AITA for opposing birthday payouts from my Mom’s estate which differ from what she’s done?
A Reddit user discusses a contentious issue regarding their late mother’s estate and the distribution of birthday payouts. For years, the user’s mother consistently gifted her three children, their spouses, and her grandchildren a set amount for their birthdays.
After her passing, one sister proposed altering this tradition to give more to herself and her spouse, arguing that it’s unfair since the grandchildren won’t receive payouts. The user opposes this change, believing it goes against their mother’s established practices. For the complete story, read below…
‘ AITA for opposing birthday payouts from my Mom’s estate which differ from what she’s done?’
For several years now, my mom has been giving the people that she cares about a birthday check of approx. $1000. The same amount to everyone, but some years a little more and some years a little less. The people she’s gifted are her 3 kids, their spouses and her 3 grandchildren.
I have 2 daughters and one of my sisters has a son. The other sister has no children. This year, my mom gave my wife and I $1250 checks (both of our birthday’s are in January). My mom passed away in March before anyone else’s birthday.
My sister proposed paying the checks out for the remainder of the year from the estate. I’m okay with this. The childless sister doesn’t want to do it the way that mom typically did it. She wants to give herself + spouse more because her family gets shorted (no money going to kids).
She wants to make each family receive the same amount instead of each loved one. My mom has never done this because it would mean giving her children different amounts which she would never do and has never done.. AITAH for opposing this plan?
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
Used_Mark_7911 − ESH. You can’t pay birthday checks out of the estate. It’s not a valid estate expense. If you all aren’t sure what to do as executors, hire a lawyer to help you settle everything and distribute the assets according to the terms of the will.
ApathyIsBeauty − YTA and this thread is full of terrible advice. There is a will in place which supersedes all intentions by the surviving family members. If the will doesn’t mention these specific payments, you’re wrong legally and could potentially face legal action for misusing the estate for non specified expenses not laid out in the will.
Hire an attorney and disburse the will as it was written. If you’re really that hard pressed about this birthday check nonsense, write both your sisters birthday checks out of your share.
Jazzlike_Property692 − ESH. Sorry to be callous about this, but your mom is no longer alive. “What she would’ve done” is irrelevant, as is the calendar year. The money gets distributed the way her will determine from the moment of her d**th. You don’t skirt that to give extra birthday gifts to the families with more people.
Classic_Sugar7991 − Gently, YTA. First off, I’m sorry for your loss, OP. It’s really hard. I lost my mom a few years ago and it’s still, and probably always will be, difficult. It sounds like she was a really cool, generous lady. Now, to the problem.
I think it’s sweet that you guys want to continue the tradition for the year and that you’re trying to make sure everyone gets what they would have done. I do get your POV: you guys see it as, one family has already gotten some money, so the others should, too.
And as executor, so long as the will was general enough, and so long as you’re in the U.S. where the typical estate laws apply, you can certainly get some wiggle room as long as all family is in agreement. This is how it happened with my mom’s estate.
She asked for equal distribution and we signed paperwork agreeing on some changes to that, in full agreement with one another, because without a family settlement agreement then the court could take issue with the executor’s decision. (And actually, my attorney warned me they could take issue regardless. You can’t play around with this stuff.)
However… Your mom, however much missed, is gone. The lovely gifts she gave to her loved ones are gone with her, and as with most deaths, some unfinished business has to be swallowed. The estate pays out debts, not gifts — what is left after debt are the distributions to the named beneficiaries. This is now *inheritance* and there is a will instructing how to manage it.
Presuming your mom asked for equal divide amongst the siblings, and did not specify anything for her grandkids (there is obviously no provision for birthday gifts), then yes, taking “birthday money” out of the estate account impacts one, likely two, beneficiaries unfairly.
It is also understandable that your other sibling would be upset, because that’s meant to be left to them from their mother, and someone is proposing a piece of it ought to go to their family instead. It doesn’t matter whether they had children or not because the will doesn’t seem to recognize that as the division maker.The gifts are done.
They were gifts, and sometimes gifts don’t materialize. If anyone is upset about losing the check, then the checks can be given out of their own inheritance to their own spouses/children. End of story. This is definitely the way a lot of other families have gone with for similar issues.
Finally, after doing two estates, both exhausting and emotional and thankless, and in case this is your first: things feel REALLY personal and important right now. Feelings get hurt. Suddenly money and division matters a lot more than usual. Some people in their grief do not manage this process well at all. It will pass.
archetyping101 − INFO: what does the will say and who’s the executor?
Tls-user − I assume your mother’s will indicates her estate is to be split equally between you and your two siblings, so your sister should not be expected to share her inheritance with her nieces and nephew.
The executor is not permitted to change to provisions of the will. You are certainly free to give $2k of your inheritance to your daughters and your other sister can give $1k of her inheritance to her son.
OldHuckleberry5804 − I guess I’m still confused. You say in the comments that your mom left a will and presumably the will states how her assets should be split? You also said the will doesn’t mention any birthday payouts so thats a non-issue. There are no more birthday checks. Your mom is not around anymore to issue those and no mention in the will so they should stop.
I can see your sister’s (childfree sister) perspective. Your mom has passed and there is a will. The bday checks kinda feel like a way to cut into her share of the estate although a smaller amount. What does the will say? You need to follow exactly what the will states. You can’t just makes stuff up as you go along.
throwAWweddingwoe − You cannot gift money from a deceased estate. That’s called stealing and is against the law. Once a person dies there estate must be distributed in accordance with their will or with the laws on intestate in you state.
I get you are trying to do something nice but you can’t. You can’t because that money is not yours and you cannot gift the estate’s money unless the estate instructs you to do that. All the money/assets need to be divided legally.
If after that all the beneficiaries agree to a single method of gifting the money great, but honestly I think that would be unfair to your childless sister who would be getting given less then she is contributing assuming the inheritance is split equally amongst the children.
Scenarioing − This is not the way to run an estate.
rheasilva − ESH. None of you should be paying birthday cheques, *of any amount*, out of your mom’s estate. What happens to her estate will be determined by her will, if there is one. If she didn’t leave a will then you all need to get an estate lawyer.
Do you think the user is right to uphold their mother’s wishes, or is their sister justified in wanting to change the distribution? How would you handle similar family disputes over inheritance and traditions? Share your thoughts below!