AITA for prioritising my parrot over my stepdaughters wedding?

A Reddit user shared a story about the emotional tension between her and her stepdaughter ahead of a wedding. The issue? The stepmother declined an invitation to help with wedding preparations, citing her commitment to caring for her rescued macaw, a bird with special needs. Her stepdaughter viewed this as a personal rejection, accusing her of prioritizing a pet over family. The situation sparked a heartfelt conversation that led to positive steps toward rebuilding their relationship. Read the full story below to see how it all unfolded.

‘ AITA for prioritising my parrot over my stepdaughters wedding?’

So I’m the owner of a wonderful rescued macaw. She is a wonderful bird but has a lot of issues due to an abusive former home. I’ve had her for 3 years and since then haven’t taken any vacations or trips away as it would be too disruptive for her.

She distrusts everyone and is very reliant on her routine. I love her deeply and I’m happy to make sacrifices for her. They are permanent toddlers and very intelligent birds. I met my husband by the time his kids were older, my stepdaughter was 16 at the time. We married when she moved away for college.

Nevertheless I thought we’d managed to have a decent relationship, until now… my stepdaughter is getting married in March, and naturally there’s a lot of preparation involved. They’re wanting a huge traditional wedding and she is stressed out of her mind.

They live out of state, and she invited me recently to come visit her for a week to help make wedding plans and spend time with their 2yo. I declined and she insisted to know why, acting very hurt, and I explained the parrot… Well jt all went downhill from there.

She caused a massive fuss with her dad, saying she never got a mother figure and I never accepted her as my full blood daughter and this is the ultimate snub for a silly animal. That I’m cold and emotionless… I feel really hurt and I can tell he agrees with her even though he’s refusing to take sides. But I don’t see why I should be expected to take holiday time off work to babysit and “bond” all of a sudden and I don’t see how I’m a monster for this… am I the a**hole here?

Edit: context of our relationship, we don’t usually talk at all and she hasn’t visited home in 4 years.

Edit 2: Beginning to think it was maybe a mistake posting this. Mostly because this is a real and nuanced situation and reddit is no place for nuance, and maybe personal relationships shouldn’t be judged in the AH context in the first place. But also because I should be more understanding and a bigger person regardless of who is or isn’t the a**hole. Life is too short to be butthurt and offended.

I called my stepdaughter and told her that I understand this is a big moment in her life and she wants someone there to help and support her, and that I’m still willing to help her in any way I can to plan the wedding via zoom and virtually.

We talked a bit and I asked her why she hadn’t accepted me reaching out in the past and she apologised and said she didn’t want to accept someone as a stand-in, “fake” replacement for her bio mom, but now she regrets it and would like a closer relationship, especially seeing how close her SO is with his mom.

We ended the conversation positively and I’m hoping things can improve going forward. I told her I’m a crazy bird lady and asked her if she still wants a relationship knowing that and she said that after the wedding she’s willing to travel to visit us if we have room… which we do. I’ll leave this post up but I’m happy either way and I’m glad the feedback here motivated me to make the call.

See what others had to share with OP:

Itsnotfull −  Question. Are you literally never going to leave the bird ever again? If so that is not healthy

Kirin2013 −  Unless you know parrots in general (and how people finicky they can be, especially abused ones), this isn’t an animal you can simply drop off at a pet sitter. OP could lose the previously abused birds trust if the bird thinks OP had abandoned them.

Same time, you are already associating \*bonding\* as being a free babysitter. Also, a last minute one at that. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. Just sounded a little callous, but then again you are NOT obligated to be her babysitter. NTA.

Ka-Ka-Master −  I’d normally say you were an a**hole for putting a bird before family, but you’ve made it clear she’s been pretty distant with you. The thing about realtionships (*all* realtionships) is they require effort and attention.

Just because you’re related (by blood or law) doesn’t mean someone is entitled to your presence, especially if the realtionship isn’t exactly a good one. You aren’t the a**hole. I assume if your realtionship were better, you’d make more of an effort. You’re still going, so it isn’t like you’re *skipping* the wedding.. NTA, I don’t blame you.

Edit: also, my sister has twins and more often than not, “spending time” with the kids means baby sitting them, this doesn’t sound like a vacation, but a desire to put you to work.

wolfpupower −  NTA- macaws and parrots are not just “birds” like budgies where you can ask a pet sitter to feed and water them all week. Macaws are like gifted children who scream and can rip your fingers off. They are a 80 year commitment and often only bond to a single person. Birds in general are extremely sensitive to any environmental changes so someone who doesn’t know what they are doing can hurt or even kill the macaw.

Shame on everyone for saying “choosing an animal over family” like it’s a bad thing. The macaw seems more like family than her step daughter. If it was that big of a deal then step daughter would help make accommodations rather than just want a baby sitter.

[Reddit User] −  NTA, because it sounds like she was trying to get free childcare and labor out of you rather than wanting bonding time. Your title made it sound like you’d be missing the wedding. You definitely need to go to the wedding, because at that point you’re taking it too far putting the bird over family. Maybe offer if there’s anything you can do to help prepare from home, if that’s something you want to do.

ETA: if you are going to make sure to make it to the wedding, you need to clarify that in the post, because I think a lot of people are reading this as you saying you won’t be going to the wedding.

ndcollector −  INFO: How are you going to attend an out-of-state wedding in March, if you can’t leave the state in January? It’s going to be a multi-day trip…

Livid-Association199 −  **NTA.** You shouldn’t be expected to put your life aside for somebody who hasn’t even visited in four years. Now that she needs help she chooses to pull this guilt trip over her needing a mother figure? No. Stay with your baby bird who is devoted to you. F**k that

It_s_just_me −  NTA, you took responsibility of owning very demanding pet. Your stepdaughter know about it since you have the parrot for 3 years, and if she is considering you being mother figure I assume she is interested in your life enough to know your limitations. Or does your relationship go only one way and she assume she will be always on receiving end?

Feather757 −  NTA. You don’t usually talk, she hasn’t visited you in 4 years, but now she wants something from you, so she expects you to drop everything and come stay with her for a week, and she’s throwing a tantrum because you won’t. She’s TA, not you.

Soggy-Improvement960 −  Wow. All you people who are saying that OP is the a h. She met stepdaughter’s dad when the girl was 16. Not 6! Then the stepdaughter went to college 2-3 years later. How much bonding do you think they did? Y’all keep saying OP is the only mother figure she had, while we don’t really know about the girl’s actual mother.

It’s more likely that the girl thinks of OP as ‘Dad’s wife and not my mom’. How many of you would leave their “presshus furbaby” who has separation anxiety in order to drop things for a week, to help provide free childcare to someone?. Some redditors be crazy. OP, you are NTA. Your bird has suffered n**lect for 15 years, and if it doesn’t trust anyone else, I also wouldn’t leave it to stress and starve.

Do you think the stepmother was justified in prioritizing her parrot’s well-being, or should she have made more of an effort to support her stepdaughter in person? How do you balance commitments to pets and family obligations? Share your thoughts and experiences below!