AITA for “overreacting” when my family talked to my daughter like she’s an i**ot?

A Redditor found herself in a tense situation at a family reunion when her daughter, who has Selective Mutism, was treated condescendingly by relatives. After witnessing the adults speaking to her daughter as if she were much younger and incapable of understanding, the Redditor intervened.

When her brother dismissed her daughter’s abilities and suggested that she was “special needs,” the Redditor snapped, leading to a heated confrontation with her family. Now, she’s questioning whether her reaction was justified. Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for “overreacting” when my family talked to my daughter like she’s an i**ot?’

Last week me (37F) my Husband (36M) and my daughter (12F) went to a family reunion. My daughter has Selective Mutism, she only ever speaks around me, her father and grandmother (my side of the family) she’s always been a shy one.

While we were at the reunion pretty much all of the adults would talk to her very slowly, even though she’s perfectly capable of hearing and isn’t stupid, I didn’t know this was going on because she was playing Mario Kart with some of her cousins on their Nintendo Switch’s in the basement of her grandma’s (same one as mentioned earlier) home.

Later that day during lunch all of the adults started talking to her like she was 3 and not 12, I told the adults that my daughter isn’t dumb and that she can process words just like everyone else at the table.

Now this is what caused me to go into Lois (Malcolm in The Middle) mode, my brother told me that it’s not their fault she never talks and that they just thought she was special needs (she’s not) and that if me ad my husband just stopped “spoiling her” that maybe she’d be functional.

I told my husband and daughter to go to the car and that I’d be there soon and we’d leave. After the 2 of them left I let my brother and my family have it
Some of the things I said, aren’t really suitable for this subreddit,

I basically told them that they all might as well switch places with their kids because they’re actually capable of treating my daughter with basic human respect, and that they can all f**k off, I then went to my car and told my husband that I’m done with my family and that I’m cutting them off

Flash forward to today, I was hanging out with my closet friend, same age as me, we’ve known eachother since the 3rd grade, I told her what happened and she told me that I overreacted and all I needed to do was just to take my husband and daughter to the car. Am I the a**hole for overreacting?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

RWBYsnow −  Nta for standing up for her, but even if she did process things slowly, that wouldn’t make her stupid. Special needs people aren’t stupid either. A truly stupid person doesn’t think and refuses to.

FacetiousTomato −  Hard to judge whether you’re TA or not without knowing exactly what you said, but leaning towards NTA. That being said – verbal responses and body language are how we know people understand us.

If I’m talking with a 12 year old and getting nothing but blank stares back, I would assume they don’t understand me, and simplify my language. This isn’t malicious, it is instinctual and typically appropriate to the situation. Did you give your family a heads up? Like is this an ongoing issue?

First-Industry4762 −  Your brother is an a**hole but frankly so are you. With regards to your other family: this is difficult because it really depends on how much your family knows about the condition. I googled it because I had no clue this even existed.

Here is the thing, if someone talks to a kid of twelve and they just stare back, the first impression you get is that they either don’t understand or that they’re too shy to speak. So I can understand their impulse to slow down their words and start talking to her very friendly (like a three year old).

Your brother was an a**hole for implying that her condition was because she was spoilt too much and that she wasn’t functional, but you also blew up at your family for not understanding something that could have been normally cleared up. I do think this was an overreaction on your part and you went nuclear for no good reason.

RocknRight −  YTA. It was an over reaction. It was a family reunion, so clearly that suggested extended family that don’t interact with your daughter regularly and may not know that about this condition. If your daughter had selective mutism, then saying “she’s always been a shy one” is inaccurate and ridiculous.

[Reddit User] −  “My daughter isn’t STUPID like a special needs person” woof

ThymeForTime −  INFO: so, did you give your extended family a heads up about your daughter’s condition? So they know what to expect and how to correctly talk to her when she shuts down? Because if not, YTA (+your brother)

The only reason I know what selective mutism is because my niece has it and my sister explained it to us. Sure, we knew before that, that my niece shuts down when she doesn’t get her way or when she’s with people she’s not familiar with – but this we know after being with her often. So we can adapt when this happens and ask questions in another way.

But if your family didn’t get a heads up, you can’t blame them for speaking slowly because all they see is a 12 year old not responding to them.so the first thought would be that she doesn’t understand the question

sephyir −  Info: has this been an ongoing issue? She’s 12, certainly that topic has come up before?

TeddingtonMerson −  YTA— you know what’s hilarious? You don’t tell us anything about what your daughter said about the situation! How does she feel about you speaking for her? Or telling her to wait in the car? Or deciding she’ll never see her cousins again? What did she say to dad when they were banished to the car? If you are so great at communicating with her why is zero of her point of view here?

AFAI can see, You’re even more guilty of what you accuse them of! They didn’t know how to talk to her and talked to her wrong given almost no information. You know how to talk to her and didn’t consult her wishes, didn’t check in after a traumatic event about her that affects her.

Look— slow and simple speech isn’t an insult, it’s an accommodation that some people need. She needs your help to translate and advocate for her, not kick her out of the room whenever someone makes a mistake talking to her.

Hungry-Caramel4050 −  ESH for saying she is just spoiled… you for overreacting and your biais towards special needs individuals. Slowly processing information doesn’t make one dumb. By your own admission, your mother told them she doesn’t really speak and is shy. They have met your daughter 3 times since she was born.

There was no way for them to fully know about her condition especially if she doesn’t react much when spoken to. You keep mentioning the children talking to her normally… it’s not surprising, kids often dont have the awareness to accommodate differences as we tend to do as adults. My 4 yo has full blown discussion with my 1 yo even though he doesn’t always respond.

ToThePillory −  Some of the things I said, aren’t really suitable for this subreddit. I’m not sure how we can judge if you’re an a**hole for overreacting if you’re not willing to say what your reaction was.

Was the Redditor justified in her reaction to her family’s treatment of her daughter, or did she overreact? How would you handle a similar situation involving a loved one’s dignity? Share your thoughts below!