AITA for refusing to forgive my brother for something he did when we were kids?

A man (32M) is struggling with forgiving his older brother (14M at the time) for causing a house fire that killed their younger sister (4F) when they were kids. The brother was playing with matches and panicked when the fire got out of control.

The family was devastated, and the man lived with the trauma for years. Now in their 30s, the brother has reached out asking for forgiveness, but the man refuses, still holding onto the resentment. Some family members are urging him to forgive and move on, but he can’t let go of the pain. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to forgive my brother for something he did when we were kids?’

When I (32M) was 10, my older brother (14M at the time) caused a house fire that killed our younger sister (4F). He was playing with matches and panicked when the fire got out of control. I was in the house too and barely escaped. The fire destroyed our family.

My parents were consumed with grief, and I lived with the memory of that night for years. My brother was sent to live with our grandparents and later went to therapy. He’s now in his 30s, has a family of his own, and recently reached out, asking for forgiveness.

I told him I can’t. I still blame him for what happened. He says he was just a kid and that holding onto this resentment isn’t fair to either of us. Some family members are pressuring me to move on, saying it’s time to let go. But I can’t. Am I wrong for refusing to forgive him?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Traditional_Tea_1879 −  The difference between a stupid act that ends up in learning lesson or one that ends up in horrendous consequences is often just pure luck ( or lack off). I agree with others that therapy seems like a first step forward.

Not towards forgiving your brother necessarily, but to help you move on. If it results with you able to have your brother back in your life time will tell.

Resident_Warthog4711 −  If he had been a little kid, I’d be more inclined to be on his side, but a 14 year old was playing with matches? Does he have a normal level of intelligence? 

Brilliant-Kangaroo12 −  From an outside perspective, he was 14 at the time, he didn’t do it on purpose or maliciously. Was he stupid? Yes, but at that age you don’t think smart or do very sensible things.

I would like to say that he deserves forgiveness for a mistake that he has spent his whole life regretting, but at the same time I cannot imagine how devastating it was for you, to lose your sister, because of what he did.

Understandable you have a lot of resentment for him and it’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive him, or if you ever will be, but I do think therapy may be a good option to talk through these feelings with someone, and maybe try look at it from another perspective.

DesperateIncident31 −  Jesus, that’s f**king horrible, I’m so sorry

JRAWestCoast −  Very much the same thing happened to a close, very kind friend of mine when he was 10, before I knew him. He was lighting a candle on a living room side table, and it fell into a trash can. The candle flared up and lit the draperies on fire.

Within minutes, it spread to the whole house, and it was a total loss. No one died, thankfully. Try as he might (with therapy), he could not get over causing the family house to be burned down. *His parents said they forgave him, but he always knew that they had unresolved anger at him*.

In his early 20s, he began having such severe panic attacks that he had to be taken to the ER several times. Smart, kind, sweet, he just couldn’t put this disaster behind him. At 23, he took an overdose and unfortunately died. He left behind a note, “No more anxiety. Love you all.

Sorry.” It broke me up for years. Many people make mistakes, even adults falling asleep with cigarettes. Kids playing with matches. We all love watching fireworks. *Luck plays a big part in the outcome.* *When it’s a disaster, the toll it takes on the person who’s caused it,

not to mention a sibling d**th in the OP’s case, is a lifetime of self-h**red.* My good friend just could not go on. **There is no punishment OP and family could mete out to her brother greater than the self-h**red he carries in his heart**.

BefuddledPolydactyls −  INFO: Did you then, or have you since, had grief counseling – as a family or individually? Did your brother? A heavy burden was put on your whole family. 22 years is a long time to harbor those feelings and hold that inner stress. Grieving is different for everyone, but therapy does help to heal wounds/make them easier to live with.

Fragrant-Donut2871 −  NTA. No one is entitled to forgiveness, nor can they tell you who you want or can forgive. There are things that cut so deep that forgiveness isn’t possible, sometimes their mere presence is so intertwined with the trauma they caused that having them in their life is too painful.

It killed your sister and almost killed you. That is an extreme situation to go through and must’ve been hell after. From the sound of it you weren’t helped with dealing or processing what happened. If you weren’t, I’d suggest you search for a therapist that specializes in treatment of trauma.

Not for your brother, but for yourself. It still sounds like you are very raw and it is still affecting you badly. It won’t make you forget, it will help you live with what has happened and find coping strategies that enable you to live well while keeping her memory alive. I am so incredibly sorry for your devastating loss and wish you all the best.

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA This is one of those cases where it is completely irrelevant what I or anybody else would do or feel in the same situation.
You are entitled to feel how you feel, and you are not an a**hole for it.

Stormtomcat −  I don’t think it’s a matter of right and wrong. I do think it’s unhealthy for you though. it sounds like you both lost your entire family in that fire : the sister who passed, your brother who was sent away, your parents to their grief,

and your grandparents to the responsibility of looking after your brother & keeping him away from the rest of you. if you’ve been living with it for years, is it really the best choice for you to leave this unaddressed?

not saying you need to forgive him instantly & having him round for 10 days over christmas and sylvester, but working through it seems like a good idea to me.

SubstantialShop1538 −  NTA but You can’t help your feelings but you can get therapy. I would hope that eventually you’d be able to forgive the child he was when he caused this accident. He probably punished himself more than anyone else could for the guilt he has been feeling.

The man’s pain and grief are understandable given the trauma he experienced, and there is no set timeline for when someone should forgive such a devastating incident. Forgiveness is a personal decision and doesn’t have to happen on anyone else’s terms.

While some may feel it’s time to move on, the man is entitled to his emotions and to process things in his own way. Is it fair for family members to pressure him, or should they respect his decision? What are your thoughts? Share them below!