AITA for not using my in-laws Christmas money in the way they specified?

A woman (36F) and her husband (37M) have been using Christmas money sent by her in-laws to purchase gifts for their three young children, as the in-laws live far away and send a yearly check instead of physical gifts. While the money is intended for the whole family, the couple prioritizes the kids and doesn’t focus on getting gifts for themselves.

Last year, they improvised when asked about their own gifts, but this year, they’d like to spend the money on ski camps for the children instead. The woman wonders if she’s wrong for not strictly following her mother-in-law’s request that the money be used to buy gifts for all five of them. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not using my in-laws Christmas money in the way they specified?’

I (36f) have been married to my husband (37m) for almost 8 years and we have 3 kids under 7. My husband’s family lives a 4 hour flight from us and in a location that is very difficult to travel to at Christmas time so it’s long been established that we don’t travel to them at Christmas time, and there are no hard feelings about this at all.

My mother in law used to send us Christmas packages with gifts, but as we’ve had more kids, the last 4ish years she has just sent us a cheque and asked us to purchase gifts for our family on behalf of her and my FIL.

We always use this money for gifts for the kids, and we always tell the kids that those gifts are from their grandparents. Honestly because it’s a lump sum it has been really great to get a larger ticket gift for them to share (as an example, we used it one year to buy them a Nugget play couch – something we otherwise wouldn’t have given them as a gift).

A couple years ago my MIL clarified that the money is also intended to be enough for my husband and I to buy gifts for each other “from them”. This is honestly just lower priority for us, and we told her one year that we don’t need much for ourselves and had just used the money for the kids.

My MIL wasn’t thrilled about this, and then last year when we were on FaceTime on Christmas morning, she asked us directly what gifts we had gotten each other from them. We both improvised and showed gifts that we had just bought for each other and went through a bit of a show of thanking them for these gifts.

It felt a little silly. This year, the cheque has arrived and we really want to use it to get the kids in ski camps over the break, it’s the perfect amount for that. I would just like to be honest with my ILs that this is what we are doing with their gift money, instead of pretending that my husband and I are using it to get each other gifts too.

However, given that she’s specified that she wants all 5 of us to get a gift “from them”, AITA for not following what she’s asking? I will add that my MIL and I have a solid and friendly relationship, however we are not particularly close.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

heather_rodes −  Just pick a present each year that you gave each other and pretend it came ‘from them.’ It’s not even really false, if you think about it since money is fungible. i.e. you could just as easily say that you used the in-law’s money to cover most of the cost for the ski camp, and you pitched in the rest, and that they ‘bought’ you the other thing.

This is what my family does and it’s always been easy enough, and I think it makes them happy to think me and my partner are enjoying ourselves as well. Basically, it’s a minor ask to let them preserve the happy fiction, so I don’t really see the need to push them on it.

LawfullyNeurotic −  NTA You’re using the money exactly as it was intended. She would “like” you to include yourself and your husband in the gift giving but you simply don’t want or need it. You instead put the money to the same use for your kids **(which IMO is who matter the most during the holidays)

The gift that she got you is you have less stress in your lives. She gave you some extra money to help with gifts and now you two can better enjoy the holidays. She thinks gifts are “stuff” but the reality is she gifted you a state of mind.

This year, the cheque has arrived and we really want to use it to get the kids in ski camps over the break. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s a gift for your children and I bet they’d be absolutely thrilled with it. You’re not doing anything wrong. Some people are just weird about the holidays.

Not everyone needs to get a gift and the idea that you’d be “forced” to buy yourself and your husband a gift is just odd. It’s a waste of money and just puts unnecessary stress on you.

bamf1701 −  NAH. Technically, once a gift is given, it’s yours to do what you want with it. However, the spirit of what your MIL is doing is to prevent exactly what you are doing: not doing anything for yourselves and giving everything to the kids.

I think, at the least, the two of you could use some of the money to get a sitter and have a really nice date night (maybe New Years Eve) on her. Since you don’t need anything physical, give yourself an experience and some time to relax, and then you can tell her honestly that she did give you a gift.

Legitimate-Suit-4956 −  I would continue to say that certain items you’ve bought yourselves (or each other) are thanks to their gift money. And then make the big gift to your kids be from both you and them.

Your in laws want to gift the kids a certain amount and then gift you guys a certain amount, so you otherwise run the risk of them lowering their annual gift amount if they think you won’t be buying yourselves something. Ultimately, if you’re going to spend the money anyway, what’s the harm?

Put it towards date night, home upgrades, or whatever. My parents give me more money each holiday “for the dogs’ gifts” and I just pick something I bought them over Black Friday (eg a treat haul, new dog bed) and say that’s where their money went. 

dncrmom −  Think of it this way. Your kids get to go to ski camp & you & your husband get the gift of spending that time alone together.

WildPinata −  Gentle YTA. I get it, my mum always sends us money to “go for a nice meal”, but she has no idea of the cost of living where we are and it would barely cover drinks. So we take a nice meal/tickets to a show we’d do anyway and we say she bought them and thank you very much.

She’s happy she feels part of our life, we’re happy she’s happy. It’s not a hardship. She’s not trying to do anything untoward, she just wants to gift her kid something. Just say a gift is from her and let her be happy.

Little_Loki918 −  Soft YTA. Are you really complaining because you have to claim your presents are from them?! If this is your biggest problem, you are living a great life. In any event, why is this your problem. His parents, his conversation to have if he wants.

Electrical-Shine957 −  Honesty with in laws is overrated . Send the kids to camp and tell her there was enough left over for a romantic weekend getaway .

Travelchick8 −  YTA. She wants to do something for her son and his wife. Let her.

Individual_Ad_9213 −  NTA. This is a case where you should rob from Peter to pay Paul. You and your husband should take the portion of your XMas budget that is allocated for each other’s gifts, and add that to the budget for the kids’ XMas gift.

Then, you should take an equal amount from the MIL’s cheque, and allocate that to buy yourself the gifts you’d planned on buying. It’s a perfect zero-sum game.

Is the OP in the wrong for using her in-laws’ money on a shared family experience instead of physical gifts for everyone? Should she prioritize honesty or stick to tradition? Share your perspective below!