AITA for refusing my aunts request for some of my brothers ashes?

One person from Reddit (26F) recently lost their brother (47M) to a terminal illness. After his death, their aunt contacted their mother, asking for some of his ashes. This request came only two days after his passing, and it seemed insensitive given the aunt’s past behavior.

The aunt had previously been unkind to the Redditor’s family, showing little care for them, especially after their brother’s illness. The aunt’s request was made without any apology or sentiment and instead focused solely on her family’s comfort. The Redditor refused the request, telling the aunt not to contact their mother again, and now faces backlash. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing my aunts request for some of my brothers ashes?’

I 26F recently lost my brother 47M. Two days after his d**th, our aunt contacted us requesting some of his ashes. Some back story, this aunt and her sisters have been evil to my brother and myself our entire lives. We later found out it was their h**red for our mother which fueled it.

They would say mean things, leave us out of gatherings and more. As well as our grandmother. My mother finally removed me from the situation but my brother was old enough to make his own decisions and he always hoped they’d love him for real and stuck around.

My brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and that’s when my aunts came out of the woodwork to “take care” of him. Providing him somewhere to stay or giving him some money. But it wasn’t out of the goodness of their hearts. Once he got well enough to care for himself, they’d leave him again till he was on d**th’s door again.

Flash forward to now. He passed and my aunt sends my mother a fake condolence text where she quickly asks for some of his ashes because it would make her family feel better with his passing. No apology for how they treated my mother or two of her children for years. No real sentiment behind what she was saying.

Everything was drowned out by the fact that she wanted his ashes so HER and HER family could feel better after his passing. Nothing about what my mother or myself might need. Nothing about helping us out with anything. Being there if we needed them.

Just sorry your son died but my family and I feel sad about it so can you let us have something incredibly intimate so we can feel better? My mother couldn’t believe it and didn’t answer but I sent my own message in secret telling her how disrespectful her text was and her lack of empathy was astounding.

I told her no she couldn’t have any ashes and to never contact my mother again. Suddenly I am the bad guy because my aunts feel they deserve some of his ashes. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Particular-Try5584 −  NTA. This is weirdly intrusive and feeling that this is inappropriate is *normal. You are the normal one here*. ”Please never contact my mother again, your request is weird and inappropriate. I have no idea why you want ashes of my brother but obviously we aren’t supplying tourist tokens here.

Yes you spoke to him on and off over the years, but are you asking for the neighbours ashes too? Do you have a giant glass jar of ashes and you label each layer? This one is Uncle Bob, and that one is the next door neighbours cat, and here is Cousin and that one is the Librarian from high school? No? Good, but still… weird. No. You can’t have his ashes.” (And… I’m really sorry you’ve lost your brother. You and your mum deserved more years with him.)

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA. Everything was drowned out by the fact that she wanted his ashes so HER and HER family could feel better after his passing. Nothing about what my mother or myself might need.

You said it perfectly; their lack of empathy (& sense of situation) is *utterly* astounding. That they think they can ask such a thing at all is wildly inappropriate. Suddenly I am the *bad guy* because my aunts feel they deserve some of his ashes.

No, you absolutely aren’t. They don’t deserve anything & kudos for protecting your mom. This is a total go scorched earth imo. I’m profoundly sorry for yours & your mom’s loss. This internet stranger is sending you much love.

Roroin −  NTA.Just in case, keep your brother’s ashes safe. I know it’s exaggerated, but better safe than sorry. Your aunts really have the nerve to say such nonsense, either because:

A. They feel guilty. It doesn’t involve you, they burned their bridges and they LIVE with the consequences of THEIR actions.

B. They plan something uglier just to make you feel bad, exaggerated? Maybe but if they did emotional damage to your seriously ill brother at the time then they can think of other twisted things.

RaineMist −  NTA. You don’t need to give away some of his ashes if you don’t want to. It’s your decision. When my dad passed away back in 2021, my uncle wanted some of his ashes. I refused. I didn’t give any member of my dad’s side of the family some of his ashes.

Rosespetetal −  I wouldn’t give her any. She wants them for black magic.

Lucky-Effective-1564 −  NTA. Send them a small jar of some random ashes – cigarette ash with some bits of soil and other s**t! They’ll never know.

No-To-Newspeak −  NTA. Ignore your aunt, better yet block her and anyone else in her circle who is pressuring you for the ashes. Also, keep the ashes safe in case your aunt decides to come looking for them.

SilverDarner −  NTA – I am part of a group that gives the worst possible advice. It is a group where we support one another through tough times by coming up with the silliest, most outré plots we can, with the understanding that no one should really take that terrible advice. It is in that spirit that I offer the following:

Find a set of colorful and unique blown glass ornaments, one for each aunt (bonus if you thrift them). Take a snapshot of them perfectly and excessively wrapped in bubble wrap and sitting in a box, then partially break all but one.

Send aunts a group message with the picture telling them that bro’s ashes have been scattered per his wishes, but that at great personal expense, you’ve sent the last portion of his ashes to a glass blower that makes them into one of a kind ornaments for his beloved aunties. Then ship the box first class or UPS to the aunt you like least. Sit back and watch them whine about the shipping and fight over the one whole ornament. Merry Christmas Everyone!

Greenovia −  My condolences to you and your family. NTA, idk if it’s just me but I feel that asking to share the ashes of a person period is crazy. I hope your mother doesn’t cave in, it may be time for you lots to cut some ties anyways.

RedPandaPrincess93 −  NTA. My mom and I made fake ashes for my dad’s d**g addict gf at the time of his d**th. We hated her and she’s part of the reason he died but she’s very good at creating drama and I just did not have the energy for it.

She kept pushing and pushing for some of his ashes and tbh NO ONE was getting any of his ashes not even my siblings or myself, his ashes were buried in the grave and we didn’t want to split them up.

But she wouldn’t take no for an answer and it was stressing my mom out bad while she’s living with stage 4 cancer and paying for her ex husbands funeral bc nobody else could/would! So…Fireplace ashes mixed with coarse salt and we haven’t heard from the gf since the funeral 2+ years ago thank goodness.

Was the Redditor right to refuse the aunt’s request for the ashes, or should they have been more understanding given the aunt’s grieving process? How would you handle such a request in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!