AITA for refusing to help my step sister with her house purchase and telling her and my step father that it’s because of how they treated me as a child?

A Reddit user (29F) shared their experience of refusing to help their stepsister (Amy) with a house deposit and confronting their stepfather about how they were treated growing up. The user explained that as children, they and their brother were financially neglected in favor of their stepfather’s biological children, leading to years of tension.

When asked to help with Amy’s house deposit, the user declined and referenced the unfair treatment from their childhood. The stepfather acknowledged his past mistakes, but the user maintained their decision. The user’s mother later told them they could have turned down the request without bringing up the past.

‘ AITA for refusing to help my step sister with her house purchase and telling her and my step father that it’s because of how they treated me as a child?’

I’m 29F. When I was about 10, my mom married my step father. I have an older brother Luke who was 15. My step father had Amy and Ada who were 12 and 11. We didn’t come from a privileged background, my mum was a min wage worker and my dad was absent. Our step father had a very good income.

Their deal was that they wouldn’t combine finances, and they would each contribute equally to the household, and then each takes care of their children with their spare money. So my mum never had anything for us, and my step father was spending big on his kids.

This included holidays which Luke and I were excluded from (step father would pay for mum, but not us). Luke and I also shared a room even though Amy and Ada had their own rooms and we had a guest room, because step father insisted that he was paying more towards the house so my mum’s share would only get her one room for the kids.

Luke and I were constantly teased for this situation by the three of them as we grew up. My mum always said that we should be thankful because if it wasn’t for our step father we would not be living in a nice home in a good neighborhood.

Anyway, Luke and I became determined to be able to take care of ourselves so that we wouldn’t need to take nonsense from anyone. We have both done quite well with our careers and finances and we are in a very good place. Since turning 18 and moving out my relationship with the three of them has been very limited.

I wouldn’t call us friends, but we can exist peacefully if we are in the same place. I visited my mum recently and my step father mentioned that Amy wants to buy a house now that she’s pregnant. He asked me if I’m able to help out a little with the deposit. The house is £500k and she needs a £150k deposit. She has £100k so far.

£25k on her own, £25k from her mum and £50k from step father. He was asking if Luke and I can help cover the extra £50k and he said he’d pay us back as part of the inheritance eventually. I said no. He insisted that Luke and I both own our houses outright and with our incomes so we should be able to help.

I said whether I can or not is irrelevant, my answer is no. He reminded me that Luke and I each gave £10k to our cousin for buying a house as a gift, Amy is my sister and he’s offering to pay us back. I said that was our choice then, this is my choice now.

He insisted that we should be willing to help out our family if we’re able to, I replied back “like how you helped me and Luke when we were kids?” Everyone just went quiet when I said this. After a while, he said if we went back in time he’d have done things differently, treated all four of us equally.

I said that’s good of you but doesn’t make you entitled to my money now. He said he knows he’s not entitled, that’s why he’s asking and promising to pay it back, I said the answer still is no, not entitled to a loan either.

My mum later told me I could have turned him down without being an a**hole or bringing up childhood which he already feels guilty about. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Alarming_Work4005 −  Absolutely NTA. And I think you did turned him down without bringing up your childhood, but he kept pressuring you, so it’s totally understandable that you told the truth.

maroongrad −  NTA. He needs to know how badly he screwed up. And he didn’t do anything to try and make up for it either, did he? Nope. Not until he wanted YOUR money for HIS kid that bullied you. Nope. Not a cent…unless you get a loan, notarized, for a freakin’ ridiculous amount of interest.

AlannaAdvice −  NTA but your mom! Wow! I could never stay married to someone who treated my kids with such disparity and teased you about it on top of it. Sounds like your mom was invited to things and your stepfather did pay for her – how did that work? Did your mom actually take him up on it and do things without you? Cause if so, you’re a saint for being in contact with your mom at all.

MeasurementNovel8907 −  NTA. He made the rules, he has no right to complain about you living by them. He could have chosen to help you out at any time, and she’s frankly already been given more for the house than most people ever get from their family.

jimmap −  NTA. Step dad is though. He uses the classic “I would have done it different if I could go back in time”. What a pathetic excuse.

dw3991 −  NTA- your step dad was more than happy to see you and your brother at a financial disadvantage when you were younger and making sure you were excluded. Now that it is his daughter who is at a disadvantage, he is insisting that you should help family out? Don’t cave, don’t give him a penny!

Edit for clarity: 75k is not a disadvantage but certainly isn’t the home she wants.

JWS2253 −  NTA but you are a badass

Why_Teach −  NTA— You did not bring up the “childhood stuff” — he did when he claimed you owed help to your “sisters.” You don’t need to bring it up gratuitously, but any reference to a relationship where you and your brother were second-class citizens and didn’t get to share in the full “family” experience, makes it okay for you to point out that you weren’t treated like “family” so why should you feel like “family” now?

Congratulations to you and Luke on “making” it. “Living well is the best revenge.”

Aunt_Anne −  NTA…pay you n back eventually with your inheritance? Sorry, that’s not a pay back.

An_Acetic_Alpaca −  . . .bringing up childhood which he already feels guilty about And yet he not only didn’t apologize, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. NTA.