AITA For not thanking my BIL when he saved my daughter?

A Redditor shares a harrowing experience at a family birthday party when her four-year-old daughter, who cannot swim, nearly drowned at a lake. The girl’s uncle rescued her but reacted with harsh words that left the mother feeling conflicted about whether to thank him afterward. Read the original story below to see how this emotional situation unfolds.

‘ AITA For not thanking my BIL when he saved my daughter?’

Hi all. On Friday it was my cousins kids birthday and we had the party at a local lake. My daughter is four and can not swim. I also can’t swim and my husband (who can swim) was not present. I explained water safety to my kid, she had a life jacket on, all that jazz. I also have a toddler, however, and had to nurse him for a nap.

I left my cousin in charge of my daughter while I left to feed my son. My daughter hadn’t been into the water at all and I thought she was fine. She was not. I still don’t really know what happened – one second everything was fine, and the next everyone was screaming. I got down to the lakes edge just as my brother in law was pulling my daughter from the lake.

Her life jacket had been removed. She coughed up some water and he did some water vomit trick which led to her clearing out. After he was sure she was fine he walked her over to me and said, verbatim, “S**tty parents lead to dead kids. Get your head out of your ass and teach her how to swim.”

I didn’t really have much of a response, just packed up my kids and drove her to the ER. She’s completely fine, just a little shaken up, and very afraid of water. Anyway, my sister text me and told me I ought to thank him for saving her life. I didn’t respond initially because we were still in the ER, which led to her calling me an ungrateful b**ch.

Again, I ignored, because my daughter needed me, but last night everything came to a head. My BIL dmed me asking if I would have rather she drowned. Following that I have recieved message after message. I tried to explain that I’ve been busy but my sister said not to contact them unless its to thank him and apologise.

I will probably thank him just to keep the peace, but I think they’re out of line. There was no need for his comment & their following behaviour. My husband thinks I should go no contact but he’s never liked them so I’m hesitant to listen. My dad agrees with hub, however. So, AITA for not thanking him (yet)? ETA; I sent him a long message, detailing my apology and explanation, a few hours ago. I haven’t recieved a reply but it has been read.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Mulenkis −  Edit 2: Honestly the more I think about it, the more I feel like the brother in law – worried about the child, angry, reacting. But maybe neither of our outbursts are exactly warranted. I find OPs comments about whether BIL deserves a thank you to be distasteful and petty, and I suppose I was being a bit petty too.

I am put off by OP seeming to gloss over the safety issues, but I’m also pretty concerned by the broader family dynamic of apparent racism towards the father and b**lying which may impact how carefully the child was watched or looked after by the extended family. Mostly I’m thankful that everything turned out okay, and I hope everybody takes away the right lessons. ESH.

Quirky_Living8292 −  Wait a minute….your four year old daughter has a verbal delay and is selectively MUTE . So you leave her at the water where she can’t verbally call for help, wearing a bulky life jacket she probably didn’t like and removed herself, under the care of a cousin.

Did the cousin know she is unable to swim? How old is this cousin? Was the life jacket on correctly or could it just be lifted over the head? Then your BIL saves your child and you can’t say a simple thank you? Were you secretly hoping she would fall in and drown? You take her to the ER.

I’ve been an ER nurse much of my career. I KNOW you had downtime at some point where you could text a thank you. Not liking someone is no excuse for rudeness, especially when that person saves your child. Get your child swim lessons. Don’t have a child around a pool/lake/ocean unless you yourself are able to swim and assist them.

Get a life vest that fits and is unable to be easily removed. Most lake water is dark. There can be underwater currents and obstacles like rope or fishing lines. A child can fall in and simply vanish. S**tty parents definitely lead to dead kids. I can tell you numerous stories of dead kids in the ER with s**tty parents. You were almost one of them. YTA

2dogslife −  My older sister died in an accident very similar to what you describe. You and your husband should be on your freaking knees thanking your BIL to my thinking. Life after losing a child is horrific. You don’t want to be a member of that club. I cannot even wrap my head around why it’s even a question. And yes, your daughter should be signed up for swimming lessons ASAP. You, your husband, and your father are the AHs.

CrystalQueen3000 −  I can see why an immediate thank you wasn’t the first thing on your mind but he did save your kids life so I can’t see why you wouldn’t. Was his statement harsh? Yes. But it was also true and he was probably in just as much shock (if not more) than you were considering he was the one that found a child in the process of drowning.. YTA

[Reddit User] −  YTA. That was incredibly irresponsible parenting. You aren’t even focused on the fact your child almost died. You are worried that the person who is the reason your daughter is still alive uses harsh words with you. Honestly there are no words for how much YTA.

WaywardPrincess1025 −  Did you try to leave your 4 year in the charge of your cousin who was throwing a party for her child? YTA. Children in the water is so dangerous . Kids can drown in a bucket. YTA for leaving you child with someone watching a bunch of kids in the water. Leaving your child in the water when she can’t swim.. And not saying thank you.. Say thank you dammit.

Rohini_rambles −  This is so odd… Your child almost died. But you think it’s too late to say thank you now, because time has passed, and you think you won’t sound genuine? some people will be thanking that person until the child grows into adulthood!! You can’t say it? Fine. Write a letter. Do a dance. Bake a cake and decorate. Draw a mural. **It’s not hard to be genuine with the person who literally breathe life back into your drowning child.**

After_Kangaroo_ −  YTA. BIL just got traumatised, seeing your daughter drowned. Your BIL had to wonder if he was fast enough to save her. If he could save her. If he could get this little baby breathing again cos he just found them essentially dead and looked into their lifeless face. Your BIL now has a great trauma scar.

A nice imprint of your lifeless child in his subconscious, and you think he’s being an a**hole cos he wants to be thanked. He saved her life and he’s likely been having a rough few nights thinking about her being as she was, when he grabbed her. Your husband is the kind of a**hole there’s no measure for either. NC with the man who saved his child’s life when he himself couldn’t and you the wife/mother also couldn’t? You guys could be one less child if not for your BIL. Christ.

Samorjj −  You don’t leave your selectively mute, unable to swim daughter in the care of anyone else when you’re beside a body of water. YOUR. KID. ALMOST. DROWNED. You should have been screaming thank-you’s as he carried her up. It’s traumatic to find a kid drowning, rescue her and have her be to the point where he is trying to clear her lungs of water.

This guy should be first on your Christmas card list for life. If not for him, you could have been planning a funeral. For for the love of God, learn to swim yourself. You would have had no way to save her and are putting others at risk by forcing them to save her. YTA and your hubby is equally the AH for thinking the best course of action is to go NC with the man who saves his kids life.

[Reddit User] −  YTA for about 20 reasons. Let me list the first several. DO NOT go to a lake/pool/water/safety situation where one person (who cannot swim) is responsible for looking after 2 very young children (who can’t swim). A proper ratio is ONE ADULT PER CHILD, and the adult should be able to at least handle themselves in the water.

NEVER take your eyes off your children around water or any other dangerous area. DO NOT assume your 4 year old understands water safety. Their brains aren’t developed enough yet. DO NOT rely on flotation devices as childcare, because they can get removed, or fall off, or whatever, and then you have a dead kid. DO NOT attend events at places where neither you nor your children are able to participate.

LEARN TO SWIM. You and both of your children. You don’t have to be good at it, but you need to be able to navigate through water that’s deeper than you can stand in. #AND FFS STOP AVOIDING YOUR BIL; YOU DON’T WANT TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT YOUR NEGLIGENCE.