AITA for refusing to cook gluten free or take my near adult son out to eat?

A Reddit user describes their frustration with their 17-year-old son, who has a wheat allergy but refuses to follow the necessary diet, despite health warnings. After spending months cooking gluten-free meals and buying expensive alternatives, they are questioning whether it’s time to stop accommodating his dietary needs since he disregards them. Read the full story below!

‘ AITA for refusing to cook gluten free or take my near adult son out to eat?’

My 17 year old son was diagnosed recently with a wheat allergy. He had been battling gut issues for a few months and we finally found that he can’t have wheat. I immediately went into research mode. I read labels learned all names for wheat bought hundreds of dollars of food/snacks for him to try.

I took him to whole foods and organic markets for hundreds more. I bought wheat alternative flours and began cooking gluten free. He still had digestive issues. So back to dr. Only issue wheat. Come to find out he’s spending his pay check at school on biscuits and gluten filled snacks.

He goes to a friend’s house and bam eats McDonald’s and wheat filled junk. The doc and I warned him that this is only mild-moderate but it can get worse. He actually came home with urticaria and hives last weekend. He ate cake and pizza at a friend’s. He’s not 10 he’s 17.

I can’t be with him everywhere and police every single thing he eats.He knows what wheat is and what to look for we literally learned together. The school said they won’t cut him off even with a dr note cause he’s old enough to police himself. Tgey provide alternatives but he won’t eat them. He’s stubborn.

Tonight we went out to a gluten friendly restaurant and I got him a gluten free meal 26 dollars (ours average 15-18). I made sure he was good with the selction. He didn’t eat it but instead snuck off others plates and snuck bread.

My MIL is an enabler(just a bit won’t bother him 10 bites later) He stunk up the car on the way home and tried to deny that he ate whest but the guy won’t lie. He is wanting to stay home due to gut pain but I’m getting peeved cause he’s causing it.

Am I an awful mom that If he’s going to eat what he wants that I am just over making the effort and spending way extra money when he’s not even following the diet (I have been begging, trying ,and cooking GF for over 9 mos and have spent thousands trying to find what even I feel taste pretty good alternative). I don’t want to be a uncaring person but I feel like I’m wasting time and money that we don’t really have when it makes no difference. AITA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

ms_sinn −  NTA, but have wheat free food options at the house. That said, as a person with celiac, these are all the things that are easy to have on hand, won’t break the bank, and are wheat free:. Most potato chips (not pringles). Tortilla chips. Salsa. Cheese. Eggs. Rice. Potatoes. Veggies.

Corn tortillas Most Lunch meats (boars head and Hormel label. for wheat and gluten). Progresso soups label for gluten. Yogurt. Cottage cheese GF freezer waffles are around the same price as regular ones. They work for waffles, sandwiches and a base for individual pizzas. Rice Chex- all flavors Obviously there’s a lot more GF / wheat free food but a lot of Whole Foods are naturally wheat free and just keep stuff like that around.

Reasonable-Sale8611 −  He’s having trouble confronting his new, wheat-free life and is rebelling, more or less hoping that if he ignores the problem then it will go away. Teens making dangerous choices around their allergy is probably not that uncommon. In a way, it’s the most dangerous part of life in which to have an allergy.

If your allergy is discovered as a young child, it’s just part of your normal, what you grow up with. If your allergy develops as an adult, you are mature enough to grieve your old way of life and settle into the new way. If your allergy develops as a teen, it’s the time of life when you have independence without maturity and when you are rebelling against everything.

I would give him some grace, in your own mind. In practice, you’re mom (or dad) so you have to keep pushing. If you stop making his wheat-free meals, it just validates the idea that his allergy is not a big deal. To me, it sounds like he needs therapy, i.e. someone to guide/nudge him toward a habit of safe choices, who doesn’t have that combination of love and authority that a teen has with their mom,

that makes them want to push all your buttons and prove you wrong when you say they’ll eventually have to behave like a responsible adult. I would also see if his allergist can talk to him and give him a more detailed explanation of why it is dangerous to do what he is doing.

edoyle2021 −  I’m gluten free because I have celiac. I’m going NTA. Please stop buying GF alternatives and just stick with fruit, veg, protein, and rice. Your kid isn’t taking this seriously and is causing him severe damage.

