AITA for not telling someone I can read lips
A Reddit user, who has had hearing loss since childhood, shares a situation with a new co-worker who failed to believe the user’s hearing impairment. After the co-worker vented behind the user’s back, the Redditor revealed they could read lips and confronted the co-worker about her behavior. The confrontation escalated with the co-worker accusing the user of being rude for reading her lips. Read the full story below:
‘ AITA for not telling someone I can read lips’
This happened pre COVID btw. I’ve had hearing loss for most of my life , but it was diagnosed when I was about 7 years old. So I learned to read lips at the same time I was learning to speak. I’m very proficient in reading lips. Whenever I work with someone new, I make sure to let them know that I have hearing loss and to make sure that they are facing me and I’m aware they’re talkin to me.
I’ve never actually mentioned to any co-workers that I could read lips & but I’m pretty sure most of them at least suspect it strongly. A new co-worker started and I did my customary introduction and disclaimer about my hearing. I don’t think she believed me because she got very offended when I ignored her.
The problem being she was trying to get my attention from behind me and I genuinely did not hear her. Once someone got my attention I apologize to her and pointed out that I did have hearing loss and I wasn’t aware that she was talking to me. A few days later she was venting to a mutual coworker. The only problem was she was facing me and I could read her lips perfectly.
After a few minutes I approached her and let her know that if she was going to s*** talk someone she needed to make sure they couldn’t understand her and that I was reading her lips the entire time. I told her I was upset that she wouldn’t just come to me, and that I did tell her twice that I was partially deaf and couldn’t hear her. She freaked out because apparently I was being rude by reading her lips when she was facing me
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
abis7 − NTA. Sounds like you taught her a very important lesson and she was embarrassed. Glad you called her out and stuck up for yourself.
AuntiKrist − I have a severe progressive hearing loss and read lips. I can’t turn it off, did you know puppets say “blah, blah, blah”? NTA
sassyappalachian − NTA- also suffer from partial hearing loss and read lips. I tell coworkers I am hearing impaired for the same reason, and some people did think I was purposely ignoring them before I started.
I feel like everyone already knows I read lips because I work behind a loud bar and will look at peoples lips while they speak. But it’s not some super power lol and it’s not rude to do. Don’t talk s**t if you don’t want them to find out 🤷🏼♀️
Think_Network_3390 − NTA. People who are Deaf or HoH are never the a**hole for not saying they can read lips. That’s a personal choice and truly no one else’s business. And you did tell her.
cigsafter − NTA. If she called you an a**hole for reading her lips, she basically took advantage of your hearing loss by talking s**t about you in front of you. Why would you talk s**t about someone in the same room as them and be surprised when they confront you about it?
ccaass789 − Nta but you should let HR know she isn’t respecting you at work and talking s**t
Anonynewt − Hi! I’m just like you except I can’t sign. I’m sorry this is long. People don’t always fully grasp the impact of our disability when we let them know. It doesn’t matter if you say hard of hearing, hearing impaired, deaf, partially deaf, whatever. I don’t have to tell you how often people reply “Oh me too, haha” when they are clearly not at a point where they require aides and visual cues to get through a conversation.
Most people can read a few things like “f**k you” or “wow” other common phrases. I think when we tell people to look at us so we can read their lips, they associate lipreading with how *they* lipread, and assume we must catch a few extra words.
Everyone has experienced struggling to hear at some point. So I think when people find out about someone’s hearing loss, they think “Oh it’s like when I can’t hear but a little quieter.” They don’t understand how simply not seeing the person speaking can be crippling or just completely impossible to hear. That’s not how it is for them.
I don’t know how old you are now, but part of the struggle is deafness being associated with old age unless the person was born profoundly deaf. I don’t know why it’s one or the other for people but it seems that way to me. The fact that you are speaking in a vocal conversation also makes it very easy for people to forget, or choose to forget, that you have a disability and are putting more effort into communicating than they are.
This is what I have learned from navigating the corporate world: **Let them see the f**k out of your deafness.** Don’t compromise on being included or change your behaviors to protect your peers from embarrassment. You don’t have to constantly confront and remind people, just let your tools and cues be noticeable.
* Jump when someone comes up behind you. * Lean wayyyy the hell in when someone isn’t projecting. Cup your ear with your hand and strain your face. * Don’t give up on someone who’s repeating badly. Say “I’m sorry, what?” over and over, and react to it like it’s the first time you heard it when you finally get it.
* Laugh loud at a joke, even if it’s when your brain just takes a little longer to put the context clues together. * Don’t back down when someone seems a little uneasy about you staring at their mouth. * Always pay attention — by this I mean don’t find yourself saying “sorry, I wasn’t listening.” Never ignore anyone. Feel free to TELL people that you never ignore anyone because your brain is wired to always listen when you can.
* Train the people you work with — you probably already do this. “15? Did you say ONE FIVE or ONE SIX?” “T as in TOM? (while gesturing a T)” “You said we were meeting SomeOne at the SomeThing at 3:30?” * If everyone is sitting on one side of the meeting table, sit on the opposite side so you can see everyone. You can even ask people to move.
* My favorite is to remind people that when they interrupt each other, I lose them. People love this because they hate being interrupted in the first place.
Just be your happy self. People will get used to it, and eventually, they will support and protect you just out of habit. The ones who don’t will be shamed by those who have gotten to know you.
You have a disability, and your workplace HAS TO accommodate you by law. If your ignorant coworker continues, you can tell HR that you are concerned that a coworker is not accomodating you by waiting to catch your eye before speaking. They won’t want to deal with that situation escalating to a legal issue.. **TL;DR: I’m deaf too and I got a little passionate. You have every right to use your tools.**. . Oh and NTA 🙂
GreatOnPaper − NTA – Just like I can’t help what my hears hear, you can’t help what your eyes see. These corona masks must be a real kick in the teeth for you, do you also sign?
telusey − NTA. You aren’t obligated to tell anyone you can read lips, and she was being incredibly rude for taking advantage of your lack of hearing and talking in front of you thinking you wouldn’t notice.
SelfprofessedAsshole − NTA. Sounds like you should go to HR, and point out that a new hire is actively badmouthing you to co-workers for having a protected medical disability – it would be funny to see how quickly the HR representative dives for the phone to tell their boss that the new-hire needs to be fired before they have a discrimination lawsuit and payout on the books.
Is it fair for the Redditor to read lips in this situation, or did they overstep by confronting their co-worker in such a way? How would you have handled the same situation? Let us know your thoughts!