AITA for rebuking a friend after she referred to my girlfriend as the “token Asian” leading to an awkward situation?
A woman (24f) and her East Asian girlfriend (25f) have been dating for several years. The girlfriend is introverted and recently moved to the woman’s town. The woman tried to set up a social gathering with some of her friends to help the girlfriend meet new people.
During the meeting, one of the friends referred to the girlfriend as the “token Asian,” which the woman found offensive. Despite her girlfriend laughing it off, the woman became angry and demanded an apology from her friends, leading to an awkward situation and the cancellation of future plans.
The girlfriend thinks the woman overreacted and ruined her chances to make friends. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for rebuking a friend after she referred to my girlfriend as the “token Asian” leading to an awkward situation?’
My girlfriend is not from the same town as me, she recently moved here. Her and I have been dating for a few years but she’s a shy introvert girl and a bit socially awkward. We live in a western country so she’s kind of living between two cultures because she’s East Asian.
Anyway I have some female friends and I thought I could set her up with them and they could go on girl dates. And she could finally have some female friends here to hang out with rather than just me. My gf liked the idea and my friends also were keen to get to know her .
They met up the first time and were planning stuff when one of the girls jokingly referred to my gf as the “token Asian”. (They’re all stereotypical white girls, as basic and stereotypically white as you can get) and it just felt so unnecessary and offensive to me.
My gf laughed it off but I got angry and told them off and demanded they apologise to her. The whole situation got very awkward and now the entire plans are cancelled. My gf thinks I overreacted and I ruined her chance to make friends
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
GenerationFloppyDisk − Nta. As someone who was called the token black girl for years I took tons of micro aggressions for years and never said anything just to have friends. I was shy and insecure and didn’t want to make waves. But the fact is comments like this aren’t cool joking or not. My race is not a joke. Being a token anything isn’t something funny.
Secret_University120 − NTA, but talk to your GF about this, explain why you’re upset, and then LISTEN to how she feels about the situation. If she genuinely doesn’t care, then you should probably drop it. If she doesn’t care, and it still bothers you, you should drop the friends instead.
Because what your friend said was r**ist. I don’t necessarily think it’s worth ending a friendship over IF you think she was just making a s**tty joke AND your gf doesn’t actually care, though.
Illustrious_Angle952 − Speaking as a Asian, who used to brush off comments like that in order to fit it, those girls would have never really been friends with your gf. The ringleader would keep the others from ever allowing real friendship
They would keep her around as a token and insist they can’t be r**ist because Asian friend. Bur they will never get to know her as a human person- she’ll always be the Asian one
RivSilver − YTA for not taking your cues from your gf and finding out how she felt before jumping in. You kinda sound like you don’t really respect your female friends very much for being “too white”, but that doesn’t tell us anything about who they are as people.
Your gf is the one who is most affected, and she’s the one who would be better able to tell if that comment was genuinely meant as an awkward way of including her or r**ist, and she was fine. So you made a deal where there shouldn’t be and made everything awkward for everyone
SarcasmReallySucks − There’s a lot of context missing here. Are these good friends that were very accepting and just joking with her? Sometimes, when a person makes a joke, if they’re savvy enough, they’ve read the room and they can drop this kind of line.
Sometimes, they’re r**ist and they drop this kind of line. Was your GF uncomfortable when this was said? If she expressed anger or disgust, then you probably were correct to step in but it seems like she said it was okay and laughed so why did you feel the need to step in?
jwldabeast − As a black man who had been called token a lot, YTA and overreacted. It was made as a joke, and on top of that, being called a token isn’t necessarily bad or r**ist. Just means your the outlier in your friend group.
Now, the chance for your GF to make other female friends has passed for the time being, and it’s your fault completely. Now, if in the moment your GF was clearly upset or bothered by it, then yea, you should stick up for her. However, you gotta learn to read the room when a joke is made and it isn’t at your expense.. Edit: fixed autocorrect mistake
Sad_Run_9798 − The important thing is that you felt good about yourself. YTA
DevilsAdvocate8008 − YTA. You literally white knighted. It doesn’t matter how you felt about the joke it mattered on how your girlfriend felt about it and how she wanted to respond. Context also matters and intent. You also could have played it off to help your girlfriend make friends and make it less awkward.
Forward-Dingo1431 − I think that it’s touching that you stuck up for your gf, even when it meant telling off your friends. You should do this when necessary. Maybe it’s just not always necessary for YOU to be the one.
I can’t say for sure if they were being mean and disrespectful (although I don’t think I would have ever said such a thing) or truly being lighthearted. I knew some people who referred to each other within a very diverse group that they had a “token” insert race here(white, black, Asian),
but it was said by All and referring to everyone) so I can’t say what their intent was. Was your gf hurt or upset or did she feel that it wasn’t malicious? Perhaps she is capable of defending herself, or do you feel like she was letting it slide so she could have friends
original_username_11 − YTA it feels like this was more about making you feel better, not standing up for your gf. If she laughed it off and the situation was fine, why did you get so angry and make everything awkward? You should apologize to your gf and the group, and set up another hangout.
Also, as an Asian person, I do not want anyone else speaking for me about what is or isn’t r**ist. That’s not because I don’t think it’s an important issue; it’s because this is very personal and important to me. If something bothers me, I will bring it up and I would expect people to stand up for me.
But I definitely don’t want a white person telling me that something is r**ist when I don’t think it is. And personally, I don’t think I would be offended by that joke (depending on context and how it was said ofc). I hear stuff way worse than that pretty much every day lol
You were justified in standing up for your girlfriend when your friend made a racially insensitive comment. The term “token Asian” is problematic and plays into harmful stereotypes. While your girlfriend may have brushed it off, it’s understandable that you would feel the need to defend her.
It’s unfortunate that the situation led to the cancellation of plans, but the friend’s comment was out of line, and you took the right approach in addressing it. What do you think? share your thoughts below!