AITA for refusing to give my son’s « free » room to my cousin who is living with us ?’

A man (36M) and his partner (38M) have taken care of their two adopted sons, Luke (18M) and Jay (15M), since the boys were 8 and 11. To help Luke feel secure, they promised he would always have a room at home, even after leaving for college. Recently, the man’s cousin (42F) and her two kids moved in temporarily due to a breakup.

The cousin expects to move into Luke’s room once he leaves for university, but the man has refused, explaining that Luke’s room will remain his. The cousin and other family members are upset, saying it’s unfair not to give her the room during her stay, but the man stands by his decision, believing the room holds emotional significance for Luke.

‘ AITA for refusing to give my son’s « free » room to my cousin who is living with us ?’

Me (M36) and my partner (M38) have 2 kids Luke (M18) and Jay (M15). Some background info : We took the boys under our care when they were 8 and 11. Before they came with us they had been in different families/ group homes for over a year.

It was hard for luke to understand that they were with us for good and that he had his own bedroom and family. Me and my partner know that he stills sometimes has insecurities about it and a recent one was about him leaving for college.

We explained to Luke that even if he was 18 and leaving the house he would still have a room and place at home, be it now or in 10/25 years. That he would still be our kid at 40 and we will always be here for him. Now the issue. My cousin (F42) recently broke up and needed a somewhere to live for her and her two boys (M16/M12).

Me and my partner have a house big enough and we agreed to host them free of charge for 6 months until she gets her bearings back. For the house me and my partner have a kind of master bedroom with our bedroom, bathroom and office.

Our boys have their own room and they share a bathroom and my cousin’s boys have the guest room with a bathroom. My cousin has a room on the ground floor, it’s not big but she has the space for a bed, a desk and a wardrobe.

Last week we got the keys for Luke’s flat and we started the process of furnishing it, he will offically move in next week and will start uni the week after. This week end my cousin asked when Luke’s room will be empty. I told her that it will not be, that he will only take his clothes, books, decorative items…

basically his room will stay the same and he will take only what he wanted. She then asked how she will be able to move in the room with all his stuff still here. I told her she won’t, that it will still be his bedroom. He will still come home on some week ends, holidays…

She then complained about the fact that she was living in a « storage room », that she was the only one without her own bathroom and that it was unfair of us to have an empty bedroom in our house and not give it to her.

Me and my partner were very firm in our decision but my mom and aunt called and told me that it was a bit unfair of us to not offer proper accomodation for my cousin and that Luke could do without a room for a few months now that he has his flat for the school year.

I disagree, for me it’s more than a bedroom it’s what it represents. It’s his own place for him in our home and it’s something I want him to have for as long as possible.
I’ve been called s**fish and that I was coddling him too much over this so I would like an outsider percesptive.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

HairyDowntown −  NTA, You’re a better man than I. Soon as she started involving other family members, I would have told her to pack her s**t up and get out of my house.
The boys would still be welcome to stay if she chooses. They didn’t do anything wrong. But mom’s gotta go. You have been more than accomodating.

lady_rain_was_here −  NTA. Your cousin is being ungrateful and e**itled. She is getting a place for her and her kids rent free for six months (let’s face it, probably more). It’s much more important for your son to keep his room than for her to have a big room. She can have the big room when she’s paying for it.

Shut down this conversation once and for all. You didn’t promise this room to her and make sure she knows that.

Impossible_Rain_4727 −  NTA – Give a mouse a cookie and they will ask for an ensuite bathroom. Your cousin should move in with your aunt if your accommodation options are not up to her standards. She should be more grateful for the roof over her head.

[Reddit User] −  Absolutely NTA. You were kind enough to allow your cousin and her kids to live in YOUR home for FREE. And she has the gall to COMPLAIN? A person on the receiving end of such generosity shouldn’t be complaining, you’ve already gone out of your way to accommodate them.

And your aunt? Hey, how about the woman who raised such an e**itled person doesn’t have room to criticize how you parent your own child. The kid was essentially told no one wanted him for the first ~~8~~ 11 years of his life! God forbid you love the crap out of him. If she doesn’t like it, she can move in with your mom or aunt. The nerve of some people…

Slight-Bar-534 −  You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision. Copied from another poster….perfect..

NTA. If she doesn’t like the accommodations, she is free to find another place to live

Sirsburneraccount −  NTA. Your cousin is welcome to find alternative accommodation which I’m sure won’t be free. Likewise your other relatives are welcome to offer up their homes instead. “Beggars can’t be choosers” as the saying goes – she doesn’t get to demand a bigger room when staying for free is already a huge favour. Stand your ground 🙂

DesertSong-LaLa −  NTA – She cops attitude instead of showering you with gratitude. She has free housing for 6 months! This is astounding and shameful on her part.
You did not put her in an aluminum shed in the backyard with no electricity. Her life change does not equate you change your commitment to your sons.

I’d sit down every person in the house and explain your decision. It will not matter if they agree. Remember, your youngest is watching so a ‘public’ confirmation would be more cement in your relationship. And please, clarify they’ll be with you for the holidays and moving in February or sooner should mom find a place.

Your mom and aunt can either host these relatives or stop their noise. You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision. Best to you and may he rock his 1st year!

MidwestNormal −  Just be prepared to come home one day to find she’s taken it upon herself to just change rooms. I absolutely know you’ll reverse this, but be ready to send her packing as she’ll be openly hostile. NTA. Please update on how things go.

NewtoFL2 −  NTA – 1. She is fortunate to have you. 2. I would not want her too comfortable. 3. It is your decision. Tell you mom and aunt they can take in cousin and her kids.

brooketaber −  OML NTA – You’re offering a free place to live to these people and they’re complaining that it’s not good enough? That is so rude! I can’t imagine someone being so kind and helpful and me complaining that its not to my standards.

Also, you can just turn it around on her and say “You’re right, it IS only 6 months, so you can deal with living in the ‘storage room’ since, as you said, it’s not even for that long” – I would be like “This is what I am offering to you and if you don’t like it, you can go pay to live somewhere else” BYE

Is he being unreasonable for not giving the cousin Luke’s room, or is he right to prioritize his son’s sense of security and belonging? Should family members have the right to make such demands when they are receiving free accommodation? Let us know your thoughts!