AITA for Offering to Pay for My Girlfriend’s College Tuition?

A Reddit user (M21) has been in a relationship with his girlfriend (F20) for six years and wants to help her financially as she struggles with college tuition. Coming from a wealthier background, he offers to pay for her upcoming tuition at a four-year university.

However, his girlfriend feels insulted by the offer, believing it makes her seem like a charity case and creates feelings of inadequacy. After a heated argument, she has become distant. Is he in the wrong for wanting to support her financially? Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for Offering to Pay for My Girlfriend’s College Tuition?’

I (M21) and I’ve been dating my (F20) girlfriend for about six years now. She’s amazing, hardworking, and incredibly smart. She’s currently attending a community college and plans to transfer to a four-year university next year. However, she struggles financially, as her family isn’t well off.

I come from a more affluent background, and my parents have always been generous with me. I’ve got a great job and a good savings. Seeing her work so hard and stress about her finances, I wanted to help. So, a few weeks ago, I offered to pay for her tuition when she transfers to the university.

I thought it was a good idea. I love her and I want to support her dreams. But when I made the offer, she got really upset. She accused me of thinking she was some sort of charity case and said that my offer made her feel inadequate and embarrassed about her financial situation.

She told me that she didn’t want to feel indebted to anyone and that she wanted to achieve her goals on her own. I tried to explain that I was just trying to help and that I didn’t see her as a charity case at all. I just wanted to ease her burden and support her in any way I could.

A few days ago, we got into a big fight. She was venting about her college dues, and I snapped and told her that if she wouldn’t let me help by paying for it, then she shouldn’t keep bringing it up around me.

She got really mad and accused me of not being supportive. Since then, she hasn’t been talking to me at all. She’s been distant. So, AITA for offering to pay for my girlfriend’s college tuition?

Check out how the community responded:

nosecohn −  YTA… slightly. Here’s the thing… you’re not wrong for offering to help her and I’m sorry she perceived it differently than you intended. But once she declined, that should have been the end of it. Instead, you told her she was no longer allowed to talk with you about this issue, which is what makes you TA. Your partner wants to know she can talk with you about anything.

I understand where you were coming from. You saw her complaints as problems to solve, so when she declined your solution, she lost the right to complain. But this is the completely wrong (and typically male, if I’m being honest) perspective.

She’s not looking for you to solve her problems. She’s looking for you to be *emotionally* supportive. Instead, you were the opposite. From her perspective, you completely rejected her request for emotional support.

When a woman is complaining to you about her day, her coworkers, her finances or other struggles, be empathetic and sympathetic. Ask questions and work to understand the issue. But don’t offer solutions unless they’re requested.

And even if they are and you provide them, she’s not obligated to accept them, so don’t take it personally or punish her if she doesn’t. In short, your heart was in the right place, but you missed the point.

EDIT: Since this has gotten some attention, I’ll second the suggestions below about not presuming, but instead *asking* if your partner would like support or a solution.

I also apologize if this came across as stereotyping women. I fully accept that not all women are looking exclusively for emotional support when complaining. It’s just a behavior I’ve never seen in men.

SeriesDapper5692 −  I’d say NAH….. I came from poor myself myself so I could understand her a bit. When you’re born poor, money will always be something you’re being insecure about, especially if you’re dating someone who came from better background than you.

I don’t know about most people, but for me, asking and receiving financial help especially from people that I like is … rather embarrassing? Since when you date someone, you just want to show the good part of you and not being a burden for them.

You’re not TA for offering to help, it’s natural since you care about her and you must want the girl you love to live comfortably. However, I think your gf ranting about her college dues is just because she needs people to listen about it…

Since it must be hard for her to complain about money for college to her already struggling family, and you’re her boyfriend so of course she thought she could confide in you. At least that’s what I would do.

But you’re not wrong for snapping at her too, you must be upset that she didn’t let you help her when it’s clear that she needs help and you could. Pride is a big matter for pride to poor people like us, especially when you’re a woman with principles … (also, when someone you dated gave you money, it can make some people anxious that they will ask the money back when break up happens).

