AITA for referring to my brother’s bf using strong language in front of my brother because of his petty, emotionally a**sive behavior towards me?

A Redditor shares their frustration over a tense living situation with their brother and his boyfriend, whom they financially support. Despite their sacrifices, the boyfriend exhibits petty and emotionally abusive behavior, leading to a heated moment where the user referred to him using strong language in front of their brother. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for referring to my brother’s bf using strong language in front of my brother because of his petty, emotionally a**sive behavior towards me?’

I (30F) live with my younger (28M) brother (who I’m very close to) and his boyfriend of nearly four years. Due to circumstances beyond my control, neither of them have had steady jobs for over two years, and I’ve been covering their part of the rent.

This in and of itself is a difficult situation, and it’s only made worse by the fact that my brother’s bf hates me. I’m by no means faultless; there were times after we started living together where I misread boundaries and offended him, though I was only made aware of one instance at the time and apologized accordingly.

I’ve lived with roommates for most of my adult life, and am generally a respectful and easygoing person—if someone brings up an issue and communicates that to me, I immediately seek to correct it. But my brother’s bf is passive aggressive, harboring resentment towards me for things I didn’t even realize were an issue until much later.

I had to hear about these things secondhand from my brother. Wanting to resolve the tension, I brought this up to my brother’s bf a few months ago and received an extremely angry, verbally a**sive reply in return. I deleted the message for my own emotional wellbeing, but to give you an idea:

he claimed I “use people” and then proceeded to cite the time when I was struggling to juggle my fulltime job with my chores and asked him (unemployed at the time) if he could help with cleaning up around the shared space. He took several jokes I made about myself out of context to make unfair assumptions about my character.

He slung several other insults at me that I don’t want to repeat. I was shocked and deeply hurt. He’s had similar issues with my mom, who my brother and I both have a good relationship with. He sent aggressive messages to her when she stood up for me.

He accused us of being a**sive towards my brother, seemingly because I’ve tried to lean on him for emotional support (a reasonable thing for siblings to do.) The behavior feels a lot like the strategy abusers use where they try to cut their partner off from their family and friends, and I’m genuinely worried that my brother’s mental health is suffering in part due to his bf.

Now to the initial question: I was watching HBO with my brother, and the account we were using was one his bf recently opened. It came up that the bf asked my brother to log out of the account on my TV, because he doesn’t want me using it. Me, who spends WAY more than the price of an HBO account every month so that he can live here for free!

I was upset, and replied by saying “I didn’t realize he was such a vindictive b**tard.” I knew that my brother wouldn’t like it, but I’m just so fed up with this situation. It’s not even about wanting access to the HBO account,

but rather the pettiness of the behavior. I didn’t work this hard to achieve financial independence only to be bullied by a man who I literally cannot remove from my life. AITA for letting my emotions get the better of me and lashing out?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Avijel −  INFO: why can’t you move out? Or kick your brother’s bf out?

NinjaHidingintheOpen −  You can remove the bf from your life. It’s super easy. Tell him to pay rent or leave. Really, really, stop buying him anything. He can starve. Eat your food before you come home. Do not buy groceries for the house. Move out yourself and let them know your brother can come but his bf is not coming to your house at all. You are being a doormat.

chocolatedoc3 −  Info : Why are you the one paying the mortgage when your whole family is on the deed? You *do* realise that if you sell, you’d get less than what you put in, right?

SausageasaService −  YTA for continuing to fund this users life. Grow a spine.

Inner_Advantage8323 −  Absolutely NTA, and honestly, I think you should lash out more. The least he can do in this situation is move past his grudges and be civil.

You really need to have a serious conversation with your brother about his partner. Actually, if I were in your brother’s shoes and had a partner who was toxic and behaving like this toward people helping us, I wouldn’t hesitate—I’d leave their ass.

94Avocado −  NTA – and If he’s not on the lease, I’d kick him out. You’re literally supporting them both and sounds like neither of them care to lift a finger but I can understand why you would give your brother a little more leniency. Also their priorities are a little screwed if they cant afford things like rent but are still subscribing to streaming services.

When you’re living paycheck to paycheck it’s the small things that add up they should be sacrificing to pay essential bills. Your brother needs to be made to see the person his bf really is, and by the sounds of what you have described of him, I am positive this will be on full display if you kick him out.

curiousr_nd_curiousr −  Oof. NTA. The behaviour from the BF is incredibly concerning. If you can’t have a conversation with him about it without him lashing out, that is a pretty serious red flag. Have you talked to your brother about this? Is he aware of the message you were sent?

I completely understand not wanting to keep a copy of it on your device, but it might be worth keeping any evidence you do have or get of how he treats you for the future, maybe putting screenshots on a hard drive where you don’t need to look at them unless you or your brother need it.

I realize this might make a rift, but if you’re the one paying the rent you’re also completely in the right to kick this guy out. It might mean your Brother goes too and that would be tough, but it might also be the wake up call he needs. This guy does not sound like a good person, nevermind partner.
Best wishes OP, I hope things get better.

rendar1853 −  Tell your brother to either buy you out or you want to sell. Don’t stay there. You are not required to stay in a hostile and unsafe place.
Your brother needs to get off his arse and get a job.

edebby −  NTA. You should start immediate plans to leave the apartment and have your own place. Most of the tension you describe is caused by you living together with a couple. Moreover, by moving out, they will need to face reality, and be better in finding and holding jobs.

Your brother’s BF won’t have a “nemesis” he can use to reflect issues he need to deal with himself, and communication he need to improve with your brother. I think that it will also give your brother a chance to actually live with his BF, and be sure if he even wants to be with him.

Currently your presence diffuse a lot of issues I feel they have as a couple (or maybe living alone will do the opposite and let them open more to each other and strengthen the connection).

singhfromsauga −  NTA. make him pay rent- simple as that. say either he pays rent or you leave and find a new place. also talk to your brother, because he’s the one enbling this behaviour

Is the user justified in their outburst given the emotional and financial strain, or should they have handled the situation more diplomatically? How should family dynamics evolve when a third party introduces tension? Share your thoughts below!