AITA for posting a tribute of my late-girlfriend onto FB who died during the 9/11 attacks?

A Reddit user shares how a tribute post for their late girlfriend, who tragically passed away in the 9/11 attacks, caused conflict with their wife. The tribute was meant as a heartfelt remembrance, but it led to accusations of disrespect and hurt feelings. Read the original story below:

‘ AITA for posting a tribute of my late-girlfriend onto FB who died during the 9/11 attacks?’

I lost my late-girlfriend on 9/11 when TWC towers collapsed (she was on the 67th floor). I had no calls or texts from her, all I hope is that her last moments were painless and fearless. This year I suffered a near-death accident. After it, I did a lot of looking back on my life…

and having lost family and friends in tragic ways I decided to stop taking things for granted and began cherishing the people I am close with. So for this year, I posted a tribute for my late-girlfriend onto my FB. It was just 4 pictures (1 of her, 2 of us holding hands/hugging, and 1 of us in her office when she first got hired).

I wasn’t too over-romantic, but said “I’ll always miss you, and you will always be a big part of who I am. I hope you are proud of me.” A few hours later though my wife texted me and was furious. She asked if I loved her or if I wanted to get a divorce. She told me it was slap her in face to post my ex onto my FB.

Of course I love my wife more than anything, and my intentions were not to harm her in anyway, so I felt guilty and took down the post. Was I out of line here? I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt my wife, I just wanted people to know what a great person my late-GF was.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

findlesthehuman −  YTA but very gently. Hear me out. As someone who has also lost a significant other, I totally understand where you’re coming from. She was a big part of your life for a time, and those events obviously shaped you into who you are today. I’m sure you think of her often.

It’s entirely possible to fully love your wife, and still miss your ex. That said, I think you could’ve worded your post differently to be just a bit more sensitive to your wife. Something along the lines of “remembering you today” rather than “I will always miss you” would’ve relayed the same sentiment, without making your wife feel like you’re pining after a past love.

Other commentators are saying that your wife is insecure, which she might be, but it’s a difficult situation for her to be in. She might logically understand that jealousy or insecurity over a dead woman is completely irrational, but that doesn’t stop her from feeling that emotion.

I’ve done the same dance with my current partner. I’d advise you to offer her some reassurance, and keep an open dialogue about your feelings and your ex with her, if you don’t already.

loquaciouslimonite −  YTA. Not for making a tribute, but for making a romantic tribute. It is probably humiliating for your wife to have both of you guys’ friends and family see you post pictures of you holding hands and romantically embracing another woman. Now she may have to explain things to other people. What you did is pretty insensitive.

ToastedMaple −  Yta. Why did you post it on fb? You think she’s on ghost fb checking out your page? Leave that s**t out of social media. You’re just looking for others to give you attention. Go donate somewhere to help those who are living after the event. Or go volunteer to do something in her name. Posting this s**t on fb is useless.

AuthorTomFrost −  I don’t think you’re an a**hole, but man was that a bad idea. **Edit:** Thanks for the awards. Making my day.

Beachy5313 −  YTA. Let’s look at it this way: If GF didn’t die, you probably would have stayed with her. If GF didn’t die, you’d never have met your wife and have the life you have now. If you were really over your deceased GF you wouldn’t be posting about her saying you’ll “always miss” her.

From wife’s POV, if you’re still missing her, it’s because you really wanted her and wife is just the consolation prize- you couldn’t have who you wanted and you miss her, but wife is fine enough. She’s gone a bit overboard with asking if you want a divorce but to her you are signaling that you want old GF back.

You need to really think about why your current friends and family had to know what a great person your GF from 15 years ago was when they all know you have a wife that you claim to love.

Coughingandhacking −  YTA… it’s the way you worded it. It does sound just…. not like something a happily married man should be posting. While it’s innocent enough, it just doesn’t come off right either. I believe that you didn’t intend for it to come off in any sort of “My wife is 2nd place compared to dead GF!” but I totally understand why your wife got upset.

ShelfLifeInc −  I decided to stop taking things for granted and began cherishing the people I am close with. INFO: have you ever posted a public romantic message about your wife on FB? On her birthday or your anniversary?

Because if you put this kind of effort (finding and posting the photos, writing the text) for your ex-girlfriend, but never for your wife… then I can see why she’d consider this a slap in the face.

AudgeDre −  A gentle YTA. This is something you should have talked about with your wife before posting. If you had a conversation about it, she may have been more understanding, especially given what happened to you recently. Putting an emotional post up about another woman without even talking to your wife probably made her panic and confused.

longestsummer −  NAH I can understand both your intention and her reaction. Explain the feelings you mentioned in this post to her and maybe post something a bit more general. You can still write a letter or do a kind of prayer to your late girlfriend, but I understand that your wife is upset about how public you made your feelings for someone else

nymphaetamine −  Oof, YTA. I’m sorry for your loss but man this was a bad idea. Why not just quietly remember your ex on your own? You HAD to know that a romantic post about her that your wife would see wouldn’t go over well. It’s tragic that she died, but posting a loving tribute to your ex complete with multiple pics of you together was **incredibly** insensitive to your wife.

It hints that she’s your second choice and you’d still be with the ex if she hadn’t passed. Lovey dovey pics and you literally said you’ll always miss her… Ouch. That IS a slap in the face to your wife. How shocked and hurt she must have felt when she saw that. Call me dramatic but I’d be done with the marriage if I were her.

I don’t think I would ever be able to get past the hurt and humiliation of being next-best while you’ve pined and reminisced for almost 2 decades over what could have been with your ex. It doesn’t matter that she’s not a ‘threat’ anymore,

such a romantically-charged post conveys that she still holds a big enough chunk of your heart for you to announce to all your friends and family how much you still care about her and that cut your wife right to the core. You are allowed to care about your ex and mourn her death.

She was ripped away without warning and that’s damn hard to get over. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have to consider your wife’s feelings as well. It’s not fair to throw out such a public reminder that she has to share your heart with someone else forever.

You’d have been fine posting maybe a single pic of your ex(not of you two together) along with a nice message saying she was a great person who’ll always be remembered by her loved ones, but what you posted just screamed *pining for a lost love*. It’s time to double up on making your wife feel loved, appreciated, and above all CHOSEN.

Was the Redditor’s tribute a heartfelt way to honor someone dear, or should they have considered their wife’s feelings more carefully? How do you balance honoring the past while nurturing the present? Share your thoughts in the comments below.