Personally I would take him back to the doctor for a sit down. But, in the end you can’t force him. It’s really an annoying situation and you are doing a good job. I suffered for years. I just don’t understand why he would like being sick. Maybe therapy?

EchoNeko −  This is a complicated issue and I genuinely think you should go to therapy with him. He’s choosing to poison himself, but that’s very different from you doing it. If you stop doing gluten free for meals that you know he’s eating, then you’re actively harming him.

It’s a tough line to tread. Something you could try is making him completely responsible for his own diet – you don’t have to cook GF, but he’s also not welcome to your food. He needs to cook his own food, buy his own groceries (or you can give him a budget), and manage himself. NTA but it’s also his health, his choice. Just don’t actively poison your kid

apschizo −  Wow. I was ready to go into a whole rant, but um.. yeah….. NTA Okay. First off, he is 17. Seventeen year olds are freaking idiots. I confidently say this because at 17, I was 100% an i**ot and basically, every 17 year old I have ever met (including the one I have raised, 19 now) is an i**ot. They will jump off the bridge because their friend did. Hell, they are the friend who jumped first!

They are frustrating, moody, hormonal, not yet adults. It sucks that he is making himself sick, especially when you are trying to support him, and it is an easy fix. I’m a fafo kinda mom, and all the kids around me (I say kids some are 24 with kids of their own I’m dying) know my line, “make smart choices, and if you are going to make dumb choices, be smart about them.”

Your son is being dumb about dumb choices. Might be time for some tough pull yourself up by the bootstraps kinda love. He is choosing to eat things that make him sick. To me, this is the same as drinking before you have to work and complaining all day of a hangover. It’s time to s**k it up. He played the game, time to pay the price.

Life doesn’t stop because he wants to eat the bread. School, work, chores, etc… don’t disappear because he made a bad choice. It is time to deal with the consequences and push through the pain and learn a lesson. Or not, at a certain point, you have to let them figure their stuff out.

Now the enabling Grandmother. It’s time to have a serious talk with Nanna about how her grand baby had a serious allergy. Bring up bee allergies and how it’s similar (old people respond to bee allergy analogies) make her understand she isn’t helping or “treating” her baby she is physically harming him and 1 bite is enough to cause damage. Good luck Mama, it’s a tough spot <3

Urbanspy87 −  NAH. But you should keep offering gluten free food. It will help normalize it by exposing him The diagnosis is a huge change for him. Have you thought about therapy for him?

CaptainFartHole −  NAH. I’m gluten free and have been since I was a few years older than him. I can’t fault him for what he’s doing because going gluten free is f**king HARD. It took me a full year to even accept my diagnosis and I only did it because one night I ate so much gluten that I was in incredible pain, had diarrhea for a week, and slept for 3 days straight.

And wheat is in everything. Not just the obvious stuff, but also things like medicine, soy sauce, paper straws, lotions, it’s all over. And now your son is looking at a future where he can’t just get a pizza with friends, he can’t go out for beers with friends because the bar might not offer gluten free stuff, where he has to watch literally every single thing he puts in his body.

He won’t be able to randomly go out to eat with friends without researching a restuarant first, he’ll be alienated by people who don’t understand his allergy possibly even mocked by them. He will have to learn to be his biggest advocate when it comes to food and that can be really hard for a lot of people, especially when it’s going to so often mean he has to go against what everyone else wants.

Oh and the gluten free replacement options? Most of them are f**king terrible. So not only does he have to say goodbye to the good pastries, he gets to look forward to a future of small, dry, crumbly ass bread. What I’m saying is: he needs either to go to therapy or to find some kind of food allergy support group so he can have people his age to relate to.

