AITA for “punishing” my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations because my Dad screwed me and my wife over?

A Reddit user shares their frustration over a misunderstanding with their father regarding a promised financial gift for their home down payment. After learning that the money would only suffice for a home in a much cheaper area, the user and their wife decided to forgo vacations, birthday celebrations, and family holidays to save up for a down payment in their current city of Colorado.

The father, feeling slighted, accused the user of punishing the family for not meeting their expectations. This conflict raises questions about familial obligations and financial planning. For the full story, read below…

‘ AITA for “punishing” my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations because my Dad screwed me and my wife over?’

When my wife and I were talking about getting married, my Dad said that he would give us a down payment for a home. We were thrilled and kept that in mind. We would be able to afford a good starter home with his help, and we scrimped and saved to add to it.

Except apparently HE meant “a sum of money good for a down payment for a house near us” where the cost of living is low. He did not ever mean a down payment for a home in Colorado, where my wife and I have lived since we were in college. He said he thought I would be “smart enough” to realize that we’d need to move somewhere with a lower COL than Colorado.

He keeps saying “move to a cheaper city.” Our lives are here. Our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. You can’t exactly leave your house and be up on top of a 14,000ft peak in 6 hours where my family is. I told him that we had never talked about moving back there, and we never would.

That we would rather be stuck renting for a while longer than be stuck somewhere we didn’t want to be, and the “move to a cheaper city” wouldn’t work for us. He said “so be it” and gave us the amount and that was that. I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money. It is still towards the goal.

Well because of this shift in our finances, we have had to make a lot of changes to save up the rest of the money. We have had to cut out vacations, birthday gifts, holidays, etc. We won’t be traveling home for a few years. At our current rate, we should have an ok down payment by the end of next year (2025).

My Dad confronted us about this because we won’t come for a summer break trip and told me that I was being a s**fish, e**itled b**t because I hadn’t gotten my way. That I was essentially punishing the rest of the family because we “assumed” what his gift would be.

I told him that I was grateful for the amount he gave us, but that it means we do need to buckle down and save every penny if we want to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Even townhouses around us are easily over 400k, and that’s for the sketchy ones.. But is my Dad right? AITA?.

See what others had to share with OP:

mercy_fulfate −  info: did he give you the amount he said he would? because if he did i fail to see how he screwed you over

Molenium −  Your dad “screwed” you and your wife… by giving you money?. But less than you had hoped for? If you can’t afford to travel, that’s one thing, but trying to portray this as your family screwing you over somehow… yikes. That’s a definite YTA from me.

embopbopbopdoowop −  YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over. He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over.

Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.

[Reddit User] −  Why don’t you do some critical thinking and maybe ask them to come visit you this time? Idk, you guys are both assholes in this situation. Yall need to communicate better and find a resolution

Skyward93 −  NTA-I live on the west coast and my family is on the east coast. It is so expensive now to travel. People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an a**hole for leaving but it’s really not fair. If you want to save for a house I get not wanting to visit. They can always visit you or offer to help pay travel expenses if they really want to see you.

Emotional-Ebb8321 −  He gave you money, accepting that you would be putting it toward a house where you live now rather than near him. And you respond by, essentially, cutting him out of your life and tightening your belt? YTA

RandomDerpBot −  You said your dad “screwed you over” by giving you free money, and you’re wondering if YTA? I think the answer is pretty apparent.

Radiant_Humor5110 −  I’m amazed at the number of people that get money from their parents for a home, down payment, etc. It must be really nice. Then this AH is saying his dad screwed him over…by giving him money. Just not enough money. YTA- your dad didn’t HAVE to give you any money. It’s like you’re blaming him because YOU chose to live in a HCOL area.

biffmaniac −  So let me get this straight. Your dad offered you money, and gave it to you. He’d like for you to move home but that isn’t happening. Now, you are struggling with the costs of the area you chose to live in and your punishing your dad for “screwing you over”?

Based on what I’m reading here, he gave you what he said he would. Somehow, you feel e**itled to more. Either that or it is his fault that Colorado has a HCOL. From what I read, YTA. Make your choices and live with them.

sanguinepsychologist −  Hang on. So … what you’re doing is saving money for a house, therefore cutting out all travel and fun expenses to get there ? Valid.
Of course it means you won’t be able to join on those things organised by someone else. Valid.. NTA for that.

However … your father did not s**ew you over. You made a lot of assumptions on something that he didn’t have to do for you in the first place. A giant error of communication on both your parts, but you’re the one who seems to be holding it over his head in your use of language. For that, yes. Y-T-A.

Do you think the user is justified in their decision to cut back on family celebrations, or is their father right to feel hurt? How would you handle financial misunderstandings with family members? Share your thoughts below!