AITA for refusing to go to Thanksgiving because of my mom’s boyfriend?

A Redditor (17F) explains her rocky relationship with her mom (56F), shaped by a history of trauma caused by an emotionally abusive stepdad. After her mom started dating a new boyfriend, Mike, she feels uneasy due to his overbearing behavior and her unresolved feelings about “father figures.”

With Thanksgiving around the corner, her mom and Mike are hosting, but she wants to spend the holiday with her brother Max (35M) and his family instead. Her mom accuses her of being selfish and disrespectful, leaving her wondering if she’s in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to go to Thanksgiving because of my mom’s boyfriend?’

My mom Lisa (56F) and I (17F) have a rocky relationship. I’m close with my older brothers, Max (35M) and Alex (30M), but we have different dads. My parents divorced when I was 3, and I’ve never had a stable father figure. My mom remarried when I was 4 to a man who was emotionally a**sive and caused me a lot of trauma. They divorced three years ago, which was a huge relief for me.

A few months ago, my mom started dating again. Her first boyfriend, Bobby, was nice, but she broke it off quickly, saying she “never really liked him.” Then she started dating her current boyfriend, Mike, about two months ago. The first time I met him, he handed me the keys to my first car—a car I paid $2,000 for, with the rest from my mom and grandma. It felt weird and awkward, like he was trying to act like a dad.

Mike didn’t make a good impression on my family either. At Max’s recent 35th birthday brunch, Mike spent the whole time talking about himself and his kids, ignoring Max entirely. My mom spends most of her time at Mike’s house now, leaving me to cook and grocery shop for myself.

I’ve told her I’m not ready to get to know him because of my trauma from past “father figures,” but she calls me selfish, even though I’ve been in therapy since I was 8. Now, my mom and Mike are hosting Thanksgiving, but Max and his family aren’t coming because they don’t like Mike.

I told my mom I’d rather spend the day with Max and his kids, and she accused me of being selfish and disrespectful. I’ve always wanted a good stable family and spending Thanksgiving with a man I barely know and his children is not my ideal scenario. Especially after spending everything Thanksgiving as a child with my crappy stepdad.. So, AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Prize-Bumblebee-2192 −  NTA. You need to take care of yourself. It’s your mom who is the selfish one. Doesn’t care to even ask you talk about how things could change or how to make you more comfortable. Just me, me, me – it’s *my* thanksgiving. It’s *YOUR THANKSGIVING* too. Do what you need to do and be with the family you want to be with.

Nikosma −  NTA – Your mom clearly is trying to fulfil some emptiness inside her by chasing after a partner. That doesn’t mean you have to be there. You are almost 18 at this point anyway. I would go to my brother’s and spend Thanksgiving with people who love and support me.

BTW – A gift doesn’t cost anything….so unless he’s giving you cash back for that car, you bought it fair and square. I say this incase him or your mom starts guilting you for nonsense.

bamf1701 −  NTA. You have every reason to be cautious about your mom’s new boyfriends. It seems not only does she not have good judgment, but she has failed to put her kids above her own desires. You are not the one being selfish and disrespectful.

dryadduinath −  NTA. Ask your brother if you can attend, it sounds like it could be a great time (and maybe the start of a great tradition? Who can say) and it also sounds like this is a relationship you should focus on nurturing. Your mom can talk, but you are not the one being selfish. Deciding to host with her bf of two months rather than her children is short sighted at best. 

fiestafan73 −  Your mom is only considering her wants and needs, and not yours at all. I’m surprised she would even notice that you aren’t there if you choose to go somewhere else. NTA, please try to spend the holiday with your brother without any feelings of guilt.

Sonsangnim −  NTA You received 2 invitations and you chose the one you want to accept. You don’t owe Mike anything. Go in peace

rexmaster2 −  I hope the car is in your name only. If its not, you might want to remedy that.

chooseausernameplse −  NTA. Your egg donor is the selfish one. She prioritizes her bed partners over you, and she definitely has a type. You have suffered enough under her “mothering”. Go to your brother’s and actually enjoy Thanksgiving.

Various-Cup-9141 −  NTA. Your mom prioritizes her happiness over yours, and she expects you to prioritize her happiness over yours. Yeah, don’t let her do that. Go and live your best life without her.. She’s a selfish woman.

ReliefEmotional2639 −  NTA. She put your a**sive stepfather over you and now she’s complaining that you’re cautious? Unbelievable. Your egg donor is full of it

Is the user justified in wanting to spend Thanksgiving with her brother’s family instead of her mom and her new boyfriend? How would you navigate a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!