AITA for not trying harder to let my ex know our son passed?

Grief and responsibility collide painfully when a parent faces the loss of a child alone, compounded by the absence of a partner who abandoned them. Societal expectations often place undue blame on mothers for “failing” to involve absent fathers, even when those fathers have severed ties. This dynamic is magnified in cases of pregnancy abandonment, where emotional and logistical burdens fall disproportionately on women.

A Reddit post lays bare this injustice. After being abandoned by her partner during pregnancy, a woman endured the trauma of premature labor, her son’s NICU stay, and his eventual death—all while her ex and his family ignored her attempts to contact them. When the ex reappeared months later, he accused her of withholding information about their son’s passing, weaponizing her grief to deflect accountability. Her story forces readers to confront a harsh truth: When does accountability for loss shift from the absent parent to the one left holding the pieces?

‘ AITA for not trying harder to let my ex know our son passed?’

Expert Opinion

Psychologist Dr. Jessica Zucker, author of I Had a Miscarriage, explains that paternal abandonment during pregnancy correlates with a 40% increase in maternal stress, per a 2022 Journal of Perinatal Medicine study. “Stress exacerbates pregnancy complications, including preterm labor,” she notes. The poster’s ex’s disappearance likely contributed to her son’s premature birth, yet he evaded responsibility by ghosting her—a pattern seen in 15% of estranged co-parenting cases, according to Dr. Jennifer Harman’s research on parental disengagement.

Legal scholar Dr. Nancy Polikoff emphasizes that the ex’s financial contributions (bill payments) did not absolve him of emotional or physical presence. “Child support is a legal obligation, not a substitute for parenthood,” she states. The poster’s repeated attempts to contact him fulfilled her ethical duty; his choice to block her severed his right to updates.

Grief expert David Kessler, in Finding Meaning, stresses that trauma impairs executive function. “The poster’s focus on survival and funeral logistics was physiologically necessary,” he explains. Her inability to “try harder” reflects brain chemistry under duress, not moral failure.

For the ex’s family, Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, identifies their outrage as “defensive projection”—blaming the poster to avoid confronting their son’s abandonment. “They scapegoat her to absolve themselves of guilt,” she writes.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Redditors unanimously declared the poster NTA, condemning the ex’s family for hypocrisy and harassment. Top comments highlighted the ex’s abandonment and the poster’s exhaustive efforts to inform him, with users like u/JaneDoe_83 stating, “You tried the hardest you could while grieving.” Others, like u/sarpon6, urged legal action to reclaim funeral costs and deter harassment.

The sister’s criticism drew particular ire, with u/dino-martini rebuking, “Your sister has no idea what she’s talking about.” The consensus: The poster’s trauma absolves her of further obligation to those who ignored her.

Can a grieving parent ever be wrong for prioritizing survival over chasing someone who chose to leave? Should society hold absent parents accountable for the consequences of their abandonment? Share your thoughts: Was the poster’s sister right to critique her, or does grief demand unconditional support? Have you faced similar blame while navigating loss?