AITA for planning a Disney trip without my stepdaughter and leaving her with her father?

A mother (41F) planned a Disney trip for her children and nephew, excluding her 16-year-old stepdaughter (SD), who often complains and ruins family activities once others show enthusiasm. Since SD expressed no interest in Disney and her father couldn’t join due to work, the mother decided SD would stay home with him.

The husband believes this makes her the bad person, but she wanted to avoid SD’s negativity affecting the trip, especially for her nephew battling cancer. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for planning a Disney trip without my stepdaughter and leaving her with her father?’

I (41F) and my husband (41M) have four children. I have one child from a previous relationship, he has two, and we have one together. We have always treated the children as equally as possible, though with extended family, they don’t always go on the same trips if we don’t go.

Ex: his parents take his children on vacations and my child doesn’t want to go without me. This has never been an issue. But when we plan trips, we always take everyone. The problem is that my SD (16 f) doesn’t really like anything that anyone else does. Or she will like it until someone else does.

Ex: she really wanted to go on a winter trip to Colorado for skiing. None of the other children were that excited, but seeing as it’s hard to find things she likes, we went. She was excited until the other kids started enjoying it too, then she wanted to leave.

This is pretty much what happens when we went on trips to the zoo, museums, anything. And if other people are already happy about it, she immediately hates the idea. We thought maybe she just wanted time with each parent alone. So we did that with both her mom and dad.

She still complained the whole time. Her counselor said maybe she wants activities with both parents to show they get along. They did that but if they show any enjoyment at all, she hates whatever they are doing. We’ve done girl days with her mom and I and she hates it.

We have found the less enthusiastic we are, the more she wants to do it. This applies to meals too. If someone else likes something, she finds ways to criticize it. It’s like she can’t let anyone else enjoy anything. She also likes things more if no one else wants to do them.

This also happens when she goes with her aunt and cousins. Her sister is not like this at all. We’ve asked her if she has any insight (their mother has too) and she comes up with nothing other than, “She’s just a b***h” and shrugs. We let her choose other day trips, told her she can bring her friend, but it’s the same.

If she sees someone like something she chose, she complains and says it was her idea like no one else can enjoy it. So this year, we had been talking about Disney for a while. My nephew has cancer and has always wanted to go with us because he has no siblings and not many friends because he’s missed a lot of school.

SD said it was stupid as soon as everyone else wanted to go. Her father said he would have a lot of work to catch up on when he got back. He does seasonal work and has to take the work while he can.

The kids agreed that they wanted to go and he wanted us to, so I made the plans and we decided to go back another year with all of us. I made the reservations for myself, sister, nephew, and 3 of our children, deciding SD can stay back with dad since she didn’t want to go anyway.

My husband says ITA for not planning for her to come too but I don’t want her ruining the trip with complaints with my nephew there. Aita?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

ByronicPan −  NTA, I’d only advice, you, your partner and the child’s mother to focus more on her mental health treatment because this thing sounds very pathological to say the least

iseeisayibe −  NTA. Reddit is gonna hate this, but hormonal contrarian teens should not be able to hold their families hostage like she has. Y’all have treated her like a small child with a terminal diagnosis, and that’s not doing her any favors. She needs boundaries and a mental health professional.

It wouldn’t hurt for all of her parents (bio & step) to be in therapy, too (family & solo). As for this not being “fair”, it isn’t fair to make your other kids put up with her b**lshit. It isn’t fair to make her go on a vacation she’ll abhor. Your husband is wrong.

chasingkaty −  INFO; Have any of the grown ups ever sat her down and asked her why she does this? She’s 16, she’s old enough to have a calm conversation about why she complains as soon as someone else likes something she enjoys. Maybe the fact you speak to her about it may help her realise someone has noticed (if she’s trying to get station by doing it).

AdmirableSwing3138 −  NTA, it sounds like she is struggling to find her individuality. I wasn’t this extreme but I definitely thought if I liked things people weren’t keen on or didn’t know about that I was unique and it was special. I didn’t want to like the same things as everyone else either.

I’m glad to say I grew out of it when I wanted to enjoy things with others and share experiences. You’re doing a great job trying to help her figure it out, splitting time and activities with all parents.

I think not bringing her is the perfect solution for everyone, you deserve to enjoy any vacation but especially such a pricy one I wouldn’t risk an upset. My advice for when she starts grumping at places is to straight up ignore her. Keep having your fun and let her learn to join.

dontlikebeige −  NTA, but don’t get bogged down in her behavioral problem.  Just say, SD said she didn’t want to go.  Staying home with you is what she wanted. The plans are made.  Honestly, your husband is mostly ticked off that he is in charge of his daughter while you are gone.  He was hoping to have the time time himself.  Well, tough.  

Kaynico −  NTA She’s 16. Plenty old enough to lay in the bed she makes.  She said she didn’t want to go, so plans were made with her not going. She’ll learn quick, hard, and fast in the real world that nobody wants to waste time or energy on a selfish, entitled killjoy.

Waste_Worker6122 −  NTA. Disney is s**t-ton expensive; why would you want to take someone who clearly doesn’t want to go (or only wants to come along to s**t stir?).

seth928 −  INFO: Have you talked to your SD directly about this? She’s old enough to have a conversation that starts with, “Look, when you act like this it lowers the enjoyment of everyone else. It’s to the point that it’s not fair to your siblings.”

What was her response? Basically, have you addressed the behavior directly with her and given her a chance to change it? And to be clear it needs to be\have been a conversation that isn’t “in the moment”.

Nester1953 −  SD: I don’t want to go.. You: OK, you don’t have to go. Husband: Oh no, you must take SD with you! You’re an A if you don’t take SD with you!
Nope. If SD wanted to go and you excluded her, that would be a problem.

But from the sound of it, she’s made it abundantly clear that she thinks this trip is stupid and she has no desire to participate. What purpose would be served by forcing her to participate?. NTA

Should everyone have been included despite the potential issues? Share your perspective below!