AITA for refusing to help my siblings with my estranged mother’s end of life care?

A 27-year-old man, estranged from his terminally ill mother since the age of 15, refuses to assist with her end-of-life care. His mother mistreated all her children, but he believes he suffered the worst, as she resented him for resembling their father.

After being left homeless, he cut contact completely, while his younger siblings (23F, 22M, 20F) continued living with her, claiming she improved after he left. Although he maintains limited communication with his siblings, they’ve minimized the abuse he endured, leaving their relationship strained.

Now that their mother has about a year left and requires more care than they can provide, they’re pressuring him to help. He insists he owes her nothing, especially given the trauma she inflicted. Even when a social worker reached out at their request, he reaffirmed that he wouldn’t get involved. His siblings think he’s heartless and have repeatedly argued that he should step up, leaving him feeling isolated. read the original story below…

‘AITA for refusing to help my siblings with my estranged mother’s end of life care?’

My mother, who I have been estranged from my entire adult life and since the age of 15, is terminally ill. She wasn’t a great mother to any of her kids. There’s me (27M) and my sisters (23F, 20F) and my brother (22M).

But in saying that she treated me the worst and left me homeless at the age of 15 because I looked the most like our father, who she hated with every fiber of her being, and don’t ask me why she had four kids with him I have no idea. I went entirely no contact from that point on. My siblings still lived with her and according to them she got better once I was gone.

My siblings have always downplayed how bad it was for me and how bad she treated me. So while I still talk to them I am not close to them and I don’t know if there’s a future where that will ever happen.

Which is why I refused to help them with her end of life care now that she’s terminally ill. They say she has about a year left and needs a lot more help than they can cover. I told them it was not my job to make sure she goes out of this world in comfort and peace.

They told me she’s still our mother and I told them she was the fucking worst mother. That I would not shed a tear over her and I felt not one single ounce of obligation to her. They tried the “do it for us” angle and I told them they have minimized the stuff she did to me even though they said she got a little better once I was gone.

So they know she hated me to her core. They told me I’m still her son, still their brother and I’m the oldest. I even got a call from her adult social worker who had been told to contact me by my siblings. She wanted to go over my mother’s care with me.

I explained I would not be taking part in the end of life care for my mother, which surprised her but she left it alone. My siblings think I’m a monster and they say I should be willing to do something. This has turned into a fight three times already. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

fleabag52 −  NTA. I can sooo relate to this. You owe neither her nor your siblings anything. If you wanted to try contacting your mother and see if there is any slightest amount of true remorse for the way she treated you, that \*may\* be worth considering, because once she’s gone there’s zero chance of any kind of resolution.

but at the same time, if she’s anything like mine was, she’ll never admit to anything she did or being wrong in any way, in which case, carry on living your life apart from her – that’s apparently what she wanted anyway.

WorldlyTowel246 −  NTA. You’re making yourself a priority which it sounds like your mother never did. If things truly got better she had and still has every opportunity to try and make things right.

AsparagusWTweak −  NTA. Not even a little bit. Your mother is the monster. Tell your siblings you’re willing to show her the same compassion she showed you when she made you homeless at fifteen. I’d imagine it would be hard to feel like a son to a person who acted nothing like a mother towards you.

Your siblings don’t get to tell you what your obligations are. It’s their business if they want to overlook her appalling actions. And the fact they’re saying that she got better after you were kicked out? Whoop-de-f**king-do. 

DinaFelice −  “You know my answer about being involved in her care. I’m not changing my mind, so there is no point in continuing to discuss it. Now, is there anything else you wished to talk about or should I hang up for now?” NTA for refusing to help, and NTA for being done with trying to explain.

You’ve given them your reasons, and your siblings are refusing to hear you, which means they have absolutely forfeited the right to have further discussions with you. They could learn something from the social worker: she didn’t need to understand or accept your reasoning in order to respect that you have the right to make that decision

GarbageImpressive505 −  NTA-I’ve said to my father that if my mother was on her deathbed I wouldn’t visit and I wouldn’t cry at her funeral, and don’t bother inviting me.What  your mother did to you and the abuse she put you through is inexcusable and only YOU can decide, now that you’re a fully functioning adult, how much effort to put into the relationship SHE ruined.

How sad that the person who created you and gave you life, had one basic job of loving you, and messed it up so badly. Sending you strength my friend.

SL8Rgirl −  NTA. She left you alone in the world at 15. You were still a child. You owe her nothing. She couldn’t even do the barest of minimums as a parent. She can rot in a g**ter. Blood doesn’t mean anything when it comes to people like her. Animals take better care of their young.

Serpent67 −  Not your prob, don’t let them guilt you. Just trying to manipulate from a monetary standpoint so it’s cheaper for them.

New-Comment2668 −  NTA. At any point and time did your mother reach out to you and genuinely apologize for her abuse to you? Did she make any effort to make amends for kicking you out and forcing you to live on the streets? I sincerely doubt it. Giving birth to a child does not entitle her to your time, effort or emotions.

Your siblings are being incredibly e**itled and s**fish to expect you to be the bigger person and help them take care of her. She does not get to abuse you and kick you out and then have you help her. Your siblings’ refusal to admit your mother’s cruelty does them no credit. Ask them if they want you to treat your mother the way she treated you.

perpetuallyxhausted −  NTA cause any familial “obligation” they try to push on you can easily be turned around on her/them. “She’s your mother” So? She was still your mother when she kicked you out and left you homeless at 15. Tell them you will match the amount of care she put into you after you turned 18.