AITA For refusing to go to my brother’s wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?

A Redditor shares her frustration after learning that her brother plans to include her ex-husband in his wedding party. Despite the couple’s history of a toxic marriage and five years of no contact, her brother still wants her ex as a groomsman. Now, the user is torn between attending the wedding and maintaining her boundaries. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA For refusing to go to my brother’s wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?’

My brother (29M) got engaged to his fiance (28F) this summer. They are planning on getting married next spring/early summer. They have been working on putting their wedding party together and they did a video call with me (32F) a couple weeks ago to ask me to be a bridesmaid.

I of course agreed because I love them both and I am very happy for them. However, during the call, and after I had already agreed to be a bridesmaid, my brother dropped a bomb on me.

He said that he hopes this doesn’t cause any issues, but he wants to ask my ex-husband (30M) to be one of his groomsmen. My initial reaction was not the best, I basically said “What? Why? Are you serious? WTF?”

For some history, my ex and I were high school sweethearts and married young. We were both 23 when we married and were divorced by the time we turned 25.

No infidelity or abu$e of any kind, just a t**ic relationship we were too young to recognize properly and eventually we got to a point in our marriage where we just hated each other. Thankfully, we never had kids and we were too young to have many assets, so the divorce was easy since neither of us wanted anything to do with the other.

I moved away, got a new job, and started a new life. My ex stayed in our hometown (where my brother currently lives). I haven’t spoken to my ex in almost 5 years. Obviously, my brother has known my ex for a long time and they were always close.

Apparently, they remained close friends after the divorce even though my brother never mentioned it to me. My brother told me that he understands this might be a bit awkward, but it’s just for one day and it’s not like my ex and I are going to have to walk down the aisle together.

He said they will try to do whatever they can to keep distance between us if needed, but that both me and my ex are very important people to him and he wants both of us involved in his wedding. I know a lot of people will probably call me petty and immature, but I want nothing to do with my ex.

There’s a reason I haven’t spoken to him in so long, I have no desire to speak to him. Let alone be in the same wedding party as him. There’s going to be a lot of wedding party activities that are going to involve being in close proximity to him for extended periods of time. I want nothing to do with that.

I explained all of this to my brother and told him that if he’s going to keep my ex as a groomsman, I don’t think I can be a bridesmaid and I might have to reconsider even attending the wedding.

This led to a big of back and forth with my brother trying to bargain with me and convince me that it won’t be that big of an issue, and me pretty much telling him this is non-negotiable for me.

Since that conversation, I have been contacted by our other sister (26) and my mom pretty much telling me to grow up and that I’m being petty and immature and that I can handle being in the same general area as my ex for a short period of time to support my brother.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

baka-tari −  It’s his day, your brother can invite whoever he wants to participate. But you don’t have to accept the invitation. Everyone likes to crow that line about “blood is thicker than water” so maybe your brother could consider who’s most important to him at his wedding.

NTA for choosing not to go if your ex is there, and your family is definitely the A H for failing to understand your position and badger you about it.. Edit to eta: never mind

Samael13 −  YTA – I mean, look… it’s your *brother’s wedding*. You obviously don’t *have* to go, but if you don’t, you’re basically giving your brother the finger. You knew that your brother was close to this person before you got together, so it shouldn’t actually be that big of a surprise that they’re still close, even though the two of you split.

There wasn’t any abuse or cheating, just two people who weren’t good for each other. I’m with your family; this feels petty. I’ve been at weddings with my ex. You haven’t spoken in five years, so just *keep not speaking to each other.* If he tries to talk, just move along and ignore that he’s there.

screamqueen57 −  Unless there is some information missing, soft YTA. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in the wedding and have to engage with your ex, but refusing to go, period, is a pretty hard/seemingly petty line to draw, especially if, by your own admission, you both decided to end your marriage and walk away.

I think it’s important to recognize that your ex seems to have no issue being in a wedding with you and seems fine staying in his lane, so while the rest of your family shouldn’t be bothering you, you have to realize that in comparison to him, you do look petty and immature, because you’re unwilling to put past grudges behind you for one day to support someone you supposedly love.

It sounds like the real reason you’re upset has nothing to do with the fact your ex will be there; it’s that your brother remained friends with your ex. And it’s understandable to be upset that it feels like someone you loved didn’t take your side; however, you need to have an honest conversation with your brother.

You need to actually communicate that it hurts that he was just able to overlook everything that led to the end of your marriage and stay friends with your ex. Your feelings are not invalid, but if you love your brother and want to maintain a relationship with him, you need to talk with him about the real reason you’re upset, and figure out a way to move forward.

azzybirwin −  Ooooo tough one. Alright, I married my sister and BIL’s best friend. It was awesome and then we got divorced (blah blah long story) Never once did I expect my family to stop talking to him, inviting him to things, etc. We had all known him our whole life. He had been at family events, etc

Now I don’t know what your situation is or if there is more to this break up you aren’t willing to communicate over Reddit. But, like many people have said, either you move on and move forward or you stay stuck. I don’t think you’re the a**hole, but I think you’re being one to your brother for placing your feelings over his wedding.

Clearly your ex is an important person to him as are you. If him being present at the wedding disturbs you that much, there’s clearly something you aren’t saying here and need to privately discuss with your brother. Otherwise you’re holding a grudge and that gets you nowhere

FuzzyMom2005 −  YTA. This is an immature reason. You said yourself the marriage ended because you two were just not ready for marriage. You can’t walk 20 feet next to a man there was no problem with?

poeadam −  YTA. It would be one thing if your ex had been a**sive. But you stated that isn’t the case. In my mind, if you love your brother you will s**k it up to be in the same room as the guy for one day.

HeirOfRavenclaw −  I mean you kinda are being petty and immature.. I’ve gotta go with YTA.

No-Lettuce-1845 −  YTA. You say yourself that the relationship with your ex was only t**ic. Grow up and get some mental boundaries. If after 5 years your ex can make you want to jeopardize your relationship with your family, you seriously are living in the past. Let it go, show him how little he means to you.

HazyLazySummer −  NAH. He invites whoever he wants and you have every right to refuse the invitation. And those that are badgering you need to mind their own business.

Middle_Advisor_5979 −  I know a lot of people will probably call me petty and immature. Well! Thanks for making this easy! YTA. Yes, it’s going to be tough, but nobody is asking you to be friendly or to socialize with him. You just need to be cool, formal, and don’t engage.

Do you think the user should support her brother despite the discomfort of being around her ex-husband, or is she right to prioritize her boundaries in this situation? How would you handle being put in this position? Share your thoughts below!