AITA for not wanting my parents to adopt another teenage girl

A 15-year-old Redditor shares a situation where her parents plan to adopt a 13-year-old girl named Jess, but the Redditor struggles with the idea. Jess has been through a lot, but the Redditor feels overwhelmed by the changes in her home life, especially after learning she might have to give up her room. The situation escalated, and tensions between the Redditor and her parents grew. Eventually, after a heart-to-heart with Jess, they reached a solution that included adding a wall to the room. Read on for the full story.

‘ AITA for not wanting my parents to adopt another teenage girl’

I (15F) live with my parents (mid-40s) and my brother (9M). It’s always been a dream of my parents to adopt (me and bro are bio-kids) and they had come to the decision that they want to adopt an older kid. They got matched with ‘Jess’ who is 13. Due to the current situation, she is not living with us, but we’ve met before and she’s spent a weekend with us in January.

Jess, despite sometimes being sweet and kind, is very high maintenance and has a lot of anxiety and anger problems. She can go from 0-1000 really quick. During her stay, she got triggered by something when we were in public (she and I went to a clothes shop and my parents were in a cafe nearby – some guy accidentally grabbed her by her shoulder as he thought she was his daughter, and he apologised immediately) and started screaming. I was the only person there, and I tried to calm her down but she ran off.

She was found (shaken, but safe) an hour later. I then got grounded as I had failed in being responsible for my ‘sister.’ I said I didn’t have a sister. My parents were angry about this and said that how dare I be rude about her, don’t I know how much she’s been through.

She’s had other outbursts, but none so huge in public. She can be cold and untrusting and was very c**ngy to my parents. I do admire her, and think she’s very brave – but I don’t want to live with her. My parents call Jess often. I often say hi, and try to be civil and supportive.

But it seems like the only thing my parents can talk about is Jess, and how brave she is, and she isn’t even here yet. We live in a 3 bedroom house, and my parents promised to move to a bigger one later this year.

Recently, my parents broke the news to me that Jess will move into my room, and I can pick whether I want to share a room with bro, or Jess. I don’t want to share with either. My brother is messy, loud and is your average 9yo boy and Jess has night terrors and screams the house down, and it’s enough having to open my house to her, but I value my privacy a lot and don’t want her in my room, which is like my special place.

I was crushed. I asked if we were still moving, and my parents were like, ‘We like this place and have no solid plan.’ I freaked out and was like, ‘You guys are forgetting you have another daughter and are too excited about the shiny new one to remember that the one you have has feelings and boundaries, and if you’re changing everything I’ve ever known, at least I deserve to be listened to. If this is how life’s going to be, I don’t want to have a sister.’

Good to note: my room is big enough to have a wall put in, and my parents considered it a few years back. I would be happy with that. They refuse, even though we can easily afford it, because it is ‘too much effort.’

My parents are offended that I’m ‘not being welcoming’ towards my ‘sister’, and I’m offended that the life I knew is going to be turned upside down, and I’m not going to have the thing I value most, my privacy. AITA?

Update: this blew up… enough to reach jess. she called me and we had a good heart to heart. she was unaware of the situation, and felt really uncomfortable about it. we had a family meeting via skype to explain to my parents why this was a bad idea, and showed them some of the comments in this thread.

they apologised and they said they would try to improve their behaviour. we asked to put up a wall, and they agreed. my father is currently watching a video on how to do it lol. jess also says hi to everyone – and thanks you for looking out for her.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

efm270 −  NTA. I bet your parents think that taking in Jess is such a kind thing to do, they can’t possibly be wrong and everyone needs to just get on board. However, you are a person and your feelings also matter. They are being really heavy-handed and not making any effort to make you comfortable.

Can you ask them to attend family counseling before Jess arrives? If they refuse, do you have access to a social worker or someone as part of this process that you could talk to? Hearing from an independent professional that they need to consider your feelings might help them understand.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. They absolutely shouldn’t be forcing you out of your room, or forcing you to share it. If all children can’t have their own rooms, they’re not ready to adopt. They’re not asking two small children to share, they’re asking two teenage girls who aren’t biological siblings, haven’t grown up together and one has complex needs.

Or for a teenage girl to share with her younger brother, which is completely inappropriate. Put your foot down and insist that it’s your room, and you’re not moving or sharing. Either they find a solution or the adoption cannot go ahead.

[Reddit User] −  ‘You guys are forgetting you have another daughter and are too excited about the shiny new one to remember that the one you have has feelings and boundaries, and if you’re changing everything I’ve ever known, at least I deserve to be listened to. If this is how life’s going to be, I don’t want to have a sister.’

