AITA for not trying harder to let my ex know our son passed?

A Redditor shared the emotional and heartbreaking story of losing their son prematurely. After their ex-partner disappeared during the pregnancy and remained unresponsive, the Redditor tried repeatedly to reach out to inform him of the loss.

Months later, the ex showed up demanding answers, and family members criticized the Redditor for not trying harder to notify him. Read the original story below to understand the full situation and the Redditor’s feelings.

‘ AITA for not trying harder to let my ex know our son passed?’

Both myself (F) and my partner (M) were 28 when I found out I was pregnant. Together 4 years. Personally I didn’t want the child, my work was offering potential advances within my position and I was excited for it. But after alot of talking, we decided to go forward with it. When I was around 20 weeks (just after finding out the gender) he disappeared.

I couldn’t contact him, he wouldn’t answer the phone or messages. I got worried and messaged his mother and found out he was living back with her and was o**rwhelmed with the situation. He kept paying his part of the bills over to my bank each month, but I received no contact. I even tried going over, nothing.

By about 27 weeks I gave up trying, gave up crying and just got on with what I thought was a future as a single mother. I brought everything needed over the next couple of weeks and set it all up. At 31 weeks I started having pains, but put it down to braxton hicks.

Just before 32 weeks my waters went and I went into labour, with the baby coming very quickly. He went straight to NICU. I messaged and rang my ex and his mother, no response. Less than a week later, my son passed due to complications of early birth. I again tried to contact my ex and his mother. Left voicemails and messages. Nothing

The next few weeks were a blur, but with the help of my mother and father his funeral was arranged. They tried to contact ex and his mother also, still nothing. I sent more messages, nothing. I’m assuming we were probably all blocked but honestly at that point I didn’t care. I was so broken.

His funeral came and went. It was beautiful and horrible. I stopped messaging and told my family not to bother after the funeral had passed. I couldn’t deal with it any more. About 5 months after his birth/death my ex turned up. Let himself in.

I wasn’t at home, but when I got back he was instantly hostile. The flat was clearly not set up for nor accommodating a small child. He demanded to see his son. I broke down and told him what happened. I have never seen him so sad and angry. He stormed out, slamming the door on his way out.

Within half an hour I got a n**ty call from his mother, followed by messages from siblings/other family. How dare I not let them know something so serious. How could I hide something like that out of petty spite.

I truly didn’t, I tried. But I couldn’t keep trying. It’s been nearly 3 weeks now of them being awful. I was speaking to my sister this weekend and she said “tbf, it was a bit of a d**k move to not keep trying. They deserved to know”. Was it? I tried so hard to let him know, but I was struggling so hard too. I lost my son too. AITA? should I have done more??

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

cryinoverwangxian −  Holy s**t NTA. He ABANDONED you while you were pregnant and he and his family ignored your messages and attempts to get in contact. You are the opposite of an AH. I am so sorry for your experience and I suggest changing the locks and cutting them off completely.

Vivid-Rent7730 −  Honestly f*ck him and his family. You tried contacting them before and after it happened and nothing. Then he just shows up like he didn’t abandon you at such a fragile time. Honestly if that was me & I tried contacting the dad/family & heard nothing I wouldn’t bother either because planning a babies funeral would be my top priority. Not chasing someone who left.. NTA.

Foxyfumbles −  Let me get this straight, you went through a Pregnancy, and a NICU baby death due to early birth (likely due to the stress those brats put you through and they have the AWDACITY to say you didnt try hard enough? Bite Me. That is how I would respond.

Op, I am so sorry you went through that and I want you to understand how strong you are for going through that alone. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you block that whole group and FORSHAME on your sister. forshame.. NTA 100000% NTA

sepher32 −  NTA. So they essentially went No Contact with you, and then blamed you for not contacting them? And are now harassing a grieving mother/young woman recovering from her first pregnancy.

They sound like f**king monsters if we’re going to shoot straight about it. I’m sorry for your loss and wish nothing but healing and happiness for your future, which hopefully does not include your ex, his mother or possibly your sister.

JaneDoe_83 −  NTA. Firstly, let me say, I am so very sorry for your loss. Those words are cliché and trite, but they are all I have. Secondly, the sperm donor dropped off the face of the earth because he “couldn’t deal”, and then he has the audacity to say *you* should’ve tried harder to reach him?? I’m sorry, but you tried, repeatedly.

Not just to contact him, but also his family. **They** didn’t answer. **They** weren’t there for you during any of this. That was **their** choice. **You** tried the hardest you could, whilst going into early labour, having a sick baby in NICU, and eventually his passing + the funeral.

You didn’t have the mental bandwidth to keep going. And to me, that’s totally acceptable. What’s unacceptable is **his** and his family’s decision to be unreachable (by blocking you or whatever). Thirdly, please change your locks so that he can’t just let himself in and come and go as he pleases.

You’re going through enough, without having to deal with coming home to him sitting on your couch out of the blue. Lastly, your sister needs to grow TF up. What an immature response. She must know you tried. And with all you were dealing with, I don’t think you could have tried any harder. She needs to learn some empathy. I wish you the best, moving forward.

Federal-Ferret-970 −  NTA. Change the f**king locks. He just barges in. Omg. Im not even gonna touch his behaviour as ill just get a ban. Condolences on your loss.

sarpon6 −  NTA. You owe them nothing. But there are two things you should do. Sue him. File lawsuit for your medical expenses, hospital expenses, the funeral expenses, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Enlist the angriest, thickest-skinned person you know to respond to any contact from him, his family, or his friends.

Instruct this person to respond with a description of how this sniveling c**ard ran home to his mommy without a word and actively refused to respond to you for seven months, hid from your family when they tried to contact him about the funeral,

and waltzed in three months after the due date to demand access to the child he had abandoned, then tell them the next time they contact you they will be slapped with a harassment charge.

HarveySnake −  Nta. You made every effort possible to contact these people and they blocked you. Their ignorance Is 100% their own fault
Get the locks changed on your place.

dino-martini −  NTA. As someone who was also abandoned during a pregnancy that ended without a living child your ex can stick his special bits in a meat grinder. ANYONE who accuses you of having done something wrong is an a**hole.

Especially if they are family! OP I am mad for you because it was 1,000,000% not your sister’s place to pass judgement as she clearly has no idea what she is talking about. It’s time to find your self worth and go nuclear.

*Do not* allow others to sit on their thrones of arrogance only to put you down. You survived through a horrendous experience and that alone probably makes you tougher than any of these assholes passing judgement. You are not soft and broken. You are resilient and powerful.

author124 −  NTA you tried pretty damn hard for someone who was in the midst of grieving an enormous loss and managing the cruel logistics associated with it. Your ex is an AH and I’m very glad for your sake that he’s your ex. I’m sorry for your loss. Edit to add: also if your sister has such strong feelings about it, she should have been the one to keep calling.

Do you think the Redditor should have made more of an effort to reach out to the ex, or was their decision to stop trying understandable given the circumstances? How would you handle a situation where someone you cared for disappeared during a difficult time? Share your thoughts below!