AITA For Refusing to Accept My Mum’s New Partner?

A Reddit user (24F) shares her emotional struggle after losing her father, navigating her mother’s behavior, and feeling unable to accept her mother’s new romantic relationships. Despite promising her late father to support her mother, she finds herself questioning if her inability to embrace her mother’s decisions makes her the bad guy. Read the full story below to understand the complex emotions and circumstances.

‘ AITA For Refusing to Accept My Mum’s New Partner?’

Hey Reddit. Me: F/24 Short Backstory: I was always closer to my dad and my brothers were always closer to my mum. I’ve known since I was a child that my mother never really liked me and even went so far as to begin to understand that she had me to trap my dad (an older wealthier man) into a long-term relationship as she was a single mother to my brother when they met. I have also only realised that she has always been quite a**sive, since talking to my friends, partner and therapists.

My dad passed away last year on my birthday and besides grieving the loss of my best friend and father I told my best friend that I knew I had lost two parents that day. With my dad now gone I hold no value or purpose, she’s even said to me since that she hates me. I still live in my family home with her after moving in when my dad died to help emotionally support her like I promised my dad I would. The emotional abuse has got worse tenfold since, but I won’t go into that.

About 8 months after we lost my dad, my mum began looking for a new man, stating “When someone gets a divorce they’re allowed to move on so why am I not”. I have tried my best to be supportive of whatever will make her happy with the promise I made to Dad in the back of my mind, even giving her advice on her dating life. My brother was more outspoken on the matter, telling her it was too soon, she hated that response. I felt the same, but I didn’t want to give her more reasons to get angry with me.

She has started to bring men back to the house. She gives me a warning so I can be out of the house and away from the discomfort of a new man sitting in my dad’s chair so soon after he died. I want her to be happy but something is preventing me from being able to really support her decision or even meet the new men.

It may be that I know as soon as there is a new man I will become completely obsolete in her life and will finally have lost both parents. It may also be that I know her intentions aren’t about love, she shamelessly states that she wants a man with a good job who can provide the life for her that my dad did, which wasn’t far off a sugar daddy/baby situation. I hate to think I’m breaking the promise I made to my dad but I just can’t bring myself to accept this.. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

laughinglovinglivid −  NTA, OP, but I strongly suggest you get some grief Counseling if you haven’t already. You sound like you don’t have much support and are constantly prioritizing everyone else’s feelings over yours.

Diligent_Bluebird_39 −  You are NTA. My mom did this exact thing when my Dad died. I was 17 and ended up living with my grandma until I got married. You need to do what is best for you. Your Dad would not want you to stay.

Mid0ryia −  NTA. Dad here: I’m proud that you’ve gotten yourself a therapist to help you move through your grief! Move out and say goodbye to her imo, set boundaries if she still wants to be involved but focus on healing yourself and working through your grief.

Extremely inappropriate for your mom to bring around another man and to ask you to leave the house (your mom seems young/ immature/ selfish). It’s extremely disrespectful towards you and your siblings to bring men around she’s “courting”…. I’m sorry this is happening to you!! Your dad is watching and will be proud that you’re going to prioritize your mental health! Wish I could give you the biggest hug kiddo and let you know it’s all going to be okay!!

plantprinses −  You’re not breaking a promise. Your father asked you to support your mother without knowing, I guess, what your mother truly is: self-serving, money-grabbing and a**sive to you. As such, the woman your father referred to doesn’t even exist: she gave birth to you, but is not a mother and not even a loving wife.

Apart from that, usually you want to respect a person’s dying wish, but not when it’s detrimental. Your father didn’t know what he asked you to do: if he did, he would never have asked it of you in the first place. So, go and live your own life, on your own terms and leave your mother to herself. She sounds more than capable of finding another walking ATM.

FantasticCabinet2623 −  NTA at all. And your dad would not want you to keep a promise at the expense of your own emotional and maybe even physical health. Move out, leave your mom to find her new sugar daddy, live your best life. Your dad would want you to be happy, not trapped with someone who only sees you as an obstacle.

Individual_Metal_983 −  Your mother no longer needs your support.. All you are getting is abuse. Get out and give yourself the gift of some distance.. NTA.

Revan1114 −  You need to go NC with mom and gain some normalcy in your life.

Srvntgrrl_789 −  NTA. Please accept my condolences on your father’s passing. As all others have suggested here, grief counseling would definitely help you process what you’re going through. Your mother sounds like a nightmare, and though she’s technically correct, she can move on whenever she likes, she’s an adult, and so are you. But now that your father is gone, she’s also showing her true colors: greed, jealousy, and n**cissism. 

I know you promised your father you’d help your mom, but it’s not tenable or realistic to expect to continue to that at the expense of your mental health. Perhaps you can redefine your promise as “emergencies/major milestone events.” Is there any other family you can stay with for the time being?

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  Your mom has moved on from your Dad’s d**th. He wanted you to emotionally support her until she moved on. Your job is done. NTA. Go forth young lady. Find a life. Your mom has. Your promise to your Dad is done.