I think you’ve summed it up very accurately here. I don’t want to say your parents are arseholes because they want to adopt–I think that’s a very noble thing to do, generally, if you have the money and the space and the energy to take in a child without parents. **But**. Obviously something is going wrong here. Your parents seem reluctant to listen to you.

They should absolutely respect your opinion, as you’re 15 years old and you have a right not to have everything in your life shifted around just like that. You have a right to be listened to and you have a right to your own space. In other words, your parents really need to sit down and listen to your concerns, and take them seriously.

I worry, though, that you’re going to project your frustration with your parents on Jess, and if that were to happen, you would be TA. Jess hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s probably hoping against all hope that she’s finally going to find a permanent home and family. She’s clearly been through a lot and she needs help to recover.

None of that should be on you, and you shouldn’t be blamed like you were in the clothes shop. But please don’t blame her for your parents’ flaws. It’s not her fault. Talk to your parents, and if they refuse to listen I would contact the adoption agency or organisation and have them mediate between you.

It’s not just your parents adopting Jess, your whole family is going to adopt Jess and everyone needs to be on board for it to work for everyone. I’m going with NTA just because your parents have been fairly oblivious and s**tty.

wednesday9th −  NTA and that was a really unfair reason to ground you

PerkyLurkey −  NTA talk to the social worker yourself and explain your extreme discomfort in Jess moving in. Yes your parents will be upset, but at least you will have the opportunity to have your feelings heard by someone who is thinking of what is best for Jess.

Be firm, don’t candy coat it, and tell the truth. Do this as soon as possible. Call her today you can. Or call the court and speak to the clerk about the situation. In short, make it obvious to everyone that this situation might not be the best idea for Jess or for your family.

Zealotstim −  NTA first of all. I’m going to be very blunt in my response to this. I wouldn’t repeat the things I’m going to say to your family and definitely not to Jess. All the feelings you described are valid as hell. I get it, the other girl presumably has extensive trauma from her life so far, and deserves all the sympathy and good treatment in the world.

But she sounds like a nightmare to live with, and your parents sound like they are being shockingly unempathic toward you for people who are presumably very big-hearted, given they’re *adopting* (not even fostering first?) some teen girl with severe emotional damage they barely know. There has to be a lot more going on that you haven’t talked about. Why do they want this to happen so badly, and how was your relationship with them before all this started? I’m having a hard time understanding their behavior.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. It’s unfair on the both of you to be honest. Inserting someone into a household is hard to start with but adding in her behaviour issues and night terrors (neither of which are her fault) complicates it even further.

Forcing you two to share a room is a recipe for disaster. You both need your own space, especially because your both teenagers, hell I remember not wanting anyone to even breath in my direction when I was 15. Grounding you for her running off was a bit much as well.

maybeiam-maybeimnot −  I have to say NAH. Your parents are trying to be a safe place for someone who probably doesn’t know what a safe place is even like. At the same time, you have a right to be upset that such a huge change is being made to your life. And this new girl is just being tossed around in a system where no one wants her.

There is a way you can talk to your parents maturely to try and explain your feelings. Use ‘I’ statements, and dont try to place blame on them, because what they’re doing isnt really wrong, it just feels unfair to you.

You could say “I’m worried about my privacy and my mental health if I dont have a room that I can be alone in” or “I’m worried that my needs are going to be put on the back burner” or “I’m scared that this girl will replace me in a way” you just need to make your feelings known.

Dont use ‘you’ statements like ‘you’re not considering my feelings’ or ‘you’re making decisions that effect me” or “you turning my world upside down” because they will sound accusatory. And it gets you no where.

All of that said try not to blame this girl. She *has* been through a lot. And that doesn’t mean you should have to welcome her with open arms unconditionally, but you should be kind to her and understand that she hasn’t really had any part in making these decisions, and however she has disrupted your life by running off or throwing tantrums—that’s serious, real trauma that she is going through and will go through for the rest of her life.

Probably because of unimaginable events you’ve never–ans hopefully never will–experience. She doesn’t have a room she feels safe in, she doesn’t have privacy. She has whatever home shes placed in by adults who ‘know what’s best’ for her.

abis7 −  NTA. Are there social workers helping your family through this adoption process? Adoption is wonderful, but it definitely has its challenges and every member of the family needs to be considered.

dendaddy −  NTA, just so you know the wall you want to build can be done in a day and about $200 for a 1 2′ wall. I built. One for my nneighbor.

What do you think of this situation? Do you think the Redditor was right to stand her ground on her privacy, or was she being unfair to her new sister? How would you have handled the adoption news in a similar situation? Share your thoughts!