AITA for obeying my in-law’s wishes too literally?

A Redditor shared their dilemma about trying to navigate cultural expectations with their in-laws. After sending a polite but brief dinner invitation, their in-laws criticized the tone and refused to respond until it was made “warmer.” In an effort to meet their expectations, the user turned to AI for help, crafting an over-the-top message that might have come off as passive-aggressive. Now, they’re left wondering if their response crossed the line. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for obeying my in-law’s wishes too literally?’

I sent my in-laws an invitation for dinner. We stupidly thought it would be nice if it came from me. [Religious Greetings]. [Husband] was thinking of inviting you next weekend, god willing. Would that work for you or do you have other plans?

Ten minutes later, FIL called my husband to tell him they wished the message had been longer and warmer. Husband agreed to let me know for next time.

The next day, FIL called again over something else. Husband used the opportunity to point out they still hadn’t replied to my message. FIL told him they would not be replying to me until I fixed it and made it warmer. They also pointed out that at my job, I have to adopt a certain tone to be perceived as professional. This is the same in a family context.

Since they wanted me to adopt the same strategies I use at work, I figured I’d use ChatGPT to get frustrating tasks out of the way as quickly as possible. I showed the AI my original message, told it my in-law’s complaints and told it to rewrite it super warmly as if I were the perfect \[insert ethnicity\] daughter-in-law. It came up with an absolutely ridiculous message with emojis everywhere. I copied pasted and sent right after my last, left-on-read, invitation.

Husband sent it with me and is okay with it. I first suggested to him I could write a genuine message about my grievances here, but he pointed out I did so over another petty complaint months ago and it led nowhere. We decided to go with the ChatGPT message minus some of the emojis. FIL works with AI. I have no doubt he can tell this is ChatGPT. Even MIL will know there is no way either Husband or I wrote this.

I do kinda feel a bit guilty about the passive-agressiveness of our response. There’s a very obvious cultural context here. I understand my culture seems cold to them the way theirs seems over-the-top to me. But as God is my witness, I have unsuccessfully tried everything else to communicate with them. They have ignored the new message. No phone call to husband. I don’t want this to go nuclear, I just want them to say “sure, see you next week” and pretend to tolerate my cooking.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

AlwaysHelpful22 −  If someone told me to re-invite them in a more pleasant manner or they wouldn’t respond, I would NEVER AGAIN invite them anywhere (until they responded to the original invite). I wouldn’t be rude about it, I’d just ignore them until they responded. NTA.

brokencappy −  NTA but you are falling for a huge, enormous trap. Your in-laws are playing a sick game of Moving The Goalpost. It has already been decided that they will approve of absolutely nothing about you: your message was not professionally written and edited and not “warm” enough? What complete, utter, stinking b**lshit that is.

But ok, you correct it, and then what? Too many emojis. Not enough commas. You used too many vowels. You did not highlight or bold your greeting. Your phone number ends in a number that reminds them of a aunt’s cousin’s husband’s pet’s d**th, how dare you.

So now their Royal Holy InLaw Highnesses have accepted your invitation. But GUESS WHAT? You will make the wrong food with the wrong spice, served insulting too cold or not hot enough. You will be stupid, incompetent, and cunningly plotting against them – all at the same time! I hope you will go get some cheap take-out instead of working over a homemade meal because they will say the same thing whether you work over it or not.

You will be wearing the wrong clothes. The color of your shirt reminds your MiL of her MiL and you did it on purpose to be disrespectful. How dare you. You must beg for forgiveness.. For the rest of their lives.

Let me save you time and tears, here: making you chase them for their acceptance and approval is the entire point of the entire relationship. And they never want the game to end, so they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever approve of you. The entire point of the game is to make you run.

To make you worry. To FORCE YOU to keep THINKING ABOUT THEM. They are being unreasonable ON PURPOSE. You cannot use logic or reason here because the game is about power, not about peace. They have decided that your job in life is to chase them for approval they will never give until they die.

Do. Not. Engage. Start getting really comfortable with telling them, “Ok. If that is how you feel we will respect that. Let us know when you wan to try this again.” You must stop letting the silent treatment feel like punishment or something you are supposed to fix: it is a golden gift! When they are not talking to you you have peace! When they have a tantrum, shrug and walk away like when a toddler has a tantrum because (as with children) tantrums only work when you give them attention.. They do this because… it works.

HygorBohmHubner −  If by “warmer” and “literally”, I half-expected OP to send an actual letter on fire to them. 😂. BTW, NTA.

BigAd8400 −  NTA. At this point, they can f**k off. If they are to be invited to dinner then your husband can send the invite. They are HIS parents, HE can deal with them. And in the future, ask yourself why you’d bother inviting them for anything if they can’t be bothered with basic manners.

My dad though, just sends a msg on the day and goes “dinner ready in 30 minutes. Get here.” Still makes me chuckle whenever it randomly comes in. He’s not very fuzzed with “familial professionalism”, or whatever your inlaws were bitching about.

ShadeRipple −  NTA. Honestly, it sounds like they’re being super unreasonable. If they can’t accept a simple invitation without playing games, that’s on them. Let your husband handle his parents from now on and don’t stress over their approval. Focus on what makes you happy and peaceful.

StayRevolutionary429 −  I kinda want to read the ridiculous chatgpt message, please.

CatchMeIfYouCan09 −  NTA but I wouldn’t have. But then I’m petty AF. “Unfortunately the invitation to share a meal is contingent on your accepting my verbage use. Considering you do not, you can now assume the invitation is canceled. For future reference please feel free to police your own overly judgemental, controlling and inappropriate attitude and behavior prior to attempting to correct your perception of mine.

I would also recommend reevaluating the importance of maintaining a good relationship with me as failure to do so could potentially cost you one with your future grandchildren. (Is this enough words for you, if not I could try again by adding the few choice words I voluntarily omitted )”. Then moving forward just send. “Dinner. Friday. 7pm. – insert Restaurant. Word word word. Warm words. Word word word. Appreciation. Word word.. Exactly like that.

Equal_Commission881 −  So now your husband sends all messages. You’re done communicating with them. They can like it or not. Nothing you’re ever gonna do is ever gonna be good enough.

TarzanKitty −  Stop kissing their asses and chasing after them. Just drop the rope. Tell your husband that from this moment onward. His relatives will be 100% his job.

fear_nothin −  Your in-laws don’t like you. This has nothing to do with anything else. Tell your husband to handle communication to them going forward.. NTA.