AITA for picking a fight with my in-laws because they didn’t attend my mom’s funeral?

A grieving woman was deeply hurt after her in-laws skipped most of her mom’s funeral. Though they offered to watch her kids, another family member stepped in, allowing the in-laws to attend. They arrived late to the funeral service and missed the luncheon entirely, choosing instead to thank the babysitter with their own lunch.

The woman and her husband distanced themselves from the in-laws, especially since the apology was only sent to him. Now she’s unsure if her response was justified. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for picking a fight with my in-laws because they didn’t attend my mom’s funeral?’

I’m (42F) lost my mom in March. My husband (43M) and I have two young boys ages 5 and 2. I was very close to my mom and the loss has been extremely difficult for me. I spent the week before the funeral with my family choosing flowers, going through old photos, and having the kids draw pictures to display at the viewing.

My family is close and I found much comfort spending time with them. The funeral was a one-day service on a Saturday with a 9am-noon visitation and a luncheon immediately after.

My best friend was scheduled to babysit my children but on Friday she texted that she had the flu so I asked my in-laws to watch the kids instead. Fast-forward to Friday evening when one of my husband’s three brothers volunteered to babysit instead so my in-laws could go to the funeral.

On Saturday, my husband and I went to the funeral at 9:00. Family and friends came to pay their respects throughout the morning. At 11:15, my husband’s immediate family still had not come to the funeral. Strange. But eventually, my mother-in-law and father-in-law arrived for the final portion of the service.

Once the service was over, my husband and I went to pick up our kids for the luncheon. My mother-in-law said that they will meet us at lunch. The lunch was jovial and very nice. But my in-laws never showed up despite my husband calling and texting them.

I found out later that they decided to forgo the funeral lunch and instead took my husband’s brother and fiancé to lunch as an appreciation for watching my kids. I was very hurt that my husband’s parents and his grown siblings and their fiancés did not attend the service or lunch.

I told my husband and he agreed so we decided to give ourselves some space and spend Easter away from his family. It’s been two weeks now and I have not spoken to them. My mother-in-law texted my husband to apologize but she did not apologize to me.

AITA for wanting to distance my family from my in-laws for not attending all of my mom’s funeral?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Trick_Delivery4609 −  NTA. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. Whoa. I can’t even wrap my head around ANY of the y. T. A. on here.
I have been to many funerals of friend’s parents. I went to support my friends. I did not know their parents well but absolutely still went.

Same with ANY family or family’s inlaws and coworkers too. I went to support the living as they grieved their losses. The only excuse is sickness or too far away to travel realistically or a job that doesn’t allow you to take off (but most should) or caring for someone who can’t attend.

(In that case, one of us went while the other stayed home with the kid.) You have every right to be upset. Your husband probably should have told them what to expect and what he expected them to do. Some people don’t get funeral etiquette I think.

Personally, I think that your inlaws haven’t had to deal with grief and funerals close at hand in their own lives and are a little out of touch. I used to be like that too, before close family died. Once that happened, I was A LOT better at paying my respects and reaching out better.

It is definitely something you learn after it happens to you and you figure out what you would want friends to do for you. I hope you can go to a grief group or something. Those are pretty helpful. But give yourself lots of time and space to grieve. The first year is the absolute worst. It still hurts later- but comes in waves.

Teradonia −  NTA at all. I really don’t know where these others are coming from. Funerals are for the people thay love you to support you. Assuming you have a positive relationship with your in-laws I think they’re pretty callous.

My husbands family banded together for me when my mom got sick and supported me from afar and absolutely would have attended the funeral if it was in the same country that we live. Again assuming you have a good relationship with them I would broach the question of why.

Maybe they had their own reasons, something about mortality or another reasonable reason. I’m not saying write them off but ask why because it’s absolutely understandable to be hurt. You’re married to their son they are your family too.

wannabyte −  NTA – it would be one thing if they told you not to expect them, but they agreed to come to the funeral lunch and then flaked. That is so disrespectful.

PippaSqueakster −  NTA. You’ve been with your husband for at least 5 years. The least his family could have done was be there for you out of respect for you and because after all this time, you are family. Even if they weren’t that close to your mom, they should have been there to support you.

They were only there for a small portion of the service and said they’d see you at lunch but didn’t show up for that? All these people saying YTA, what the heck? Don’t you consider your in-laws family?

ICP_Wolverine −  NTA with regard to your husband’s parents. It sounds like your husband’s parents agreed to watch your kids during the visitation. That is a fine way to support you after a t**gedy like this. Not every support person of yours needed to attend the funeral.

But it sounds like they backed out of watching your kids so that they could attend, but then they don’t show up until the last small portion. That’s weird, if they were going to wait until the very end then they could have watched your kids and then brought them for the end of the visitation/for the lunch.

It seems like they used the funeral attendance to back out of watching your kids and then made a quick obligatory appearance to look good to others, then when they promised to go to the lunch they ditched you and your kids again.. ​

I would give the BIL that watched your kids a pass, he actually did support you, and I don’t know the dynamics of the other siblings, would they expect you to show up for them but they never show up for you guys? That’s not entirely clear but your husband’s parents should have shown you a lot more support.

mama_d63 −  When my Dad passed away, my MIL, SIL and BIL came to the 4 hour viewing and brought food. The next day they came to the funeral, and attended the dinner afterwards. They also sent a beautiful arrangement.

Because that’s what caring family members do for each other. I’m sorry that they let you down at a time when you needed support.. NTA

FlimsyMedium −  NTA. Your feelings are justifiably hurt. I wouldn’t do anything drastic however such as cut ties, as your reaction will understandably be intensified in your grief. We don’t know if both sides of the family got together for holidays, as my family did when we all lived close to each other.

In some cases, we did attend services depending on who, timing, location, etc., so I’m surprised by all those saying that it would never occur to them to attend. Perhaps when you’re ready, you could talk to your in-laws and express how you feel.

Chances are you’ll find out that they were just uncomfortable in that setting, which is why they were there only briefly and skipped lunch, assuming you were surrounded with support from others and wouldn’t be missed. Regardless, sincerest condolences on your loss.

Pickle_Holiday18 −  NTA. For me it’s not about whether or not they should’ve showed up or all the family do’s and don’ts. It’s about the fact that they lied, repeatedly. They broke their commitment, repeatedly. I’m so sorry.

Remote-Visual7976 −  When my father passed away–my husbands entire family was there start to finish since they said I was as much family as their son. Not only were they not supportive but they lied. Sorry that sounds like a deliberate snub to me. NTA–I would be incredibly hurt and my husband would have been embarrassed.

MerelyWhelmed1 −  I am so sorry for your loss. NTA. They should have been supportive of you, and I’m sorry they are too self-involved to see that.

Should she forgive her in-laws or maintain her distance? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!