AITA for not waiting to visit my husband’s family for every holiday?

A Reddit user shared a conflict with their husband over holiday plans. The user, who feels that they always prioritize visiting her husband’s family for every holiday, had hoped to spend this Christmas at home with her visiting brother. However, her husband expressed frustration and disappointment over not traveling to see his family, leading to a heated argument about priorities and expectations in their marriage. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ AITA for not waiting to visit my husband’s family for every holiday?’

I (25F) and my husband (25M) are currently fighting. We currently live 6 hours away from his family. It seems that for every holiday we have to drop everything and go visit them. This year, I had made it pretty clear that by going for Thanksgiving that I wanted to stay home for Christmas. My brother flew up to visit with us and is here until 02Jan. Suddenly he’s dropping hints about all of us going which I playfully brush off. Today it comes to a breaking point.

Apparently several members of his family called him to asked if he was coming for Christmas and why not. He asks to remind me why we are not going home for Christmas. Again I try to play him off with a, we went for Thanksgiving remember? Because I don’t want to drive for 6 hours silly? It’s our kittens first christmas! Can’t miss that! But it makes him angry. He says “I guess this will just be a miserable f*cking Christmas then.”

To be honest, I’m a bit stunned by this. Last Christmas he was in Mexico with family, we didn’t even spend it together. I try to offer that we could for New Years but no, now he doesn’t want to go at all. He tells me “This isn’t what I expected from marriage, you not wanting to go see my family or whatever this is”. I cry. We get home and put groceries away and I hide in our guest room. I send him a message with my thoughts since I can type better than talk.

I tell him that I’m jealous his family will always come first. That when his family makes plans, he will move mountains but if I want to do something, he’ll shoot me down. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 3. Am I asking too much to just want to spend a single holiday with my husband? AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Affectionate_Oven610 −  You have both grown up and have incompatible lifestyle values. Move on and find an adult that likes you and where you agree on this stuff. It isn’t all about love or a shared history – we should pick life partners who want to have a similar/compatible life.

Kids- stop marrying your high school sweethearts in your early twenties! There is never any harm in waiting a few more years to marry if you are meant for each other – a lot of relationships don’t survive the difference between who you are at 18 and 25.

KrofftSurvivor −  You’re 25. You’ve been together since you were 18.. You grew up, he didn’t.  Move on, he’s selfish & doesn’t understand marriage, compromise, or even the basic kindergarten idea of taking turns.

BeMandalorTomad −  NTA. It sounds like a combination of two things: by answering playfully and brushing it off, I think your husband has the impression that you decided on a whim that suddenly, you’re just not down to visit his family. He doesn’t take it seriously. I suggest an open conversation where you tell him exactly why you don’t want to go with a straight face, no playful tones or chuckles or making light of it. I also think he’s not making an effort to hear you, and he’s b**lying you into what he wants to do. This is wildly uncool, so bring that up as well.

MidCenturyMayhem −  NTA. Tell him he can go without you until he finally grows up enough to cut the apron strings. Seriously, many couples alternate holidays even with in-town relatives. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide where you go for every single holiday – especially with a six-hour drive. He’s selfish and immature.

Cangal39 −  NTA you were just there and your brother is visiting. If spending one holiday with his wife makes him so miserable then maybe he should go live with his mommy year-round..

Kinsleyturner −  NTA – regardless of if you want to see your family or just stay home, a 6+ hour drive each way for every family holiday is exhausting. Your hubby needs to recognize that it’s taxing and their needs to be some give and take. If/when kids come along, the expectation will only get worse unless boundaries are set now.

Unhappy-Prune-9914 −  NTA – But you need to have a direct conversation with him about how every holiday isn’t about seeing his family. Your family gets one holiday and his gets one holiday, they don’t get both. If he refuses, I think you have some decisions to make.

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA, but you’ve allowed this to become a habit for too many years. It will be tough to stop and you may need to push him into marriage counseling to get any change.. Meanwhile… He asks to remind me why we are not going home for Christmas. “Because you agreed to it. You agreed to have Thanksgiving there and Christmas here. Is your word worthless?”

Ok_Illustrator5694 −  This is a person who thinks it will be miserable to spend Christmas with you. That says a lot. Also how you describe “playing it off” rather than directly communicating with him. Why do you need to “play off” why you aren’t traveling for Christmas this year?

Just-Fix-2657 −  He won’t go to your family because there’s no one his age he can go drink with? Uhhh, too bad? They’re YOUR family. If he doesn’t make an effort for your family, why should you make an effort for his? He’s not being fair to you about any of this. And there’s always tons of compromise about holidays when you’re in a relationship, it’s part of the deal.