I hope the two of you can talk about it more calmly. I suggest you telling her you understand her point of view of not wanting to have any debt to you, but try telling her that you really like her and you just want to ease a little of her burden, not to make her indebted in you.

kkhjack −  NTA for offering but YTA for the fight. She didn’t like your solution to the problem so she can’t talk to you about it? That is an unsupportive position to take and suggests she was right about being indebted to you if she accepts your offer.

keesouth −  I’m going with NAH. I think your heart is in the right place, but I see where your gf is coming from. First, you getting mad at her for complaining makes it sound like you just want to throw money at her problem.

Especially when you tell her you shouldn’t have to listen to her problem when you already offered to take care of it. Offering money doesn’t absolve you of supporting your partner in other ways.

Taking your money could also make her feel like a kept woman and also beholden to you. It’s not healthy for your relationship. You may not think that way, but it will be harder for her to be an equal partner in your relationship because she’ll always have what she owes you in the back of her mind.

Constant_Break_509 −  I’m thinking YTA for already throwing it in her face. This is exactly why she won’t accept it. If she ever wants to
do anything you don’t agree with she’ll be reminded who gave her an education to get her career.

If you were the type of person that would never do that, I bet she would’ve let you pay for college because getting college paid for is a dream come true for a lot of smart, hardworking 20 year old women.

Constant_Increase_17 −  Here’s the thing… You are young and she would feel personally indebted to you if she let you pay. You aren’t really giving her financial freedom because the expectation is probably that you end up married.

She is smart for not agreeing to your plan and keeping her independence. First fight you have the fact that you paid her tuition will be the first thing you throw in her face.

This offer would make sense if you were engaged or married, but not at this stage of your lives. You should keep your money. Put it in a savings account. If you end up married and she still has student debt, that is the time to pay it off, not before. Protect yourself too.

JonBob69 −  Props on you for the supports. NTA. What kind of uni courses she going to? Like doctor stuff (100k…) or something less.
I did my business degree for 10ishk). So how much monies we talking? That might be part of her issue? Just a thought

floofnstoof −  My husband paid for my postgraduate degree. We were 4 years into the relationship at the time. Even though we were in a serious relationship and steadily heading towards marriage, it was hard to accept a gift of this magnitude.

It’s definitely humbling to have to rely on someone else financially and there were definitely worries about this shifting the dynamics of our relationship now that I “owed” him. We obviously saw a future together but the thought of “if s**t happens and we break up, how am I going to pay him back” did cross my mind.

It’s definitely a huge leap of faith for our relationship. When I took him up on his offer, it was because I was sure that we’re going to spend our lives together.

Even though you and your girlfriend have been together for six years, you also got together when you’re very young. This is a very generous thing you are offering but it represents a very big step in your relationship that she’s likely not ready for.

I can also understand being young and feeling like you need to prove that you can make it on your own. It can be hard to watch a loved one struggle, but it sounds like she’s looking for a listening ear rather than a bail out.

Dazzling_Moose_6575 −  Sometimes people truly want to accomplish things on their own and offers to help feel like you aren’t doing it on your own. I’m not saying that’s the best way to be, but it’s very common.

Are there other ways you can support her that aren’t so huge to her? Do you guys live together and can you take on more of the bills? Can you offer to help her study or take over some other responsibilities to give her more bandwidth? I agree that YTA for throwing it back in her face but I understand your frustration as well, you want to fix it, but she’s not letting you.

That means it’s not your problem to fix, your role now is to listen, empathize and offer support on ways she can accept. Maybe eventually she’ll be able to accept the financial help, but right now that’s not what she wants from you.

Talk to her and ask her how you can be a good partner for her, what support looks like to her, and talk about communicating when she wants problem solving and when she wants someone to listen.

GothPenguin −  YTA-For snapping at her for bringing it up around you if she won’t let you fix it. Sometimes people need to feel supported by being allowed to vent. N A H for the original offer to pay.