People who know what he’s going through and can help him learn to make better decisions. It’s one thing to go through it with the support of your parents, but unless you have the same allergy as him it’s not entirely possible to relate to what he’s going through.

Now on to you, my biggest suggestion is this: stop spending so much money on this diet. I’ve been gluten free for over 15 years and I’m telling you, it doesn’t need to be this expensive. Just buy stuff that is naturally wheat free. Meat, beans, fruits, vegetables, rice, etc. Baked goods that require gluten free flour should be a sometimes treat, not enough to break the bank.

If you want snacks for him, buy snacks that the whole family can eat instead of just buying stuff for you and separate stuff for him. I get it that you want the best for him, but you don’t need to be spending so much money to do that. As for not cooking for him anymore, I’m going to be honest with you: while he lives at your house, that’s his home and his home needs to be a place that is safe for him.

I get that it’s frustrating, but having access to a place that’s safe for him to eat will be hugely important in him learning to accept his allergy. You should also involve him in the cooking if you aren’t already–help him learn how to safely prepare his own food and how to find alternatives that he likes.

Maybe he’ll be more inclined to eat safe food if he knows how to prepare it himself. Also, start sending him to school with a packed lunch. There is literally no way that a school kitchen can provide him with safe, non cross-contaminated options.

ChaoticCapricorn −  Appeal to teenaged vanity, ruthlessly. Tell him that if he keeps this up and keeps causing inflammation he is gonna end up with a colostomy. Continuous inflammation can cause your bowel to perforate resulting in a bowel resection and a colostomy. Ask him would he rather eat properly or poop in a bag. Tell him you’d save on the toilet paper, so you’re okay if he wants to go that route.. Yeah I’m mean.

Electronic-Code9834 −  I thank you all who have responded so far, and I do keep plenty of food that is naturally GF in the house. My example that best fits might be that we make chilli and cornbread. I’ll buy a 5 dollar mix and make a small batch cause we all love cornbread with chili.

I switched to gf seasoning and made sure all my ingredients are gf. If I dare make regular cornbread for dad or fam and he won’t eat his but instead try and eat the regular. It goes to waste. If we have a meal out, we will choose a restaurant with gf options and make sure he has his gf option, but he’s always trying to get food from his brother’s.

Dare I make a meal that has a component that’s not gf he’s always trying to eat it. I’m not against going totally gf but I have a large family to feed, and it’s not always easy. Quick meals are great for me as I work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. He is old enough to prepare and cook for himself.

I’m just tired of buying specific snacks. Changing my recipes when he’s already eaten gluten all day, why come home and eat 100 bucks of gf snacks 🤷‍♀️ As far as therapy. We have tried therapy on more than one occasion. We have even tried different therapists. He is typical. I don’t wanna talk about it.

He sat stone cold silent for weeks at 1st therapist. Most even said typical behavior… I will admit this is a boy mom struggle I am truly vexed. I wanna do this right. I know the damage this can do. He’s even seen me have an anaphylaxis episode(be sting) . I just need to break the stubborn.

Puzzleheaded_Row6211 −  NTA. Fellow celiac here. It sucks to make the change. I wasn’t diagnosed until 25. I know that everyone’s symptoms are different but it’s genuinely wild to me that someone would choose discomfort over sticking to a gf diet. It does sound like disordered eating to be honest if he has that much of a fixation.

As the parent and role model, you need to continue to offer him gluten free food. You don’t need to spend extra money on it, you can simply buy other carbs like potatoes, rice etc. He is clearly still a child (and acting like one) and needs guidance. In fact, the less wheat you have available, the better.

Look into finding him a dietitian that he connects well with, or someone else who has the same intolerance. He is probably feeling left out of all of his friends are eating McDonalds and whatnot. He needs community.

Is the parent right to stop going out of their way to accommodate their son’s gluten-free needs, given his refusal to stick to the diet? Or should they continue supporting him despite his stubbornness? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!