AITA for purposefully sleeping with someone to completely END a 14 year relationship?

A Reddit user shared the story of a dramatic end to a 14-year relationship with their high school sweetheart. After a tumultuous breakup involving manipulation and a violent incident, the user chose to sleep with someone else to assert their independence and finalize the split. Their ex accused them of “ruining everything,” claiming he was planning to win them back and propose. Read the full story below to see how it unfolded.

‘ AITA for purposefully sleeping with someone to completely END a 14 year relationship?’

I 32. (F) was with my high school sweetheart 32(M) for 14 years. He broke up with me the day before my birthday and 3 days before the anniversary of my mom’s d**th. He felt like our life together had become very stagnant, and he wanted more out of life. Also he was having a “flirtation” with a married older woman at work.

After the initial break up we kind of talked about it possibly being more like a break and in 6 months we could possibly see about getting back together. He said he realized how terrible of a boyfriend he had been, and he wanted the time away to become someone who I deserve. This was the end of June. I gave him until July to find a place, and move out.

Since we shared everything at this point-I mean 14 years is a LONG time, we needed to really detach everything so we spent most of July working out how the split would go. Well that all ended on a very drunken night where he got violent.

I didn’t press charges because I know he was black out drunk, but did file a police report, stayed with family while he moved out, and told him we’d have to split up everything via txt/email. He says that he doesn’t remember being violent, and that it wasn’t actually him who did everything to me, and that he should still be able to prove he is the best man he can be for me.

He said that it is a special thing that he is the ONLY person I’ve had s**ual relationships with, and that I should wait to be with anyone else for that 6 months like our original discussion. He told me that if I were to be with other people I’d be “tainted”, and he could never get back together with me. I immediately slept with someone else.

I feel like he’s very m**ipulative, and thought maybe he could get me back. He says I ruined everything,he was going to stay the love of my life, was even going to do everything right the next time around, and was even going to ask me to marry him. I don’t think he deserves any more of my time, but did I go about it the wrong way with hooking up with someone else???

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Stellar_Star_Seed −  He’s flirting with women at work and dumped you. Why are we still talking about what you did after that. You’re free.

chaingun_samurai −  He says I ruined everything,he was going to stay the love of my life, was even going to do everything right the next time around, and was even going to ask me to marry him.. Lies. All lies.

localittlewitch −  NTA. This man got violent & refused to even take accountability for it. Congratulations on your escape! You aren’t “tainted” by being with other people. Especially since, let’s be so for real, that man was absolutely planning to sleep around during your “break.” Sounds like he’s a violent, misogynistic, douchebag. Wishing you all the healing you deserve.

AshamedLeg4337 −  Seems smart to me. “Oh, this is the way I can permanently lose the favor and interest of someone who was violent towards me? Noted.”

Tricky_Moose_1078 −  So he wanted to break up for 6 months so he could go bang some married women, then after 6 months come back to you who will be waiting with open arms. Also during this 6 months you had to not sleep with anyone and save yourself for him so you are not “tainted”.

This is full of so many red flags and I haven’t even mentioned getting blackout drunk and the physical abuse. You are not the a**hole, if I was you I would have gone full a**hole and told him that the next 6 months are going to be my hoe phase.

dr_lucia −  After the initial break up we kind of talked about it possibly being more like a break and in 6 months we could possibly see about getting back together. Negotiating a temporary break up is never a good idea. It should be assumed permanent….Should that ever change unexpectedly it changes *when it changes*. The “temporary” break up has murky rules.. where he got violent. Whoa!

He says that he doesn’t remember being violent, So? You do. Act on reality, not his memory. he should still be able to prove he is the best man he can be for me. Why? Sorry, but even without the violence, you don’t “owe” him the right to break up while keeping you on a string. Move on with your life.

he is the ONLY person I’ve had s**ual relationships with, and that I should wait to be with anyone else for that 6 months-like our original discussion. This is a ridiculous suggestion. If you break up, you break up. I immediately slept with someone else. I get it. Maybe not a great move or reason– but if you don’t regret this, then it’s absolutely fine.

You get to decide if you want to have s** with someone. You aren’t you don’t become a man’s s**ual property just because he was your first. He says I ruined everything,he was going to stay the love of my life, was even going to do everything right the next time around, and was even going to ask me to marry him.

Hahaha! Marrying him would be a big mistake *for you*!! I don’t think he deserves any more of my time, but did I go about it the wrong way with hooking up with someone else??? He doesn’t deserve more of your time. Is this the best way to d**p a guy you are trying to get away from? Perhaps not. But such is life.

If you didn’t get an STD or pregnant and didn’t hurt the guy you had s** with, you did ok. If it was fun and enjoyable– bonus points for you! You certainly did better than saving yourself for your violent, cheatin’ ex who “wants a break”! You are NTA.

UsualConcept6870 −  You did so well! You were mature about the timing, you recognized the danger and made a report to keep a trail. You got away.  Now make sure you stay away. He can be as sweet and nice as he wants (it is possible he would “get over” you sleeping with someone only to use it everytime he wants to get to you), but you saw the real him. Now just make sure he can never hurt you again. 

RainbowsandCoffee966 −  Wait…if you slept with someone else you would be tainted, but if he slept with someone else he wouldn’t be tainted? Why do some men think like this?

neverfearcovid −  Why is this a question? You really don’t know??? Feels like a karma farming post with so many upvotes in the first 10 mins

Confident_Kangaroo95 −  Update: I’ve actually never been on Reddit but I love these stories being read on videos because it always seems like the person gets good feedback and I need that in my life.  I really didn’t expect this much feedback, but I really appreciate it! So to clear up a couple things:

1. Me and ex grew up in a Very religious place that we disagreed with, as well as went through immigration stuff where people pushed us towards marriage. So we actually never wanted to get married. I actually still don’t think marriage is in the cards for me.

He decided a couple years ago it would “look more serious” and played around at getting married but I’ve honestly never been interested in it. I was obviously committed to him since I was only with him my entire adult life and assumed he was the same.

We had everything in both our names and even hand power of attorney over each other so we could make medical/financial decisions if the other person couldn’t do so. I kinda think marriage is an outdated religious institution held on by a piece of paper with tax breaks that wouldn’t have helped me.

2. The guy I hooked up with was a sweet guy who was always kinda like “if your man ever gives you up” so I knew if he knew I was single and made a move he’d take me up on it. And we’ve since become kinda friends with benefits because we’re both not wanting to jump into anything…

3. I have blocked and cut ties with my ex, this question has just been bothering me because it’s coming up on that 6th month mark. He wanted to re-kindle things in December.

4.  I’ve never thought of myself as a hook up or friends with benefits type of person so I actually surprised myself by being so bold.

5. I feel like I couldn’t lie well enough if I actually didn’t hook up with someone since I’m so inexperienced, to pretend to be with someone.

6. I don’t regret it, I just worry that by trying to take back control over my life, things are going to get out of control.

7. I know I should have probably just told him no way in hell we could be together again, but he knows how to f**k with me. And after 14 years I knew sleeping with someone else was the ultimate way to f**k with him so I just did it which is probably not the smartest move…

Do you think the user’s decision to sleep with someone else was justified as a way to break free, or do you believe it escalated an already difficult situation? How would you handle the lingering influence of a manipulative ex? Share your thoughts below!