1, sis 2 and then you again. It shares the burden, and honestly it is once every 4 years.

No_Philosopher_1870 −  INFO: What role does your husband take in the planning and hosting and cleaning up other than inviting people? If he expects you to to the vast majority of the work, that’s not fair to you.

AnotherPointlessName −  NAH. You have different experiences being around people and need to find a compromise. I understand why he wants to be around family during the holidays, and to make the most of it.

You don’t get the same immersive experience when you only have people over for one meal, it’s completely different from being able to strike up a casual conversation, lounge around playing cards, or have an impromptu outing. But I also understand why you want alone time.

Like you, I need a certain amount of solitude or I get stressed and short-tempered. Being around that many people for longer than a weekend would be extremely unpleasant for me. It seems like there are two reasonable options which can meet both of your needs.

One, the family gets a large rental property for the duration, where they can all interact unlike in a hotel. You and your husband can join, but you can go back home when you need personal space.

Two, they stay at your place, and you get yourself a nice room at a BnB and do your own thing, and return to the house when you want to join in an event. The first option is more expensive, and both will require presenting a united front against relatives who don’t understand that introverted is not the same as rude.

Furthermore, I wonder why you are the one who had to plan activities and menus, when he is the one who wants this. That’s the one thing that might have made me judge him to be the AH.

The person who wants this extremely time-consuming and exhausting event to happen gets to be the one to make it happen. The second option, of taking yourself out of the space, will force him to step into the role.

If he previously relied on your labor, there’s a very good chance that making him responsible for the mental load and only contributing as an assistant (e.g., performing specific tasks as requested and defined, like peeling carrots) will make him disinclined to want to host in the future, eliminating the issue.

PersimmonBasket −  NTA I think this is a personality introvert/extrovert or ‘way you grew up’ clash. Some families like big noisy Christmases, some people have quite smaller ones. I’m guessing your husband falls into the first camp.

I think once every second year is too much and you could compromise on one every three, one for his family, one for yours (or to free you up to travel) and one just by yourselves. Or maybe extend it out to other members of the family. I would be very wary of getting locked into an obligation this early.

If he sets up an every second year thing now, you will have much less flexibility in the future should you want to do different things with your time. Never say never, but have a proper conversation with him about this.

Traditional-Pen1029 −  NAH. As an introvert myself – I get it. But taking it turns is very reasonable especially if a christmas like that is what makes it special for your partner. He shouldn’t have to go without but it’s not unreasonable for you to dislike it. Alternating is the only solution. Unless you get him to include a christmas abroad option in the mix too.

WestLondonIsOursFFC −  NTA. But I don’t think he’s asking you to host anyone – he’s going to be doing everything himself. I mean, he must be willing to do so if he’s so adamant about it. Because if he isn’t willing, then it’s conversation over!

BigBigBigTree −  INFO: If you bought the house and hosted in 2022, and then you host again next year in 2025, how is it every alternate year?

Ambroisie_Cy −  My husband is making me feel like I don’t understand the point of Christmas and it’s supposed to be with family even if it’s slightly inconvenient. Yeah, that’s BS, because he doesn’t seem to take the mental load on his shoulder when his family is there.

He seem to rely on you for all the planning. From what you wrote: YOU planned food and YOU planned activities. It’s his family, receiving them for Christmas is important to him. I’d suggest he plans everything (Food and activities) and you can be there to support and help.

You will still probably be exhausting at the end, but not as much as having to entertain all those people by yourself!. NTA

Sensitive-Ask-9368 −  Simple solution, he invites, he entertains, cooks, cleans and plans everything. His circus, his monkeys.

Foreign_Plan_5256 −  NAH. Tell your husband you are willing to host every 3-4 years. If he really really really wants to host more often, you could stay in a hotel for the nights they are in town.

Come over to the house for a few hours each day. Let your husband do the cooking, entertaining, and cleaning, you get to introvert with books and movies in peace and quiet. 

Should she compromise for the sake of family traditions, or is it fair to set limits on hosting? What are your thoughts? Share below!