AITA for “period shaming” my daughter?

A Reddit user, a single father to a 13-year-old daughter, shares his concern about his daughter’s hygiene after she started her period. Despite his efforts to be supportive, he noticed that bloodstains and odors were becoming an issue, leading him to have a conversation with her about proper disposal and cleaning. However, his daughter accused him of “period shaming,” and other family members criticized his approach. Now, he’s unsure if he handled things poorly. Read the full story below to see how it unfolded.

‘ AITA for “period shaming” my daughter?’

I’m a 41M single dad with a 13 year old daughter Lacey. My wife died in childbirth and it’s just been me and Lacey all her life. My sister has been a big help in raising Lacey, and we do keep in contact with her maternal grandparents.

The issue started a couple of months ago when Lacey started her period. I knew this day would come so I spoke to my sister, my female best friend and my mother in law to be well prepared. I gave her the talk with her grandmother and aunt there, I buy her pads and tampons, I even have midol and heating pads ready for Lacey when she needs them.

The problem began when I began to notice a smell coming from Lacey’s room. I went in to investigate and found pads and tampons openly disposed of in her wastebasket. I checked her bathroom and it was worse. She had her bloodstained undergarments in the tub.

I took out her trash and did my best to get rid of the smell, but I didn’t know what to do with the underwear in the tub. Later, I noticed bloodstains on the couch. It took a while of cleaning but I got them out. I figured that was the end of that.

It happened again last month, when I noticed Lacey’s room was stinking again. And I saw she didn’t even wash the underwear from before. The bathroom was unbearable at this point. Then earlier this week, I saw bloodstains on the couch again.

I sat Lacey down and told her that she had to learn to properly dispose of her feminine hygiene products and wash her underwear as the smell was becoming too much. And to be careful of getting bloodstains on the couch or anywhere she sits. I also noticed her sheets had a lot of bloodstains and brought this up too. I also let her know that it was okay to get blood on things as long as she washed them, and I wouldn’t be upset if I saw her bloodstained items being washed.

Lacey immediately blew up at me saying that periods aren’t gross and that I was period shaming and that I needed to educate myself on menstruation. I then got texts from my sister and MIL scolding me for making Lacey feel ashamed of her bodily functions.

But I honestly wasn’t trying to convey that periods are gross. I was trying to convey that her hygiene needed to be addressed and that the smell was becoming unbearable. I just wanted to make sure that Lacey knew how to properly dispose of pads and tampons without it smelling, and that I wouldn’t be annoyed if she washed her bloodstained items AITA here? Was I period shaming my daughter?

EDIT: so I’ve mentioned it in a few comments. I talked to my sister and mil and explained my side. They apologized for misunderstanding and like you guys, have given some good cleaning tips and they’ll talk to Lacey and help her out with the pads and tampons too

EDIT2: so many people here have suggested it and I’ve asked Lacey if her period pain is unbearable or just normal cramps, and left the choice to her as to whether or not she wants to see a specialist but the option is there for her!

EDIT3: We have washed the sheets with hydrogen peroxide and purchased some oxyclean for future instances should we need it. Many of you have also suggested period underwear, which again, I have asked her aunt and grandmother about and they’ll be able to give her more info about those as well as different hygiene products she can use.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

edengonedark −  NTA. Periods aren’t gross. Getting your period blood all over the place is. She needs to learn basic period hygiene now or she will deeply regret it later in life. You’re a great father, OP. But maybe consider having her see a therapist or someone more qualified to deal with why she is reacting this way.

sqitten −  NAH You just have a child who needs more education. If she’s bleeding through so much onto the couch and bed, then she either doesn’t have menstrual products that work for her or she isn’t changing them often enough. I hope you also taught her about the risk of toxic shock syndrome.

But it sounds like she needs more help learning to deal with this. I suggest you talk to the women in your life and let them know she’s constantly bleeding through her menstrual products and ask them if they can help her learn how to better prevent that.

Background_Yam1728 −  NTA. It’s unhygienic to leave blood stained items around. They do stink terribly if they’re not disposed of. Unfortunately, accidents do happen and sometimes you bleed through the tampon or on the sheets during the middle of the night,

I don’t know what the bleeding on the couch (multiple times) is about (that’s a bit much), but she doesn’t have any right to blow up at you. You seemed like you went about it very respectfully. The women in her life should be teaching her how to hygienically deal with her period.

FeedThePug −  NTA – Yes, periods are natural. So is poop. But you wouldn’t want that on the sofa or openly distributed in a bedroom. Stains and smells happen. But that doesn’t mean everyone else has to live with them.

mybluepanda99 −  NTA – she’s feeling sensitive about a new stage of life and, as a young teenager, has not yet developed the critical thinking experience to choke down the embarrassment to recognize the validity in your comments. If you are smelling menstrual odor, her friends may well be at school as well, and it is a valid hygiene issue. With that said, if her aunt/grandmother are trusted adults for her, you may be more effective relaying your feedback to them and having them sit her down (speculating).

spasticmonkeyy −  NTA- as a once 13 year old girl learning about my body and hygiene, my parents had to sit me down and give me a talk like that. Young girls don’t get just HOW BAD their used hygiene products can smell when not disposed of/cleaned properly. Also, the blood from periods is acidic, and can “bleach” clothing and furniture if not cleaned pretty quickly. Hydrogen peroxide is your and her friend while a stain is still wet

Zealousideal_Survey7 −  NAH. It sounds like your daughter may have been embarrassed and replied in a defensive way. It also seems she may have exaggerated the actual circumstances when telling her aunt/grandma because she was actually reporting how the conversation made her feel and not what was actually said (common for that age).

It also seems like she’s not dealing well with her period which may be unusually heavy. She may need to see a doctor. You’re doing everything you can to create a supportive environment. She’s struggling, but it sounds like your have a decent support system in the women in your life. I would talk to them privately and explain what you’re finding.

TooTall2Function −  NTA. You weren’t shaming her, and nowhere did you say that periods were disgusting. You were trying to get her to be more aware and take responsibility for cleaning up after herself. There is nothing wrong with that.

However, be aware that during this conversation she was probably feeling really embarrassed about the situation being brought up. The explosion was probably her way of trying to deflect what had happened and shirk off some that embarrassment and shame. Talk to your sister and MIL, explain what the situation is, and ask if they can talk to her about proper hygiene and disposal practices.

GrinningKitten −  NTA. You have done a good job as a father to be respectful about a subject that most dads say “ew, the unmentionables.” But your daughter does need to learn proper hygiene. It may be a natural thing and that’s completely okay, but taking care to not let things sit and/or get stained is the same as flushing the toilet or taking a shower.

procrastinosaurus −  NTA. Getting blood on sheets and other places by accident is normal, but if this is happening on a regular basis and she makes no effort to clean it and doesn’t realize that it is not hygienic, that is a problem. The bloody underwear soaking in the tub is one way to get bloodstains out, so that’s the only place where I’d say let it go, but if pads and tampons are piling up enough that it’s creating an odor… I mean, no one wants to live with that smell.

Do you think the father crossed a line and unintentionally shamed his daughter, or was his approach reasonable given the hygiene concerns? How should parents navigate sensitive topics like periods with their teens? Share your thoughts below!