AITA for punishing my son after he said something r**ist?’

A mother (39F) disciplined her 13-year-old son after he made a racist joke when a Chinese delivery driver arrived at their home, saying, “Make sure to hide the cat from the Chinese guy!” The driver heard the comment and was visibly upset.

In response, the mother had her son write a heartfelt apology, along with two one-page essays—one on Chinese culture and another on the impact of racist jokes. She then took her son to the restaurant to read his apology aloud to the driver, who appreciated the gesture and shared his experiences of facing racism on the job.

However, the mother’s husband (43M) criticized the punishment, arguing that it was too harsh and embarrassing for their son, dismissing the incident as “just a joke.” The mother feels conflicted about whether her reaction was too extreme but maintains that racism has no place in their home.

‘ AITA for punishing my son after he said something r**ist?’

About a week ago, my (39F) family ordered Chinese food for delivery. When the delivery driver came to the door, my daughter (16F) was taking the cat upstairs to put in her room because he always tries to eat the food. My son (13M) loudly says, “Make sure the hide the cat from the Chinese guy!” as I am at the door getting the food from the Chinese delivery driver.

He very obviously heard what my son said and was upset by it. I quickly apologized and took the food. I told my son that r**ist jokes were completely unacceptable and very wrong and he refused to admit that he was in the wrong.

So, later that night I forced my son to write a sincere apology to the delivery driver, (his name was on the receipt) as well as write a one page paper on Chinese culture and a one page paper on why racism is perpetuated by r**ist jokes and stereotypes.

Then the next day I took him to the restaurant and had him read his apology aloud to the delivery driver as well as give him the papers he wrote. The driver was very appreciative of the apology and thanked me for making my son do it.

He then told my son about multiple instances where he had faced r**ist comments and attacks from people while he was a delivery driver. That night my husband (43M) and I got into an argument about me making our son do this.

He told me that it was embarrassing for our son to have to do the apology and that the “punishment didn’t fit the crime”. I told him that it was much more embarrassing for the driver to have to face that kind of racism and r**ist stereotypes and that our son would get over the embarrassment.

I do not condone any kind of hateful thinking in my house, and the fact that my son said that embarrassed me as well. My husband told me that it was “just a joke” and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I feel like I might have over reacted some but I think it’s important to help my son understand how what he said was wrong and hurtful.

Lets dive into the reactions from Reddit:

dellaevaine −  NTA. Sounds like your husband could use the lesson too.

dstar_shark −  NTA. your son may have been embarrassed, but he SHOULD be embarrassed for having said a r**ist joke. that kind of joke is meant to embarrass and humiliate the target (the delivery guy).

you did right by your son by turning that around and showing him that his attitudes and “jokes” are the real embarrassment. soon he will be too old to teach not to be r**ist. you are a great parent and i hope your son takes this lesson to heart.

FinallyKat −  NTA. Your husband’s attitude is precisely the problem and is why systemic racism continues to propigate in this country. Kudos to you for a very just and well thought out lesson for your son, which I hope he can truly learn from and perhaps help solve some of the issues that are breaking our society apart.

Perhaps your husband needs to do some similar homework in r ed grads to what racism is and how it harms not simply the people it is directed at, but all people as a whole.
Honestly, I am so proud of you (in the most non-condesending way possible) for being such an excellent example of a person for your family.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You held him accountable for his actions. What he said was not funny, it was wildly inappropriate and also hurtful. The reason his behavior is so wrong, is because that stereotype that Asians eat cats and dogs, comes from this n**ty belief that all Asians are b**baric people.

This prejudice dates really far back, and became even more prevalent during and following WWII. The fact that this prejudice still exists despite the American o**ession with Japanese anime and K-Pop, says a lot, it really does. This is why education is so important, and that is exactly what you gave your son.

hijinx-ensue −  The punishment *exactly* fit the crime. You wanted your son to understand the consequences fo his actions, for individuals and for the culture at large. Your decision was smart and thoughtful, and more apropos than grounding him or whatever else.

I’m particularly confused that your husband objects to the apology. Asking a teenager to apologize to someone they were extremely rude to is baseline responsible parenting.. NTA

Deathsongg −  NTA. You did the right thing. You 100% held him accountable and that delivery driver deserved an apology.

Little-bit_ −  NTA. My God, set up a parenting school or start a magazine or something! Amazing! How did your son feel about it after writing the letter and essay and then after meeting the driver?

krombopulos_rob −  NTA, you’re son did something wrong and you corrected him. That’s all there is to it. Your husband however seems like he condones that kind of humor and chances are your son picked it up from him. Not sure if that’s the case, but it is 100% a learned behavior.

plsuh −  NTA. You handled your son’s misbehavior appropriately. Now for the bigger problem — where did he learn such dumbassery? Hint: which parent is minimizing and making excuses for such racism?

You need to have it out with your husband about (A) having your back when you discipline your son, and (B) WTF kind of r**ist s**t is he teaching your kids?

Diskordant77 −  Can I go a little against the grain here and say NAH? I think you and your husband believe differently about the severity of a 13yo making an inappropriate joke.

From other comments you made it sounds like he doesn’t have a problem with the research paper or the written apology but only with forcing him to read it to the delivery driver in front of other people. Public speaking is often quoted as being feared more than d**th so I can understand why he might think that was just one step too far.

I think his opinion as your son’s father is valid, as well as your opinion as his mother. I personally think it’s great what you did and applaud you, but not TA implies your husband is and I just think there isn’t enough evidence for that.

Was this mother right to insist on the apology, or did she take it too far? Do you think embarrassment is a valid way to teach empathy in situations like this? Let’s discuss in the comments!